FUNNY STORIETIES.

Marlborough Express, Volume XLVII, Issue 235, 4 October 1913, Page 6

FUNNY STORIETIES.

- *•■s.-.-.. -, ♦— %- . .-,,.-.-1 EXVECTED.IT.. His Daughter? - "Tins paper says that. Mr Millions died* -intestate." V-" Her Pa : • "I v e^i>*rted it the minnit T heerd them *doetor&^ was go in' to operate on him." *'" " " * A BIG MOUTHFUL. -v ______ iVLmde \va c liOmo from college. ''"Will "you," slie said to her mother, "pass me my diminutive, argenteous^ irun'cated cone, convex on its summit,* aud semi-perfotat*vdI'with symmetrical indentations p'' was asking for ■ ,-, her thimble. ' ' < KNEW SOMETHING. '■"MilLvjhns: '-"Wm-n- I "married.your" mother I ( wasseaming ten dollars, a week; two years later I bought out my employer." «. Daughter": "And put in a cash re^isjrer I". ~. ■ telling; by touch. . "1 fear you do not really love me," said the young doctor. "Why do you. . say that?' r-denuuided the gti-1. "Your piilse does not to^ accelerate, at " all when I hold your hand." AGAINST THE ROLES. First Caddie (pointing with' his - thumb to another caddie, further up the table, ' who is eating with hu> knife): "Look, nt. old Bill, going rahnd the whole course wiv 'is iron." HIS pNLY HINT. "Has Tom ovei' hinted marriage to you?" "Only once. Coming-home from the theatre the other night he laughed and .said that anyhow two could ride in a taxi-cab as cheap as' one." . DROUGHT STRICKEN. A veteran, talking 3 to his greatgrandson, a little lad of eight or nine years, remarked:. "Nearly a generation and 'a-half .--go my head' was grazed by a bulJe-t-at. the battle of Chikamauga." The little boy gazed at the old man's head thoughtfully, .and said- "There isn't much grazing there now, is there/ sir " AND SPOIL THE TRIP? Gaydog (who has taken . a few friends on-a little cruise): "Boys, I'm sorry, we will have to turn back— 4 "I've just learned- thai- nry wife has eloped with my ehauf:>ur.". Agonised Chorus: "But" think i>i us. We can't pro.back,-.our wires haven't.' ' THE EMPTY HEADS, "Why don't you hold up your head as I do?" inquired a lawyer of a small farmer. . ' ... ! ''Squire."' .replied tne farmer, "look at that 'field, of "wheat: All the valuable heads hang down, like mine; while thosethat have nothing, in them „ stand upright, like yours." . I A MODERN ALEXANDER. "Don't go near the old fellow in ■. the pasture/ soiiriv," the farmer ( warned the .fresh-air' child. "He's, terribly fierce." ""I tired him out already," fhe lad replied. "He ain't half as" fierce as an automobile in tfie oity. Got any bears :r lions around be*©?*' , SHE CAUGHT- HIM, The young girl confronted him with . flashing eyes. * " ! "What did you mean," she demanded, "by kissing me as I lay asleep in the hammock this mom-j ing?"« , I "But," protested the- youth,. "I only took one."' | -"You did not. I counted at least seven before I awoke." CAUTIOUS HIRAM. Two farmers mot in a western.town si day or two after a cyclone had visited that particular 'neighborhood. "She shook things-up pretty bad out at my place/ said one.' stroking • •his .whiskers meditatively. "By the ■ way. Hi," .he added, "that new barn o' youra get hurt any?". I "Wai," drawM the other, "I dunno. I hain't found it.'y.et.!' ■ \ -i\.% VALUED HIS MEMORY: He was a furniture remover's .man, and his memory, as he cheerfully i admitted,'was.'very'-Convenient.' | "No, I can't remember where Mr , Slyflit has tak^n his^family and furni- ' tuixj." "Come, now," said the debt collecT [ tor;« "he hasn't been gone a week, and you drove the van. 1' "Did I? I.' '* "You know you did." "And it's only- a week ago?" "Of course." " . -, .. "Funny how easily a ' fejllow i forgots."' ••;■■ I The collector produced half a sovereign andi tendered it. j \ "That ought to rouse your memory.." he remarked-. - "It ought to do, sir,'\he admitted; "but, you see, this ain't no common j ordinary memory, and it'll tako. a. i deal o'. rousing. -- > Why, .it cost a sovereign to put it to sleep:" - r WELL QUALIFIED; The. dia^iery magnate av«%s ' bombartliwg^TOe. applicant with the usual ■ questions. ; __. - - '. '"Are you teetotal?;' "Yes" .?■■■>■• ".Speak French?" ."Yes." "Good salesman?" "Yes." "Stock-keeper." "Yes.". , "Qa'n you .telL, ;i good lie?" ': "Oh. yes." "Well, I'll give yoirn .start." The young man got on .famously . for a few week*, until one fine morn-, ing a; dainty Parisian... damsel approached him find sweetly .stated her > requirements in the native tongue. l']m poor young nian was flabbergasted, noi^conipYehending a single .. word : Fiye •minutes.. later he was facing his indignant employer "This is scandalous, sir. When I j employed you did, you not tell me that you could speak French?" ""'True." mildly replied the culprit; "but did you not also ask me if I -could tell a good Ho?" ' . THE WORM'S TURN. He was a suburban amateur garr!<i?iej\ whose pride in his tiny garden was apt to bore his friends. Tno other day he .had taken a visitor round his retreat, expatiating at Itiiigih on his four rose, bushes, pocket shrubbery, half-inch fountain jet. with its little basin and pair of goldfish, and the summer house, which [

would always admit'two persons at once*. The long-suffering visitor" endiir^fl ii, all without retort, until he wa's asked to , admiie a twenty-foot Vyista." "Then the worm turned. "TM 'grounds' are certainly very^ handsome," he sai^, "bnt I think you' might improre thfm consideiably." I ?"170v,' .o?'' quoned the "owner, divided letwepn gratification ana j y\ouu«led pnde. I "Well, if T were you," suggested''the critic, blandly,' "I should take*-a stnp off that, flower-bed—s>ay, four inches wide—^tuif it over,'and. conveit it into a^golf links,"