BENCH AND BAR HUMOUR.

Manawatu Times, Volume XLVII, Issue 2741, 6 September 1923, Page 9

BENCH AND BAR HUMOUR.

SAL/LIES OP FAMOUS MEN. In the Melbourne "Age" a writer as collected quite a volume of clever dlies attributed to famous figures of 10 Bench and Bar. Once, during the hearing of a ceriin case, Mr Justice Darling had ocIsion to remonstrate with a barrister >r his reading of a technical point. You will pardon me, my lord," said he barrister, "but I may remind you hat you argued the case in a similar /ay when you were at the Bar." "I dmit it," said his Lordship, in that lave way he has made his own; "but hat was the fault of the Judge who Uowcd it." An eminent K.C., Mr >ankwerts, was asked in a certain ase who made the translation from he German of a document to which s had referred. The reply came, .lod knows, I don't." "Are you quite ire, Mr Dankwerts," Mr Justice Girling quickly remarked, "that what • .not known by you Is known at il?" At Exeter Assizes Mr Justice >arling was presiding at a breach or romise action. Examining one oi efendant's letters, he asked counsel or plaintiff: "Mr H., what do these ieroglvphics at the bottom of this •Iter mean?" /Mr H.: "Oh, in thai io"rt of letter my lord, these crosses re supposed to represent kisses." The idge: "Indeed! In the part of the ountry I come from we call it Three :.,' and it refers to beer." When Mr Justice Eve took silk in 595 he circulated the usual notice o> is intention to his seniors, according i the etiquette of the Bar. From ne of them he received the following -ply: "My dear Eve, —Whether you 'ear silk or a fig leaf I do not care.— v. Dam." Of his younger days the ate Lord Chief Justice Alverstone Richard Webster) used to tell this story:—One day, on his way to th< .aw Courts, his cab was run into by mother. In discharging the cabman t the Courts, Lord Alverstone hanad him his card in case he should bt wanted as a witness. In due cours< he case came on, and Lord Alvertone, who attended as a witness, was •sked to take a seat near the bench. The verdict was given in his canman's favour. On the way out, then itood cabby waiting for him. "Jump n, sir," ho cried. "I'll drive you anyivhere. I knowed it would be an right when I saw you up there asquaring the beak." Once a witness cleverly turned the ables on Mr Justice Avory when Juwa3 appearing as counsel in a case. "Let me see." said -u- Avory to a witness for the other side. "You have been convicted before, have you not?" "Yes, sir/' answered the man; "but it was due to the incapacity of my counsel rather than to any fault on my part." "It always is," said Mr Avory. with a calm smile, "and you have my sincere sympathy." "I deserve it," said the man, "seeing that you were my counsel on that occasion." Sti Samuel Evans once asked a man who had sat on several juries: "Who influenced you most —the lawyers, the witnesses, 'or the Judge?" "This h> the way I made up my mind," replied the man. "I am a plain chap and a reasonin' one. I am not influenced by anything the lawyers say, nor by what the Judge says. I jusi look at the man in the. dock, and J ask myself, 'lf he has not done anything, why is he there?' and I bringo him in guilty." Sir Samuel Evans also tells of a man who stole a pair of trousers. Ho received a favourable verdict, but when the case was over he showed no signs of leaving the Court. At last his lawyer asked him why he did not go. The "innocent" man whispered in reply: "The fact is. sir, I do not like to leavo until the witnesses have left the court. You see. I have got on the trousers 1 stole." The humour of Mr Justice Jolf is of a somewhat sarcastic kind. He once asked a lachrymose prisoner who appeared before him: "Why du you weep?" "Oh, my lord," came the tearful answer, "I have never' been to prison before." "Don't cry, prisoner at the bar," came the cheerful answer, "I am going to send you there now." Among the wittiest men at the Bar were Lord Carson (Sir Edward Caron), Lord Reading (Sir Rufus Isaacs), and Lord Birkenhead (Sir P. E. Smith). A splendid example of spontaneous wit was when a Judge pointed out to Sir Edward Carson the discrepancy between the evidence of two witnesses, one a carpenter and the other a publican. "That is so, my lovl; another case of a difference betwe. .i the bench and tho bar." Sir Edward Carson's icy, biting style towards hostile witnesses contributed much to his reputation as the most sucessful cross-examiner of his day. One of the best examples of his trenchant wit is afforded in a case in which he was opposed by an elderly, prosy, long-winded lawyer in an assault case. The elderly lawyer, in his concluding address, spoke for six hours. It was an interminable, foggy, stupid speech. Then Sir Edward Carson rose. He smiled slightly, looked at the Judge and jury, and said: "Your Honour, I will follow the example of my learned friend, who has just concluded, and submit the case without argument." Even more cutting was his rejoinder to a witness with an obviously red nose, whom he was crossexamining. "You drink, my man," was the counsel's blunt remark. Witness: "That is my business." Sir Edward (blandly): ''Any other business?" Never was there a more remorseless cross-examiner than Sir Rufus Isaacs. A surgeon who had been cross-examined by him declared that the famous K.C. had been a perfect nightmare to him for several days. "I dreamt about you last night." he said to tho lawyer. "I have hardly slept since you let me out of the box on Friday. I dreamt that you examined me, and I seemed to have nothing on but bones." During an electioneering campaign some years ago F. E. Smith was holding forth In support of tariff reform. "What about our food?" was the insistent question of a man at the back. At length the speaker could stand it no longer. Calmly lie turned towards* his interrupter, and said, sweetly: "You need not have any concern, sir. No one has ever proposed to put a tax on thistles. Your food supply is quite safe." F. E. Smith's epigrams are legion. He thus referred

to the death duties: "One section of the community lives to enjoy old age pensions, and the other has to die to pay them." To "F.E." has been attributed the witty reply to a questioner at a social gathering who inouired as to the identity of a certain lady whose scanty gown enabled her to display somewhat more of her physical charms than is consistent with good taste. "Oh, that is a Russian lady of distinction —the Princess Shemizoff, nee Orloff." Sir John Simon, another brilliant lawyer, who is credited with having at the outset of his political career tossed a coin with P. E. Smith to determine which should be a Liberal and which Conservative, as there would not be room for two Prime Ministers in the same party, tells a story concerning a group of Scottish lawyers who met convivially at an Ayrshire 'iin one cold evening. The conversation turned on pronunciation. "Now I" said one of the barristers, "always lay 'neether,' while John here says 'nayether.' What do you say, Sandy?" The hot tipple had made Sandy dose, but at the sudden question he was aroused, and replied: "I? Oh, I say whusky.' " Mr Augustine Birrell, another prominent barrister, who was a member of Mr Asquith's long-lived Min'stry. states that he never but once went to consult a physician, and that was when he went to see a distinguished Hariey Street doctor, who was the great expert in the disease Mr Birrell thought he was suffering from. It was a hot day in July, and as he had hurried Mr Birrell was perspiring freely. In the great physician's waiting rooms, which were crowded with patients, Mr Birrell, in order to fill in time, picked up a book, and found it was written by the physician on the subject of the particular disease. The first thing he chanced to read was a ntatement that person suffering from the disease never perspired. "I had Scottish blood in my veins," said Mr Birrell, "so I took up my hat and gloves and walked out, and X have never seen that eminent physician from that day to this." Mr. Justice Channell had a pretty turn of wit. A little girl was before him, and he proceeded to ascertain whether she knew the nature of an oath. She replied that she would go to Heaven if she told the truth, but would go to the other place if she told lies. "You are quite sure, my child?" said the Judge. "Yes, my Lord, quite sure." "Let her be sworn," said the Judge; ''she knows more than I do." '•Do you know the nature of an oath?" said counsel to a witness who seemed to be of somewhat inferior intellectual attainments. Witness (impressively) "Sir, I have driven a keb in this city L'or nigh on forty year 3." At the Limerick Assizes * bxty fras brought forward as a witness at a murder trial. He appeared so young and ignorant that *sie Judge (SolicitorGeneral BuschoJ thought it necessary to examine Hm as to his qualifications for a witness. The following dialogue then took place:—-"Do you know, my lad, the nature of an oath?" "An oath? No." "What religion are ya " 'A Catholic." "Do you ever ,«*ee your priest?" "Yes." "Did he ever speak to you?" "I met him on the mountain one day, and he bade me hold his horse, and be damned to me." The Judge: "Go down; you are not fit to be sworn."