THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LIV, Issue 6918, 25 May 1929, Page 1 (Supplement)

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Division of Labour. —Daughter’s idea of being helpful around the house is to run the radio while mother is running the vacuum cleaner.

Playing the Game. —Friend: “What did you do when you found out your husband was leading a double life?” Wife: "Oh. 1 redoubled.”

The “Hold-up” Business.—" Where did Brown get all his money?” "In the hold-up business.” “Never.” “Yes. He manufactured garters.”

Qualifications. —Business Man (en-' gaging typist): “And what are your qualifications?” She: “Well, I can type a bit, and do a little shorthand, and I'm—cr—er—a perfectly splendid dancer.”

Matrimonial Discount.—Miss Snips: “I wonder why Maud gave her age as 25 when she married that rich old man?”

Miss Snaps: “Oh. I suppose she made a discount for cash!”

Both Broken.—" Talk about a woman’s sympathy. I told my best girl the other night that I was broke.”

“What did she soy?” "She said so was our engagement.”

The Need of Rest. —Doctor: “There is nothing the matter with you but tiredness —you just need rest, plenty of rest.”

Patient (lady): “But, doctor, my tongue—” Doctor: "Yes, madam, just rest—”

Try Winking at Him.—»A father took his little boy, Billy, to the park, and there the youngster saw a stork among other interesting exhibits. The boy scented to bo greatly interested in the stork, and looked at him as long as he could. Then, turning to his father, ho said disappointedly: "Gee, daddy, he never recognised me!”

The Fond Belief. —Actor (condescendingly to super): “What are you otherwise?" Super: "A Mohammedan.” Actor: “That is your belief —I mean your profession—for instance, I am an actor.” Super: "But that is your belief.” # * * Thought-Reading. —The bumptious young man was trying to create an impression at a party. "Oh, yes,” be said, to a woman guest, "I am something of a thought-reader. I can tell just what a person is thinking.” “.Really,” she said. “Then I beg your pardon. I had no intention of hurting your feelings.”

Better Step On It.—“Pa," said the kid, “what is meant by being ’twixt the devil and the deep sea?’ ” “It is the position a man is in, son, when the traffic cop signals to stop and the back-seat driver orders him to go ahead," replied his dad.

The Woman Voter.—A political canvasser, after spending 20 minutes on a doorstep dilating on the glories of his party, asked the woman of the house if she thought it would be any use his calling again, when her husband svas at home.

“No," was the unexpected reply. "You see, we are already insured with one company.”

Trumped.—Dropping into thp club the other day before lunch, a thirsty member ordered a bottle of beer, but before he could enjoy it ho was called away to the telephone. In-order to protect his property he seized the top card of a pack—it happened to be the three of diamonds—and, writing his name upon it, leaned it against the bottle, and went to answer his call. When ho returned his drink had gone. "I say,” he complained loudly, “where’s my drink?”

“Oh, didn’t you know?” chuckled the near-by denizen of an easy chair. “Young Fortcseue came along with t.ho ten of diamonds and took the trick.”

The Mode.—“lsn’t your price for this parrot very high?” “But it was brought up in one of the most fashionable families, madam.” “How do you know?” “It always talks when anyone begins to sing.”

“Did lie threaten you when he kissed you?” “Yes, he said: 'lf you scream, I will never kiss you again.’” “Kasper,” Stockholm.

Under a Ladder. —Mrs. Green: “I never walk under a ladder. I think it’s most unlucky.” Mrs. Morgreen: “Well! I call that silly. I just place the tips of the little fingers together, bend the other three into the palm, cross the thumbs, say ‘Magnum bonum’ and walk right under any ladder. If you do that you’re perfectly safe. I can’t stand, silly superstitions myself.”

Flounces on the Flyer. —On this trip the crack express had been far from living up to its reputation. First it would go forward fifty yards or so, then back, then stand still, puffing uncertainly, and then begin the same thing all over again. At last one of the travellers lost his patience and summoned the porter. “What’s the matter with this train?” he exploded. “Backing up and jerking forward in this awful way.” “It’s quite all right, sir,” the porter assured him in that soothing way that porters have. “I think the engineer is teaching his wife to drive.”

“So you haven’t reserved the grave next your husband’s for yourself?” “No, my husband always snores so terribly.” “Dorfbarbier," Berlin.

March of Science. —First Cook: “Wliat do you do with yourself now that the ice man is out of a job?” Second Ditto: “Well, the man who collects instalments on tho electric refrigerator ain’t such a bad sort.”

Housemaid (returning from evening out): “Haven’t you been out, cook?” Cook: “No; I’ve just 'ad forty winks.” Housemaid (gleefully): “So’ve I. 1 went past the barracks! —“The Humorist.”