THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LV, Issue 7009, 19 November 1932, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Murdered.-— Chairman of concert: What do you want? Village constable: Somebody ..telephoned the station to say a man named Schubert was bein’ murdered in here. vf Misguided Talent. —Dr Swagger and Miss Simple were at dinner. “So you write poems, doctor?” she said. “A little, just to kill time,” was the reply. "Why,” asked the lady, “have you no patients?” Vr Call of the Wild.—-Valvefour: Come in and tell me what you think of my loud-speaker. Brown: I should love to, old man, but I promised faithfully to meet mine at 7 sharp. VT ■Jf Tf Easy.— “ There is a man at the circus who jumps on a horse’s back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail, and finishes up on the horse’s neck.” "That’s easy, I did all that the first time I ever rode a horse.” -* ■ * * Inside Information. —A pigeon-fan-cier who lost many birds suspected that a neighbour benefited by . his loss. He bribed the neighbour's little boy with a sixpence, and asked, "Did your daddy find a bird yesterday?” Willie nodded. "Was it blue with some white feathers in it?” “Dunno,” said Willie, pocketing the coin. "You can’t tell their colour when they're in a pie.”

More Lucrative. —An Aberdonian pulled a brother Scot from the water just before he went down for the third time. “I’ll remember ye in ma wull for this,” exclaimed the rescued one. “But, mon,” said the other, “would ye no prefer to cut me off wi’ a shillin’ noo?” Poor Fish?—“l think l will have some salad,” he told the waiter. “What kind—shrimp?” asked the waiter, haughtily. “Look here, my man,” snapped the diner; “I didn’t come in here to be insulted.” Expecting the Worst. —Office Boy: Your wife has been on the ’phone, sir, to say she wants to see you about Boss (irritably): About what? “About 5, sir.” “H’m—o’clock or. pounds?” vr **•' . Petticoat Government. —The mistress was interviewing a prospective applicant for the position of cook, and concluded as follows: “Well, Jane, yog seem quite suitable in every respect, and I have decided to engage you. The work will be light and easy, and you will find that the master is very easily pleased.” “Yes, mum,” replied Jane, “I thought the same the moment I saw you!” Essential.— Park Orator: My friends, if we were to turn and look ourselves squarely in the face, what should we find we needed most?” Voice from the Crowd: A rubber neck!

Dispel Suspicions. —“ Waiter,” asked the patron in a city restaurant, “is it necessary to have that wretched cat prowling about here among the tables?” “Well, jt’s like this ’ere, sir,” replied the waiter; “when there’s rabbit stew on the menu the gov’nor thinks it adds to the enjoyment of the meal if our cat is well in evidence, so to speak, sir.”. * * * Only a Beautiful Picture. —A social climber, very pretty, but decidedly low-brow, found herself at a select house party. A dance was in progress, and the girl, lonely and uncomfortable, and looking like a fish out of water, was leaning against the wall, framed against the dark panelling. Presently the hostess, who had seen her plight, took pity on her. “My dear,” she said, kindly enough, "you look just like an old Rembrandt.” The girl blushed, but quickly retorted. “Well,” she said sharply, "you don’t look too darn snappy yourself.” Only Too Willing.— The teacher had had her eye on one of the boys in the class for some time, and at last she said: “Jimmy Smith, come out here and give me what you have got in your mouth. The boy replied: I wish I could—it’s toothache!

Restful.— Conceited young man: I wonder why that girl over there looks at me so much? Sarcastic young lady: She has weak eyes and the doctor told her to relieve them by looking at something green! Breaking ft Gently.— Miss Elderly: The insulting wretch! He asked me if I remembered the dreadfully cold winter of 18S3 —think of it! Miss Keen: Oh, I’m sure he didn’t mean to offend you, dear. He probably didn*t know what a bad memory you have got. * -x- * A Long Want Satisfied.—The spendthrift was ill with scarlet fever. “Send for my creditors,” he whispered. “Thank heaven, I can give them something at last!” Both Difficult.— Minister (to policeman) : What a number of burglars there are about. Why can’t you constables arrest them? Policeman: Well, there are thousands of people going to the devil every day. Why don’t you parsons stop them? * * •* A Drawback.— Schoolmaster (to small boy in class): Now, Tommy, what would you like to be when you grow up? Tommy: P-p-p-please, sir, a j-j-j-jockey! Voice from the back of the class: Garn! The race would be over before you started to say “gee-up” to your horse. /

“It’s all right, grandpa. Don’t be alarmed. I can pull up in a yard.” “Yes, in a graveyard.” •* * On the Beau. —“He is such a dear, said the pretty girl, praising a young man of her acquaintance; “he takes mother and me out to dinner twice a week. We dote on him. In fact,” she added with a smile, “we table d’hote on him.” * * * Honours to Cuthbert. —The two damsels were talking over their love affairs “I think Cuthbert is the meanest man I ever met,” said Betty. “Oh, and why do you say that?” asked Bessie. Betty stuck out her prim little chin aggressively. “Well, I’ve made up my mind to refuse' him, and I simply can’t get the brute to propose,” she replied. * *- * Hanging On.— The lights in a crowded bus had failed. “Can I find you a strap?” inquired a tall strap-lianger of a young lady who had boarded the bus at the last stop. “Thank you,” she replied, “but I have one already.” “Then would you mind letting go of my tie?” he said shyly. Made Up "His Mind.—Percy fbeaming): Oh, I have the most glorious new r s! Esther (his cousin): What is it? Percy: Peggy has promised to be mv wife! Esther: So that’s what you call news! A month ago she asked me to be her bridesmaid.

Cutting it Short.— lt was a long and tedious sermon, and little Joan could stand it no longer. “If we give him the money now, mother,” she said in a loud whisper, “won’t he let us go out ?”

The Rustic Again. —“ls this water deep?” asked the motorist when he stopped at the edge of a flooded section of road. “Can I drive through? “Easily.” replied the rustic. “It’s not deep.” Before the motorist had driven many feet the water was up to his wings, and his engine had been flooded. “I thought you said it wasn t deep!” he shouted with anger at the rustic. “Well ” replied the straw-cliewer, “it only came half-way up farmers ducks when they went across this morning.”

In Bad Odour.— At a parish council meeting a discussion took place on the question of public economy.* Having exhausted their arguments the members present, except the chairman. voted on the matter, and the result was a level number of voices for and agaiust. Tlio members appealed to the chairman. “No, gentlemen, I ain’t goin’ to vote either way,” replied that worthy. “I’m goin' to remain absolutely putrid.”