CHESTNUTS.

Manawatu Times, Volume LXIX, Issue 2562, 20 December 1924, Page 3

CHESTNUTS.

The t-yvo ladles had not met for some time and, they were the sort of ladles who are always vitally interested in each other’s welfare, they had a good deal to talk about, you may be cex-tain. After discussing numerous domestic details, the first woman remarked: "I hope your health is better than when I saw you last.”

"No; I grow worse every day,” was the doleful response. “Too bad—-too bad! What seems to be the matter?”

"Nobody knows,” said the longsuffering one. “And the doctoi’s they can’t tell until after a postmortem.”

"Why, how awful! You poor, dear thing! In your state of health you can never live through that,” said the other woman.

They had had one of their usual tiffs because hubby was home late for dinner.

"You’re always late,” she said indignantly, “You were late at the church the day we were married,” “Yes," he answered bitterly, “but I wash’t late enough."

Over the low wall of the garden Weary Willie had caught a glimpse of an open back door, and on thc kitchen table a tasty plate of cakes. Climbing over the wall, he dropped to the ground on the other side and was just going to cross the lawn when the lady of the house tapped him on the shoulder. The next moment her dog sprang at him and pinned him against the wall, growling and allowing its teeth. “What are you doing here?" asked the lady, without attempting to call off the dog. ■Madam,’’ replied the tramp, with as much dignity as he could muster "I did intend to request something to eat, but all 1 ask now is that, in the interests of humanity, you feed this dog.”

Suitor: “What makes you think, six-, that I will not be able to support your daughter Father: “The difficulty I’ve had m doing it myself.”

Flapper: "Let’s do something extraordinary to-night; something ivc never did before.” Jack: “We might spend the even, ing at home.”

Jones was in a state of financial embarrassment, and so he thought he would try to mend matters by going to a moneylender. “Can you let me have four hundred pounds Isaacs?” he asked. Thinking seriously for a moment or two, *Mr Isaacs declined the request, but said he was willing to lend two hundred. Jones was greatly disappointed, but w'a. s not to be done, and suggested halving the difference. Again, after a thoughtful pause, the moneylender refused. “Book here, Isaacs!” said Jones desperately. “Let me have three hundred. and I will give you the winner of the Derby.” “What’s the use of the winner or th- Derby?” demanded the other. I haf no stable to keep him in!”

A revivalist preacher, at all times forceful in his language, his religion being of the ‘shirt-sleeve” order, had .taken for his text, '"Vanity. To point his moral, he said:— “Now, if there Is a woman in Oie congregation this morning who didn’t look in the mirror before coming to the meeting. I want to see her; I want her to stand up!” A single woman arose and stood with meekly downcast eyes. To describe her in a kindly way, one womd say she was homely. The revivalist rested his earnest eyes upon her, "Well, Heaven bless you, sister, he said. "It certainly is a pity you didn’t-

The rector of a certain parish was concerned because Ned, a local character, never went to church or chapel. He remonstrated with him, asked him where he thought he would go when he died. “Well, as I figure it out,” Ned replied. “it will be something like this. When you die and appear at the Golden Gate, St. Peter will say. 'Where do you come from? and you will re. ply that you were rector of the parish of St. Stephen’s. So he will say ‘Come inside and go ‘there,’ pointing to a particular spot. Then up will come Jan Williams, and St. Peter will ask him what denomination he belonged to, and he’ll say he was a Methodist- So St. Peter will say, ‘Com e inside and go there,’ pointing to another place. “Well, by and by I shall come up, and St. Peter will say, "Well, Edward, and what was your religion?” and I shall tell him straight out that I did’nt belong to any of the sects. ‘Oh, well, in that case, Edward,’ he will say, you can com* in and go where you like.’ ”

Actor (describing his latest success): "And the audience, my boy, were glued to their seats.” Cynical Critic: ‘That certainly was a good way of keeping them, tkerel”

The great mystery play was about to start, when the heroine rushed into the manager's office. “What shall I do?” she cried, ‘My dresser has fled with the jewels I'm to wear to.night.” "Whatfs gone?” asked the manager, sternly. "The diamond tiara, the ruby necklace, and all the diamond rings and gold bracelets. The manager frowned and pondered “You must pay for this!” ho said. "Ton were responsible for the jewel chest. I shall deduct two-and-six pence from your week's salary.

In a certain district in East Africa is a Resident Magistrate. When he is away a doctor acts for him. Recently each agreed that he had broken the law by riding at night without a light. oßth thought that the law would be vindicated if each appeared in court before the other. The magistrate sat first and fined the doctor five pounds. When it was the doctor’s turn to be the “beak,” he fined the magistrate twenty pounds. The magistrate looked aghast, but the doctor justified his severity by emphasing that an example was needed, since obviously the offence was becoming a common one; there had been another case that very day.

The sentimental girl inquired gushingly: "Oh. Colonel, don’t you love Longfellow’s poems?” “Can’t say I do,” was the reply. "Never read them, in fact. Consider all poetry drivel.' “But,” she persisted, “surely you cannot help admiring this verse out of ‘The Bay Is Bone’: — “And the night shall be filled with music. And .the care* that infest the day Shall fold their tents like the Arabs, And as silently steal away.”

"By Jove!” he exclaimed, “there is something In that I know those Arab beggars—they would steal anythiag **.