WIT AND HUMOUR.

Mount Ida Chronicle, 22 June 1900, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOUR.

The other lay a fruit dealer, imensfld >y tli ■ libertiei taken by the loafers with hiai wnrns at the door, placed a half gi,hiu of oiy.i'iino pi-pp.ti'H in n buffet, and labelled them 'New Zealand 0 utrries,' and hung it in a conspicuous place in front bin stand. In a few ininur.es the next-dour shopkeepur sauntod up, inquired how trade was, picked up a ' New Zealand Cherry.' placed it in his mouth, and suddenly left to attend to a customer. The Rv. Dr. Billy next came up, observed that the news from the E ist was not very enc.waging, and—ah! it was years since lie had oaten a 'New Z saland Cnerry whereupon ha ato one, remarked- that it was superb, wiped his weeping eyes on his coat-sleeve, supposed that New Zjuland wab getting warmer evei y year, wished the dealer good morning, and departed, lamenting the growing weakness of his eyes in the sunlight. A lady with her taro children next appeared, stopped to admire the cherrieß, asked if she mightn't just taste one—as she had never seen any before, supplied the children, and walked away with a face liery with Bcorn and anger, while the children set up a howl that brought all the people to the doors and windows, and drove ail the policemen from the street. Thus the fun went on all the morning. Th« fruit-denJer never laughed so much in his life.. The occupants of the adjacent shops, and a shoal of small boys heard what was up, watched, and joined in the ringing roar as each new victim tried the cherries. Finally, a solemn-looking countryman lounged up..inquired the price of them ere ' New Zealand Ouorriea,' invested in a pint, put one in his mouth, took it out again, gave the fruit-dealer a lingering look of mild reproach, pulled off his coat ' und ' waded ' into him. When he left, the fruitman with tendencies to practical jokes was a sight to behold ; besides which, several bushels of fruit had been scattered among the small boys. * # * During the performance cf an overture recently, one of the musicans having a trumnet part to perform played too low, whtch'the leader observing, cried out; ' Louder ! louder 1' No attention being paid, he repeated his command so often, that at length tho indignant German, in agony of passion and exhaustion, threw down his trumpet, and turning towards the audience, violently exclaimed : 'lt is very easy to cry ' Louder J louder 1' but vere is de vind V * # $ ry&k* The R;v. Walter Dunlop was much distressed by a schism in his flock, occasioned by an agitation being raised in Dumfries on the subject of adult baptism. One day, in the course of his sermon on the words, "How often would L have gathered thee as a hen gathereth her chickens," his feelings on the subject broke forth, and with tears, he said: " Oli, my freens, ye ken hoo I've striven tae gie ye the words o* wisdom ; _ye ken hoo I've keepit ye year after year, as a hen covers her chickens, but I doot after a' there's some deucks amang ye; hop mony are ga'n aff tae the water #* * ' A story is told which shows that, in the days when he was younger, Lord Rosebery was already a humourist of parts. He wanted a new hat, and Went into a great Oxford street establishment to buy one. Wnile he stood bare-headed waiting to be fitted, a bishop entered on the same errand, and mistook the Earl of Rosebery for one of the shop-assistants. ' Have you a hat like this?' he asked,' showing him is own extraordinary head-! gear. The future Prime Minister took it from him, and oxamined it critically/ before he answered. ' No,' he replied at length, ' I haven't got a hat like that, and if 1 had I m blessed if I shquld we§r it.'* *• # #. Two Irishmen went a little way out to see some friends, and, "drinking a little too freely, they were much in liquor! Tiieir friends would fain have persuaded the in to stay all night, but they determined to go homo. J They set out accordingly, but before"** they had got a mile on their way one reeled aud fell into a ditch. " ' Tho other, hearing him fall, wailed out: 'Patrick! shure if ye are dead tell me/ 'No, Timothy,' said Patrick; < I'm not dead, bud only spachelesa.' ' * ♦ * The teacher was going over the goou old story of King Solomon and his" wisdom. ' ' Now, dears, who was tho great Queen who travelled so many miles and miles to see the King ?' S.leuce prevailed in the plass. ' Why, you do know, all of you. The Queen who came to see the King ?■'< ' Thu name had been forgotten by the class. In order to help them, the'kind but misguided teacher began to'ofler'a little assistance. ~ ~ ' You do know, lam sure. The name begins with S, and she was a very great Queen' ~ -•*- • ' - - Just then up shot a little hand, aud out spoke the triumphant voice of the little, auburn-haired girl. She transfixed the listening school-room with the following brief statement : ' I know ; it was ihe Queen of Spades.' # # " It was during the recent spell of fear: fully hot weather that the parson of "a certain church not far away from the sity of Sydney was one Sunday preaching a somewhat dry sermon to a still dryer audience. Suddenly he looked at his congregation, when about half-way through his sermon, and noticed that many heads were nodding. < ' Brethren,' he resumed, after he had noted this fact, and he continued in the same monotonous voice in which he h|»d been delivering his sermon for close apoa half-an-hour, ' I wonder how* many of you would be ready if the Angelof Deatli were to make his appearance at*'this moment of your existence aud call out.' in a loud voice, 'Tickets!" Nearly half of the male portion of the congregation awoke with a violent jerk, felt hastily in their waistcoat-pockets for something which did not happen to be, there, looked round in a dazed sort of waw for a moment, then looked round to see who had seen them, and became 1 promptly attentive and equally devout. ' • • m Paddy had a pig whioh he regularly crammed one day and starved the next. When asked why ho did so, he replied t ' Och, sure, and isn't it 1 thac like to have my bacon with a strake o' fat aud a strake o' lane aqually, one after t'other 9' • • » ' Can I get anything on this watch asked the society burglar, as he presented a stolen chronometer at the sign of thq Three Balls. 4 About five years, I should think,' : replied the deteotire who had been waiting for the missing goods to turn qq,