“FIVE MILLION JAPS”

Manawatu Standard, Volume LVIII, Issue 206, 30 July 1938, Page 4

“FIVE MILLION JAPS”

(By “Riley and Me.”) Riley looked very sad when he called at my place to-day. “What’s the matter, Riley?” sez I. “Matter,” sez he, “why, we will soon be driven out of the country.” “Why,” eez I. “Are the Japs coming?” “Too right they are,” sez he. “There’s a fella’ up Auckland way (beggin’ his pardon), a Bishop. I believe he is, and he is importing five millions of them.” “The divil he is,” sez I. “Yes,” sez he, “and they’ll overrun this country, so they will.” “Well,” eez I, “they can’t run all the time. Where are they going to live ?” “Well,” sez he, “I’ve been doing a bit of calculating, and I find it would take the Under-Secretary for Housing a thousand years to build enough houses for them at the rate of a thousand houses a year, five Japs to a house.” “Oh. but,’ sez I. “Japs live in paper houses; each one would stick up a few poles and paste newspapers over them and, l>e dad, there ve are, all the houses up in one day.” “Well,” .sez Riley, “there'6 no doubt they would be a great asset to the country; so they would.” “Shure, and where docs the Bishop intend to put all these Japs to work?” sez I. “I believe.” sez he. “they can all get a job on the public works. Or it may be some of them will be sent to help the farmers milk the cows.”

“Well,” sez I, “ae they work tor about a shilling a week or thereabouts, the cow-cockies should be very glad to get them. It would help to close the ‘gap.’ so it would.” gap?” sez he. “AVhv.” sez I, “the gap between what the cockie gets for his butterfat and what he thinks he should get.” “Well.” sez he. “if that gap could be closed we’d all be happy.” “So we would say,” sez I. “but there’s no doubt it’s a big gap.”

“Listen to me,” eez Riley. “I knew a farmer in Taranaki, about 30 years ago, before the milking machines were used. He had a great job to get milkers. Well, one night he went to a circus and saw the monkeys playing tricks. Well, he got a brain-wave. He thought if he could only get a couple of monkeys to milk his cows all his troubles would be over.

_ “Well, what did he do but go to the circus man and buy two clever little monkeys. He took them home and they learned to mi, 1 k the cows in no time ; so they did, 'but there was one bad fault with them, so there was.” “What was that?” sez I.

“Well,” sez he, “after they had run round the dirty cowyard to bail up a cow, he could not get them to wash their feet before they milked the cow.”

“Well.” sez I, “I’ve seen a good many milkers, both men and women, and, be dad! I nivir saw one of them wash their feet before he milked a cow.”

“No,” sez he, “but I bit ye nivir saw any of thim milk a cow with their feet, the same a 6 a monkey does.” “Oh well,” sez I, “we were talking about Japs, not monkeys.”

| “Well,” sez he. “it seemed to remind me of monkeys somehow whin we were talking of the Japs, so it did.”

“Well, I suppose you know, Riley,” sez I, “that some great thinkers say that all the people of the world once sprung from monkeys.” “That may be,” eez he. “but ye can’t deny that some sprung a long way further 'than others ”