FUNKY STORIETTES.

Marlborough Express, Volume XLVII, Issue 27, 1 February 1913, Page 6

FUNKY STORIETTES.

"WHAT" AND "WHEN.1

I "Your husband left you a great deal—" began the lawyer. : "Yes," responded the widow. "Nearly every night/ SPECULATION. "What are we barfed at nights for, Tommy?" ; "Dunno. 'Specs it's to keep the in- J i side of our pyjamas clean!" A SHORT" STAY. ' "How long did your new cook stay with you?" "Only an hour or so." "She must have left in a hurry." "She did. She poured kerosene on the kitchen fire." i A BOTHER. J "Look at this beautiful castle." : "Don't bother me. How can I read the guide book if you keep pestering me to look at the rocks and castles?" j WOMAN ABSOLVE!*. Counsel (to witness in bandages): "Are you married?" "Witness: "No; I was knocked down by a cab last week." jAN IMPROPER REQUEST. Dilapidated Tramp: "If he won't give me any money arsk the doctor if j ell give me an despair of trousers." Domestic Servant: "Can't. The doctor's a lady." j PROVERB v. PROVERB. "You cannot burn the candle at both ends," said the young wife, j remonstrating with her hard-working • literary husband. ' i "I'm afraid, my dear," was the re- j ply, "it is the only way to make both ends meet." HOPED FOR BETTER LUCK. i "Of course, Mary," said the j mistress, "if you're determined to get ' married, that's your own business; but you mustn't forget that marriage i is a serious matter." ; "I know, that, mum," Mary.; answered simply, "but, perhaps, I ' shall have better luck than you've ! had." i CREDIT SYSTEM. "A man should never undertake to ' own anything he can't pay for," said the thrifty citizen. I "Nonsense!" replied the election' expert. "Did you ever hear of a candidate waiting till he could pro- ' . duce his own campaign fund?" ! 1 KNEW ALL^ABOUT TEARS. | ! A doctor's wife once, attempted to move her husband by tears. "Ann," said he, "tears are useless. I have analysed them. They contain a little phosphate of lime, some chloride of sodium, and that's all." . I •j COULDN'T SAY FOR CERTAIN. ( ! A doctor was attending a dangerous case where a Scotch butler was engaged. On calling in the forenoon he said to Donald: "I hope your master's temperature is much lower to-day than it was last night." "I'm no sac very sure aboot that," ' replied the butler,' "for he deed this , morning." ' ■ j A WARM TRIBUTE: i ■It was in a little country town in the West of England, and Mr Good- <: man, excellent citizen and kindhearted man, allowed himself to be chosen Mayor for the fourth time. After the event, he met Mr Jones, one of his warmest admirers, who shook him heartily by the hand. 'Tin right sorry, Mr Mayor," said the worthy man, "they've putten on you: the trouble of officiating for another term, with all your many calls arid worries of business; a far worse man would have suited us— but that was just the trouble. We '■ couldn't find him—and it's my opinion las he ain't to-be found." j | I GOT HER UP. \ i J Guest: "Yes, my wife has been ill, ■ i but she is out again now. ! s i | Hostess: "What doctor did you ; ■ ;have?" } i ' Guest: "No doctor at all. I bought' I her a nevv hat." 'I s POOR OLD PA! , , \ ' ; Effie: "Shall I put on my macki ? intosh and run out and post this let- - : j ter, mother!" ) [ I Mother: "No dear; it's not fit for ' ! a dog to be out on a night like this. ■ s I Let your father post it." j I' | A RECURRING EVENT. j I ! Guest "Delightful party you are ; - I having to-night, old fellow. ■ ( Host: "Yes, I am giving it to my - I wife. It is the twelfth anniversary of her thirtieth birthday." i HE KNEW. I I Willie "Paw, what is domestic science?'* 5 i Paw; "Paying 1912 prices for | things out of a 1906 salary, my son." J ' j NO EXCUSE THERE. j 6 \ Mamma (dining out): "It isn't I polite, Bobby, to smack your lips ! when eating. You never do that at - ; home." 8 I .»" 'Cause we never hare any- < :. thing worth smacking over." j SMART BOY. ( - t "You are an honest boy," said the c ; Isdy, as she opened the roll of five v one-dollar bills, "but the money I lost . ; was a 5-dbllar bill. Didn't you see ' r • that in the advertisement?" ; "Yessim," replied the boy. "It was ' I a 5-dollar bill that I found, but I had _ lit changed so that you could pay me 5 a reward." • ; p ! ) J ! "PRESENTS" OF MIND. j I _ Sandy was walking along the road ' , m deep thought, and it was his minisc • ter who brought him to earth again a : vrxth: . . . :1 | ' "Hello, Sandy! Thinking: of the 0 , future, eh?" 3 «m' No'" r€sPlied our hero moodily, i _To-morrow's the wife's birthday, and - | I'm thinkin 7 o' the present." a | EXPLOITING THE AVIARY. f > j "When my wife and I were first a [married we used to call each other \ Birdie.' " " S ''Do you still do it?" 3 j . "No. I call her a parrot and a » . magpie, and she usually refers to me i, ;as a jay." . . J SQUARING UP. ; * ''' A^JT 68* Virginia darky, a. black- ; '. smith, recently announced a change in his business as follows: 1 ' "Notice.—De-co-partnership heretofore resisting between me and Mose »■ ; Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what » . owe de firm settle wid me, and deru

what de firm owes will settle witF Mose." A MIRACLE. The Angler "Is this public water, mv man?" The Inhabitant: "Ay."' The Angler: "Thou i, won't be a crime if I land a fish?" The Inhabitant: "No; it'll be st miracle!" WHAT A DIFFERENCE! Doctor: "'Yes, the symptoms are very serious. Yon must take to bed •at once, and I will have, to call and see you three times a day." Patient: "In that case it's lucky I joined the club last week." Doctor: "A club case? Good gracious! Why didn't you say so? Take a pennyworth of Epsom salts, and you'll be better to-morrow." j TOO WELL KNOWN. • Mr Brown (going into a newspaper office): "Is this the newspaper office?" i Editor: "It is." ■ Mr Brown: "Didn't this paper say I was a liar?" j Editor: "It did not." • •+. » r Browil: '"'Well, some paper said ; Editor: ."Perhaps it is the one down the street. This paper never prints stale news. ' ALL SQUARE. ! He: "You are to have your club ancl your own opinions on the suffragette question?" She: "Yes." He- ; 1 may retam my political sentiments and a latch-key, and we are to have a : separate purse, different suites of rooms, and mve no control over the actions of each other?" She- "Yes "' He (with relief): "Capital! Then : ataU "n ° f°r US to g6t marfied