The Fireside.

Manawatu Standard, Volume 3, Issue 48, 20 January 1883, Page 2

The Fireside.

A Philadelphia boy was as'ced if be erer prayed m church, and answered ; ' Oh, I always Bay a prayer like the reat do, just before the sermon begins. 'Indeed,' responded the astonished querist 1 what do you say V f Now I lay me down, to sleep.' Neighbor's pretty daughter., -Hoik much is this a yard V '.Only one kiss.' • It'a so cheap I will take three yards, and grandma will pay you,- • • When a man can fasten tbe rear button of hia collar without pulling his face or thinking profanity, he exhibits a quality of patience under difficulties which emu nently fits him to be cashier for a weeklj newspaper.'Pa, what is a lay preacher V inquired a boy one quiet Sunday afternoon. ; »A lay preacher ! 'Why. my son, a lay preacher is a— a — a— a lay perach'er is a man who lays around amT takes the regular preacher's place,, and deals out a stride, peculiar and conflicting theology.' "~',- » The New York practice of using are* flector and throwing a ray of roae^colored light upon the brides che«k as shepaaaea up .the, aisle of the church, was sought to be introduced m San Francisco, but-the man managing the reflector wasalittl* inervouß, and directed the ray upon the nose of the bridegroom, and the consequence was that those who had assembled lo witness the marriage, and were not m the secret, thought the bride was throwing herse f away on a magnificent ni'mbiossomed nose. An Austin man started m the livery stable business last week, aud the. first thing he did was to have a big sign painted representing himself holding a mule by the bridle. 'Is that a good likeness of me? 1 he asked of an admiring friend. 1 Yes, it is a perfect picture of you; but who is the fallow holding you by the bridle?' . ; :■.■■•■' A few Sundays ago we overheard a lady say to her consort when leaving the church door, 'What on earth were : you writhing and twisting about so m. Church f or f ' 'Oh ! I was praying ; praying.' 'But you were not praying whilst we were singing ?' t Yes I was.. . I was praying to god that some of you would gUe up sharpening saws. during Divine Service,' ; Uniform Poltoness.— Judge.— - Now, you are sure, Constable, you said nothing to enrage this man before he assaulted you 1 Conßtable.-r-Quite sure, yer Wor. ship. By my sowl, I only tould him to disparca afore I took off my uniform Gloves !

Mat M. was a queer genius. A neigh, bor found him at work one day at an en* ormous wood-pile, sawing away for dear life with an intolerably dull' saw. « Why don't you sharpen -your saw, Mat?' asked the neighbor. Looking up with an inimitably droll expression, he replied; 'I should think I had work enough to saw up this wood»pile withoutjstopping to sharpen saws.' An Alabama humorist writes : 'TV hj can't people cultivate sociability and good nature ? Here was^i man the other night got taring mad and organised a riot just because a fellow, who Bat behind him at the theatre put his feet up on his shoulder, and spit on his high hat. , Some men have such cold and unsympathic natures that they can't bear a little genial humor m their fellow-beings,' AStliouis editor accidentally received m his morning mail proof-sheets intended for the employes of .a religious publica-tion-house. After glancing over them he rushed to the sub-editor, yelling,' ' Why m the world didn't you get a re« port of the big flood I jflven that slow old religious paper across the way is ahead of you, Send out your fbree for ful particulars— only one family saved. In* terview the old man. His name is Noah.' ' Jack,' said an affectionats mother the oth»r morning, 'you really must come home earlier at nights. Do you suppose Esmeralda likes to have you stay so, late V 1 I'll tell you how it was/ replied Jack. 'You see, she was sitting on my hat, and I felt a little delicate about mentioning the fact.' 'Very well> I'll give you a; bit of advice. The next time don't hold your hat m your lap.' • Have you spoken to pa about that yet?' anxiously inquired the eldest daughter of her indulgent mother. • No, my child not yet. Your father is too busy with his credftors to think of pony phaetons' . and russet haraens to match, just now;* ' Bother the creditors,' was he tsnappish reply. 'That's what your father is doing, my dear. After h« has compromised, you shall have your turn-out.' I Irascible Client ; ' And do you mean to tell me that I have no legal remedy against ; a villain who calls me a bald»h«aded old buffer?' Solicitor: 'I'm afraid not. You see we are actually , bald-headed — so there's nothing to lay hold of !'— A patent medicine manufacturer hai received the following testimonial : ' Dear Sir, — Your pills are the beat I have ever seen. My wife's mother i 3 growing worse. Send me four more boxes.'