FUNNY STORIETTES.

Marlborough Express, Volume XLII, Issue 92, 18 April 1908, Page 6

FUNNY STORIETTES.

NOT TO BE ACCOUNTED FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS. " A "popular archdeacon was out one day with his dog and gun. Meeting parishioner, lie proceeded to put him through his facings. "I hope, said the archdeacon, "you attend church regularly and read your Bible?" "I do read my Bible/ replied the parishioner, who then added in a severe tone 2 "but I nowhere find that the Apostles went out shooting." "No," said the archdeacon; "the shooting was very bad in Palestine, so they went fishing instead." UNDAUNTED. An American and a Scotsman were speaking about the intense cold in the North of Scotland. "Why, it's nothiag at all compared to the cold wave we have in the States," said the American. "I can recollect one winter where a sheep, jumping from, a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen on the way, and stuck in the air like a mass of ice." .'',■■.-■' ■ ' "But, good ' heavens, man," exclaimed the Scotsman, "the law of gravity wouldn't allow that!" "We don't do things by halves at home," replied the tale pitcher, "the law of gravity was frozen too!" - HIS PROOF, A miner was charged on suspicion of having set fire to a Targe hayrick, and the defence set up was that he was not altogether responsible for his actions. One of the witnesses, a typical pitman, maintained that the suspected one was "wrang in bis heid." ' "Can you mention any occasion on which the prisoner behaved in a manner to warrant that statement?" asked the solicitor for the prosecution. "Yes,'* answered the witness. "Aw mind when he once got 'arf a crown ower much for his pay." "And " the solicitor interposed, as the witness hesitated. "He took it back to the manager," was the conclusion of the reply which convulsed the Court. A PRESENT FOR THE -CURATE. The, curate had just arrived. He was young, good-looking, and single, and consequently very popular with the ladies of the parish, whose appreciation took the usual form of worked slippers. Recently the following episode occurred:— Fair Caller : "You see, I wanted to work Mr Chasuble a pair of slippers, and I thought you might lend me one of his old shoes to get the 'size/ Curate's Landlady: "Law, miss, the shoes •' is all a-given out four days ago! And it was only yesterday morning a lady, as had heer'ed his shoes was all bespoke, came here aploring of me to let her measure the wet footmarks in the reverend gentleman's bathroom immediately he had gone out!" WHY THE KISS WAS OMITTED. George had been away on business for a whole long week, and during that time he had sent Clara ten letters, , six letter cards, and 42 picture postcards. Why, then, was there a touch of coldness in her greeting when he flew to her arms on his return? "Dearest," he whispered, "what is the matter?" "0 George," she said, "you didn't send a kiss in your ninth letter." "My precious," he replied, "that night I had steak and onions for dinner, and you wouldn't have liked a kiss after onions, would you?" And, such is the unfathomable power of love, she was satisfied, and nestled to him. PA'S PRIZE. A widower, while away from home on a business trip, met and married a lady who, though famed for her good-

ness of hearty would be spoken of, even by her friends, as "plain." . The man believed she would be a kind mother / to. his two children, however, and, as she was also possessed of a fair amount of this world's goods, was not inclined to expect the beauty of the peach in a tomato. After his i marriage, he telegraphed to the eldest 'of his children, a girl'of fifteen: "Have won a prize. Am married. Will be home to-morrow." When the bride and bridegroom arrived, the children were watching at i the door, and the sight of their future mother made them gasp a little. The second child, a boy, nudged his sister, and whispered: . "I say, Nell, that must'have been the consolation prize that pa got." A DOUBLE LESSON. Private Tommy Atkins was considered the smartest man on parade that morning, so he was told to report himself at the commanding officer's quarters at ten a.m. sharp; dress, belt and bayonet, and his stick. Prompt to trine, Tommy turned up, and, thinkin.g to be smart, knocked with his stick. The commanding officer, who was just having his breakfast-, startled by the sudden "rap/rap," thundered forth: "Come in." Tommy (entering and saluting): Commanding officer's orderly for the day, sir." • • Commanding. Officer : "Don't you know how to report yourself to a commanding officer " ' Tommy (nervously): "No, sir." Commanding Officer : "Then I will i show you. Just consider you are the commanding officer for the time, and nim y°ur orderly. Just sit here." LhQ commanding officer then retired, closing the door, and Tommy, creeping up behind, turned the key then deposited himself in the chair and commenced eating the unfinished breakfast. Then a knock sounded at tile door. '■ X' ■ Tommy,: "Who's there?" Commanding v Officer : "The commanding officer's orderly for the day, sir. I

Tommy: "Oh, just stay there until 1 have finished my breakfast."