THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LV, Issue 6764, 23 January 1932, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

“Floored.” Enthusiastic House Agent: This is a house without a flaw. Customer: By gosh! What do you walk on? * * * Home Comforts.— Husband: After all, there is no place so comfortable as one’s own home. Wife: So you have quarrelled with someone at the club? •X* # Extra Charge.— Client: You have charged me for three consultations, but I have only had two. Lawyer: Remember, madam, the third was when you came back to know if you had left’anything behind. * * tr Trouble Ahead.— Employer: Do you mind if I ’phone your last employerand verify the references he gave you? Applicant for Position of Typist: No, I don’t care what you do so long as you don’t ask his wife. -X- * The Appeal. —This week’s unlikely story. Said one actor to another: “Can I borrow a quid from you for a week, old man?” “Well,” replied the other, “I like the novel touch of pathos, but I want to see the weak old man first.” * * Undeceived. —Prison Visitor (sympathetically): Now, my good man, what brought you here? Convict: Mistaken confidence. Prison Visitor: Really? In whom were you deceived. Convict: Myself. I thought I could run faster. ■* # * Doing It Properly. —First Shipwrecked Sailor: What are you going to do, Pat? Second Sailor: Sure, I’m going to swim ashore to save meself first, and then I’ll come back and save you, Denis. * * ■* No Joke.— lt was dinner time at the barracks. “Any complaints?” asked the orderly officer. Private Timldns jumped to. his feet. “Yessir, I’ve got one,” he said. “This Irish stew’s funny.” 1 The officer stared hard at the man. “Funny,” he echoed. “Then why aren’t you laughing!”

A Sartorial Problem. —Bore (relating experiences in Turkish prison): I'or three years I hadn’t a shirt on my back. The Other: Dear, dear! How did you manage about a hole for your collar stud? * # * Deceived. —Artist’s friend (patronisingly): I think those thistles in your foreground are superbly realistic, old chap. ’Pon my word, they seem to be nodding in the breeze, don't you know. Exasperated Artist: Yes; I’ve had one or two people tell me they would deceive an ass. * * * Needless Extravagance.—“lt’s no use talking,” said McDooey, dejectedly. “It’s impossible to 'make . a woman understand even the first principles of finance.” "What’s the matter now?” inquired his friend. “Matter! Why, when I was away yesterday the baby swallowed a penny. And what does my wife do but call in a doctor and pay him 10/6 for getting the penny back!” * * # Saving Time.—A Scottish business man in London was entertaining a friend to lunch. The friend observed: “I haven’t seen you for some months, but it strikes me you are talking a good deal faster than you used to.” The Scot laughed. “I believe you re right,” he said. “You see, I have to telephone to New York once a week nowadays.” # * * The Wrong Word.—The other day an old gentleman rushed into a railway station, and said to the first porter he saw: “Is this my train?” "No,” replied the porter, “it belongs to the railway company.” “You blockhead!” cried the old gentleman, losing his temper. “I mean do I take this train?” “You’d better not,” said the porter. “There have been tw r o or three trains missing lately. I’d advise you to be very cautions, my good sir." 45* * Conditional.—Two cowboys agreed to settle their differences with revolvers. Both were dreading the ordeal. The knees of one, in fact, knocked together to such an extent that they affected his aim. “Look here!” he said to his opponent. “Will you, as a favour, allow me to rest my leg against this milestone to steady myself?” “Yes,” agreed the other man, trying hard to control his fears, “if you’ll allow me t.o rest my leg against the next!” ■Jr -Jr * Shunting Him On —The old lady entered the bookshop and approached the nearest assistant. “I want a book for my nephew,” she said. “Certainly, ma’am,” was the reply. “Any special subject?” “Well,” said the woman, “you see, he’s jus’t started work as a railway porter, and I want to help him on. I think I will send him that, book entitled ‘Hints on Successful Platform Speaking.’ ”

Inexhaustible. —Club Member: This is the third time this week 1 liavd found one of your cook’s red hairs In my soup. This must he the last Waiter: Not at all, sir. She has a lovely head of hair." -* * * Wasted Energy.—Teacher: Can you give me an example of wasted energy, Donald? Donald: Yes. Telling a hair-rais-ing story to a bald-headed man. -k- -:f- * Just Like Clockwork. —“Why is it Mr Smith never plays golf now?” “Can’t afford it.” “But he told me the other day his business was going like clockwork.” "Exactly—it’s just been wound up.” Not in his Line—Bluff Doctor: Well, my good lady, where is the trouble? Patient: Sir, I am the wife Qf Briga-dier-General Vere de Vere. Doctor: Sorry. I know of noff emedy for that. It’s a solicitor you *&unt. # -x- * A Faux Pas. —Lady: Will you send this rug up on approval? Salesman: Certainly, madam. Little Girl: Hadn’t you better tell him to be sure to get it there in time, mamma? You know the party is tomorrow night. 'A -X- -MRustic Reasoning. —City Man (oij holiday): How many apples do you get from this tree every year. Rustic: Not one. City Man: How funny. Why that, I wonder? , Rustic: Because it’s a plum tree. * # * Anticipated.—A dramatist was talking to a critic .about himself and hig work and his aims and all the rest o| it. “I have had,” he said, "a whoM crowd of imtators.” ' “Yes,” said. the. critic, “especially forehand.” f * * * Disappointed.—Friend (sympathetSi eally): Never mind, don’t worry. You’H have your husband with you again tet a month. Wife (sobbing): Yes, I know—and | thought he would get at least she months! si

Horses First—Farmer’s Wife (t« chemist): “Now be sure and writs plain on them bottles which is for the horse and whicli is for my husbandI don’t want anything to happen t<| that horse before the ploughing. What She Found.—“ Did you find,an?; dust in that bag of coal I sent you* madam?” inquired the affable mery chant of the housewife. “I found some coal in that bag oS dust,” was the cutting rejoinder. vr W Up the Social Scale.—" How dars you throw me out!” said the when he was put out of a side dooila “I represent a. wholesale firm.” “I beg your pardon,” replied ib€ doorkeeper. “Come in and I’ll you out of the main entrance.” vf* * A Longer Stretch.—“ All, my friend,"* said a clergyman to a prisoner under* going a term of imprisonment for bur* glary, “we must not lose sight of Lb4' fact that we are here to-day and gonri to-morrow!” “You may be. sir,” replied ihe WU5* glar, "but 1 ain’t.” *■•*{•■* Ready to Instruct. —The policeman on traffic control leaped out of th« way just in time as a car swung round! him at an excessive speed. He stop* pod the car and addressed the driver. . , . “Do you know anything about trat* fie rules?” he demanded. “Yes, rather,” replied the fair motor* ist. “What is it you would like td know?” •x- «- * Don’t Quit. When things go wrong, as they times will, When the road you’re trudging seemg all uphill, When the funds are low and the deb(4 are high, When you want to smile hut have to sigh, ... When care is pressing you down a bit. Rest if you must, but don’t you quit. Nothing Doing.—Sandy arrived at the hoarding-house, and was shown to his room. “There you are, sir,” said (.lie landlady, “that’s your room.” “Looks comfortable,” said Sandy. “Yes, sir,” went on the woman, "people usually admit I’ve made them comfortable here. I’ve always had a gift for doing that.” “is that a fact,” said Sandy. “Wcel, you needna’ expect, one from uie. The Same*Thing.— A country doctor, on being called hurriedly to a, patients house, found the man in an unconscious condition, evidently from the effects of some powerful drug. “How did this happen?” he demanded, after working hard for an hour or more at restorative measures. “Did you him a dose of the powder I left?” “Yes, sir,” responded the tearful wife. “As much as would go on a six> pence and no more?” “Well, sir.” replied the woman, “wd couldn’t find sixpence, so I used six pennies."