THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LIV, Issue 6628, 15 August 1931, Page 9

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Had Her Turn. —Vera: Do you know, Eric proposed to me last night. Mina (the cat): Yes? Doesn’t he do it beautifully?

An Irish Court. —At an Irish Police Court the habitual drunkard was summoned for the usual cause.

“Ten shillings or a fortnight,” remarked the magistrate.

“But, sir, Oi’ve only two shillings in the world,” replied the prisoner. “Well, you must go to gaol, then. If you hadn’t spent the money getting drunk you would have been able to pay the fine.”

Not Too Reliable.—A young man bought a very old car. Informing his father of the fact, he said: “I say, dad, be a sport. I need one .pr two accessories to complete the car. Will you give me one?” “Very good,” said his father, indulgently, “I’ll give you a pedometer.” ■ The son laughed. "Why,” he scoffed, "you’ve made a mistake. You mean a speedometer. A pedometer measures the miles you walk.” “Yes,” said the father, grimly. “I know that.”

A Wash-out. —Five-years-old Willy screamed so loud in bed that the nursery maid was sent up to see what was the matter.

Soon after he began to scream worse than ever, and his father went up to the nursery himself. “Whatever is tile matter now?” he said.

“Mary told me, if I wasn’t, quiet, that a big red mouse with green eyes would come and sit on my bed —and I’ve screamed eight times now, and he isn’t here yet!”

Then He Knew. —A man who found early rising difficult bought an alarm clock. At G the next morning he was roused by a terrific knocking at his front door.

When he opened it he was confronted by a policeman, 1 who exclaimed, sternly: “This won’t do; you must not annoy the neighbourhood. Take it inside.” And he handed the new alarm clock to its owner, “Ah," said the crestfallen householder. “I wondered how the milkcan came to be at the bedside.”

Misunderstood. —Counsel: "Are you married or single?’’ Witness: Married. "And where were you married?’’ “Heaven alone knows.” “But, surely, sir, you must know where you were married.” . “Where? Oh, I beg your pardon. I thought you said why.”

Thrift. —The well-meaning village worker was giving the old farm labourer some advice. “No manSshould ever spend more than two-thirds of his income,” he said. “To tell ’ee the truth, zir,” answered the staunch old veteran, “I ain’t much good at figures.” “Well, perhaps I can help you. Say you earn £1 a week —”

“But I doan’t. I earns 30/-.” “Then that makes it simple. Twothirds'of 30/- is just £l. You should never spend more than that.” The old boy beamed. “And no more I does!” he said. “Just £l, and not a penny over, have I spent these last 10 years.” “Excellent. Very sound sense. And how do you bank the balance?” “Bank it? I don’t bank it. I gives it the old ’ooman to keep house on.”

The Tip. —A newspaper reporter was invited to take his first airplane trip with a stunt flyer for the films. He was filled with dismal foreboding, which increased when a parachute was strapped on to him and lie was given careful instructions regarding its use. The stunt man also wore a parachute, but when he put a heavy leather coat on over it the reporter asked nervously: “How can you use the parachute with that coat on?” “Oh,” replied the pilot nonchalantly, “I’d have plenty of time to take the coat off when we fall.”

They went up and flew for several minutes, until, feeling warm, the stunt man began to take off his coat.

“Hot, isn’t it?” he said genjally, but there was no reply. The passenger had jumped overboard.

Just You Watch!—Mrs Jones: Mrs Brown is thirty-three, but you couldn’t tell it. Mrs Smith: Can’t I just. You see. * * * Tanked. —Bar Habitue (producing pedometer from pocket): Useful little gadget. I find I’m doing about four miles to the gallon. * * w Once Bitten. —“l saw the doctor you told me to see.” “Did you tell him I sent you?” “Yes, I did.” “What did he say?” “He asked me to pay in advance.” # * # Once Upon a Time. —A detachment of soldiers was in camp for the hoii days. After breakfast one day one of the men complained to the orderly officer about the bread issue. “What’s the matter with the bread?” asked the officer. “Too hard,” replied the man. “But, my man,” said the officer sternly, “if Napoleon had had that bread when crossing the Alps he'd have eaten it with delight.”

“No doubt, sir,” said the soldier. “It was fresh then.”

The Perfect Mate. —The two young lovers were alone in the drawing* room. “You haven’t said a word tor over 15 minutes,” he ventured. “I know,” she smiled back, “1 haven’t anything to say.” He looked mildly surprised. “Don’t you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?” he asked. “No,” she replied, and smiled again. The young man sighed and gazed longingly into her eyes. “Darling,” ho said, “I know this is awfully sudden, but will you be my wife?”

Ma-a-a. —The new vicar had preached his first sermon, and a ci itical member of the church, an exceedingly fat man, waylaid the pursom after service.

“Not a bad beginning, sir.” he said, patronisingly; “a bit too seientilic ami modern, perhaps, but quite fair. lie* member, parson, you must feed the sheep, feed the sheep.” The vicar surveyed his bulky critic and replied: “My dear man, it’s exercise you need, not food.”

Nothing to Boast About. —The two suburbanites were having a heated argument on the relative merits of their respective cars. “I’ve been ten thousand miles with mine and not one single thing has gone wrong with the engine,” said Freeman proudly. “Well, I think I can beat that,” put in his friend confidently. “Not ona shilling for repairs have I paid on my car for the whole two years that I’ve had it.”

"So the man who does your repairs tells me,” returned Freeman.

His Just Desserts. —The scene was a revival meeting, and during the course of the evening a masculine woman rose and spoke on the value of kindness. “Look at my husband,” she said. “He’s alius been a terrible trial; but how does I treat him? When ha comes home from the Pig and Whistle the wmss for drink, what does I do? Do I hit him? No. Do I swear at him? No. I just puts my arms around his neck and kisses him.” A voice from the back of the hall called out: “Serve ’im jolly well right.”

Absorbed. —“This theory of gov n ing children by appealing to their reason isn’t as it’s made out to be,” said a worried school teacher. “A youngster needs a good spanking once ir. a while.

“One of my boys had skipped his classes, deceived his mother, been found out., and caused much unhappiness all round. I took him aside, and we had a heart-to-heart talk. Johnny sat still, looking- at me intently. “I thought I was making great headway. I never saw a child w'ho seemed so absorbed, even fascinated by my line of argument. But you never can tell. Just as I had reached the climax in my appeal to his better self, a Jteht of discovery broke over Johnny’s face.

“ ‘Please, teacher,’ he said eagerly, ‘it’s your lower jaw that moves, isn't it?’”