THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LV, Issue 6788, 20 February 1932, Page 9

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Misunderstood.—Robins and his better half had not been on friendly terms for some days, and one evening determined to put an end to such an unsatisfactory state of affairs he said, sentimentally: “Well, dear, I’m sorry —I apologise. Come—let us hang the cloak of Christian charity over the past, eh?” “Very well, Herbert,” she agreed. “Did you say a cloak? How much may I spend on it?” * * # As A Rule.—When a young man says, “I’ll take that matter up with the directors,” he may have been with his firm as long as a week. When he says, “Now, my experience in cases of this kind has been . . . .” he has been there longer—maybe six months. But when he says, “I dunno, but I’ll ask the chief,” he is probably an oldtimer there, and the boss thinks the world of him. A Light Matter. —Mrs Cohen: I am sorry to trouble you, Mrs Levy, but could you lend me a box of matches? Mrs Levy: I could, but I will not. I lent you a box last week and you never returned them. I don’t like people who make light of their obliga : tions.

Barred.—She was the sort of woman who always tells everybody her business. With a cheery smile, she settled herself at the counter of the hosier’s shop and began:— “My husband has been very ill — very ill indeed. So I have to do his shopping; and I want a shirt.” “Certainly, madam,” said the assistant. “Stiff front and cuffs?” "Oh, no,” she exclaimed. “The doctor says he must avoid anything starchy.” # * ■» The Impossible.—The visitor was being shown round the famous old castle. • “Yes, sir,” said the guide, with an air of mystery, “I could tell you stories about these old caves that would raise the very hair on your head.” The visitor laughed. “I don’t believe it,” he said. The guide looked a trifle crestfallen. “Then perhaps you are very brave?” he suggested. “No,” replied the visitor, “but I’m very bald.” V •ft 4£ -Sf Well Known. —An Irishman entered the crowded inn of a market tpwn, walked up to the bar, elbowed several Customers aside, took a match from the match-stand on the counter, and then walked out without saying a word. The astonished barman gazed after him and wondered who he was. The next morning, the Irishman walked into the same place, lit his pipe, and then made his way out again. As he reached the door, the barman called after him: I say, who are you? The Irishman turned and said, “Oh, you know me,” and then went out. Next day at the same time he came again, and helped himself to a match as usual. He was just walking off when the barman caught him. “Who are you?” asked the barman “Oh, you know me.” “No, I don’t. Who are you?” “Why,” was the cool reply, “I'm the man who comes in here every morning to light his pipe.”

Rashness. —“Is it true that the bookseller Smith has been badly wounded ?” “Yes, he tried to sell the book 'Ask Me a Question’ to the father of fivd children.” * -K- * Food For Thought. —The professor was lecturing on natural history. “Yes,” he said, “when I get 1 close to Nature it makes me feel like a little grub.” Smart Aleck shook his head. , "What, only a little, sir?” he spoke up. “It makes me feel like a lot. Anyway, when I’m in the country I eat like a horse.” VT * * Still Hope.—A young scratch golfer was practising mashie shots one day when an elderly lady, making use of a nearby right-of-Avay, stopped to watch him.Playing a dozen balls, the youngster put each one, within holing distance, although he did not actually “sink” one. As he went forward to collect his balls the old lady leaned over the fence and said encouragingly:— “Don’t be downcast, young man. Remember that Bunyan was a failure at first.”

Risking it. —An American staying at a south coast resort had an engagement to play golf with a friend who did not put in a punctual appearance. The American, who was waiting on the first tee, decided to go to the club house and telephone to his partner, and, not wishing to take his heavy kit with him, he said to a bystander, “Excuse me, but would you look after these clubs till I come back?” “Sir,” rejoined the bystander with ruffled dignity. “I’d have you know I’m the mayor of this town.” “Never mind: I’ll take the risk.” * * •35Temporary Bliss.—She had just accepted him. “And will you always be true to me, beloved?” he urged. “Darling, why do you doubt me?” she murmured. “Oh, precious, because you’re too good to be true,” he cried. « * «■ Nasty For Dad. —Husband (reading): This paper says that the greatness of a father often proves a stumbling block to the advancement of his children. Wife: Well, thank fortune our children will never be handicapped in that way.

Grammatical Grub. —Little GeraM was making his first acquaintance with stewed figs. “Eat up your figs like a good boy,” said his mother. “I don’t like them,” he replied;, “they’re just skins filled with full stops.” «• * * Away Dull Care—A city man was complaining of the hard life he led. “Why, after a long day at the office,” he said, “I find 30 or 40 letters at home awaiting an immediate answer. So I take a glass or two of champagne and ” “Answer ’em all before going to bed!” brightly observed the sympathetic lady. “After the second or third glass.” said the man of affairs, “I don’t care a button if they are never answered.” 4s’ 44 4r Diplomacy.—Mr Greene arrived home from business and was met by a worried-looking wife. “I think little Johnny’s drum annoys the man in flat above,” she told him. “Oh, what makes you think that?” asked Greene testily. His wife lowered her voice somewhat. “Well, he gave the dear little boy a knife this morning, and asked him if he knew what was inside hit drum.” * * * Variety.—Have you ever noticed how a lamb, the most timorous of animals, will become suddenly brave w r hen badly frightened? Well, that is what young Bingle is like. Bingle is so nervous that it almost amounts to a disease. He was at a party the other night, and sat against a wall between two charming girls, twiddling his thumbs round each other in a fever of fright. But it was very annoying. “Do you always do that at a dance?” asked one of the girls, unable to stand it any longer. “Er —no,” stuttered Bingle. "Sometimes”—twiddling his thumbs in the reverse direction —“I do it this way!”

Not So Easy.—She: No, I can never be yours. Please go away and for* get me. He: Alas, I can’t. You see, I’m a memory expert. * * * An Escape.—lt was the firm’s annual dance. The young bookkeeper had chosen a very attractive lady partner. “By the way,” he volunteered as they danced, “do you know that dolt, the manager?” His partner made no reply. “He’s about the dumbest half-witted egg I’ve ev@r seen,” the youth continued. She stopped dancing and stared hard at her partnei - . “Young man,” she snapped angrily, “do you know who I am?” “Not the faintest idea,” he said, lightly enough. “Well, I’m the manager’s wife,” she informed him. He paled. “Gee whiz!” he exclaimed. “Er—do you know who I am?” “No,” said his partner. He backed hurriedly away. “Then thank goodness for that!” he replied.