FUNNY STORIES.

Marlborough Express, Volume XLVIII, Issue 68, 21 March 1914, Page 6

FUNNY STORIES.

THEY; DID THE LYJNG.

Visitor: "HoiW: does the land lie this way?": ■Native: "It ain't the land that kes; it's tli-e land agents."

AN O^RSIGHT.

Mother: "Th^re; were. two apples in the cupboaa'idy Toiamy, and now there is: only onev How's that?" Tommy (who sees no -way out of it): "Well,.'ma' y it was so dark ih'there that I didn't see the otlißr."

AT THE SAME GAME

"1 find that my husband lias been laving the ofiice-boy call me up every day. arid mumble terms of endearment; He's,bgien going to golf." ' Uso\v is it i)h>t you didn't catch •n;'.; $6 voice f l'■ _ '' '

'"Well. I'm 'btisy At bridge every day, and I've been ha v ing the cook •answerl the -~t elepliOheV''

JS©T LOST, BPT-LKFT BEHIND

Mrs Clarke came rii ailing hurriedly into her husbaiid's office ano morning. "Oh, Dick," . ishe cried; as she 'gasped for bfl^eatit..'"! my diamond ring off •-..lay;.!finger ; and I can't find it an where."

"It's all right, : Be^s/ \ replied Mr Clarke.. "I oame across it in. my trousers pocket." , . .■;.■ .,:-..-:■

NOT URGENT,,

She was the youngest of eight children in a minister's family, and as his salary was not large, she already had lea.rned that there were many things that .the family could not have. " One day her father told her, that she had a new baby sister. "Well, papa," sHe said bravely, "I suppose it's att right; but it seems to me there wero a lot or things we seeded more."

CLOTHES A.ND THE MAN

A little boy in.- a, Sunday school was asked by his teacher the la^t things Joseph's brothers, did to- him. "They put him in the pit," said the little boy. ""Quite right," said, the teacher. "Now, can you. tell me wily they did that?"

, "Because he ;iiad > coat of many colors," replied the.boy. "If he had yrorn a dress-suit they would have put him in the orchestral stalls."

A BIT MIX Lit)

The following letter was sent by a, man to his son at college:—"My dead' son,—l .vi'-i-o' to-send you some new socks,' wi- Ai your mother has just knit by catting down some of mine; your mother sends- you ten pounds without my knowledge, and for fear you would not spend it wisely,, I have kept half, and only send you five. Your mother and I are well, except that yonr sister lias .got the measles. T hup& you will do honor to my teachings; if you do not, you are a donkey, and youx mother and myself 3no your affectionate parents."

"VERY DRY."

The Vioar of Monmouth lias been telling an amusing $tcry. A doctor, he says, had been called in to attend a working man, and having done What he could for the time being, he told the patient's wife to take her husband's temperature in the morning. When the doctor called next day, lie asked if she had done as he told iier. She explained that they hadn't a thermometer in the house.

"But I put the barometer on his ohest," she- added, "and1 it went to ' Very Dry.' So I gavo him a pint of bear, and he's gone to' work."

AT 4 A.M.

, The gentleman who had dined at his club arrived homo in the small Lours, and wavering into fch© library, adjusted tho light, and, picking up a heavy tome, settled himself for a studious hour. Presently he felt, rather' than sa\r, his wife standing at the door; he exaggerated his attitude of close attention to his volume. "Do you know that it's- past four o'clock, James?" she addressed him. "You'd better put out> the light and come to bed."

"Now. .ni' dear," he said, impatiently, "g' 'way, I'm studying— improving my min'. &' 'way." ©he" stood for a' moment, eyeing hint intently. "Please—please close up that suitcase and come to bed," she implored. • ■

LOST BALL

An American Hanator told this golf story recently in a Washington club. Little Jimmy had been rambling around the country all the afternoon, arid when he returned to his home he dug down into his pockets, and produced a new golf ball. "See this golf ball that I found mamma," he proudly remarked. "It was lying in the road down along the golf course of the country civ.b." "But, Jimmy," interposed, the good woman, with an anxious expression, "are you sure that the ball was lost?" ."Oh, it was lost all right," was the positive response of Jimmy. "I seen the

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man and his caddy looking all over for it."

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REMEDY

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WHAT DEALERS SAY.

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R. C. Brien, Fainjly Chemist, "Wellington—"Your essence is: selling splendidly. Send anothei?gross^ at once."

Burgess, Fraser & Co., Merchants, New Plymouth:^"Kindly forward another five gross Hean's Essence. Buyers are repeating orders and taking increased quantities." m -

Mr>A. Eccles, Proprietor of the largest retail drug business in Auckland—£l must say the sales of Hean's Essence have exceeded my expectations. My customers are particularly well pleased with it, and! I shall shortly be ordering another five grosls lot."

W. D. James, Feilding-^-"Please send me another gross of Hean's Essence. It is no trouble to sell on account of being made by a qualified chemist, and the fact that one bottle makes^ pint of family cpugh i mixture '-and1 saves people so. much money. - The mixture made from your Essence haai proved itself much better than the usual run of cough mixtures.- We use it our- , selves, and find it really; good." r (

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v She was a plump widow with two charming daughters. She had been a "relict" just a year, and was beginning t<> wear her "weeds'. 1 lightly. All the-same, when the new curate called upon her, die sighed: ,'■-•■:■ "Ah, I feel the loss ofCtay poor, dear husband very much. I never have any appetite for anything now." , The curate was all sympathy, and, in .the endeavor to cheer her by pointing out Avhat a comfort to her her daughters must be, replied: "I cazi quite understand.that; but you are solaced in—-' "S-i-r-r!',',.;lr.terrupted the indignant lady. "Allow me to inform you that I am not laced in at all!"

SANDY'S PROPOSAL

Had the bashful; or bungling wooer of the following story been Irish instead of Scottish, it is probable that the lassie would not have been.called upon to define the meaning of his attentions.

■ Sandy and his lass had been sitting side by side in silerieeT for a long '.time-:' "

■ "Blaggie," said he at last, "wasna I h^re on; the Saiwbath nicht ?"

•••"Aye',"'.'''Sandy, I daiir/ say you were;" " '

"Alid wasna I here oh . Monday nieht?" •.■'■■■■•■•,••■

"Aye, saelye \vere.ir . \ "And I was here on Tuesday nicht, and Wednesoay nicht, and .Thursday nicht, and Friday nicht?"

"Aye. I'm thinkin' that's sac." "And this is Setterda^ • nicht, and I'm here again?" "Woel, what for no? I'm sure you^re verj T welcome." '.■*.: "Maggie" jdeperately), ''wunaman, dae ye no. begin tae smell a rait?"-