MR DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR.

Marlborough Express, Volume XXXIV, Issue 295, 16 December 1899, Page 1 (Supplement)

MR DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR.

ON DIPLOMACY.

'I'll explain it to ye,' said Mr Dooley. ' 'Tis this way. Ye Bee, this here Sagasta is a boonoo steerer like Canada Bill, an' th' likes iv him. A smart man is this Sagasta, an* wan that can put a orimp m th' ca-ards that ye cudden't take out with a washerwoman's wringer. He's been through many a ha-ard game. Talk about th' County Dimooracy picnic, whore a three-oa-ard man goes m debt ivry time he hurls th' broads, 'tis nawthin' to what this here Spanish onion has been again an' beat. F'r years an' years he's played only professionals. Th 1 la-ads he's tackled have more marked ca-ards m their pockets thin a preaober fr'm Mitchigan an' more bad money thin ye cud shake out iv th' coat-tail pockets iv a prosperous banker fr'm In jiannv. He's been up again Gladstun an Bisma-arok an' ol' what-ye-call-'im, the Eyetalion, — his name's got away from me, — an' he's done thim all. 'Well, business is bad. No wan 1 will play with him. No moneys

) cousin' m. Th' oircus has moved on to th* nex' town, an' left him without a oustomer. Th' Jew man that loaned him tb' bank-roll threatens to seize the ca-ards '-tin th' tible. Whin, lo an' 'behold, down th' stbreet comes a ma an fr'm th' couufchry— a lawyer fr'm Ohio, with a grip-sack m his hand. Oh, but be's a proud man. He's been m town bng enough f'r to get out iv th' way iv' tb.' throlley oaar whin th' bell riugs. He's lamed not to tliry an' light his seegarr at th' ilicthric light. He doesn't offer to pay th' ilivator ma-an f'r carryin' him upstairs. He's got so he oan pass a tall buildin' without ■ thryin' f'r to turn a back summersault. An' he's as haughty about it as a new man on an ice-wagon. They'ge nawthin' ye can tell him. He thinks iv himself goin' back to Canton with a r-red necktie on, an* settin' on a oracker box an' tellin' th' lads wbat a hot time he's had, an' how be's seen th' hootchy-kootchy an* th' PammerHous'e barber shop, an' the' other ondaoint sights iv a grreat oity. 1 An' so he comes up to where Sagasta is kind iv throwin' th' ca-ards idly on th' top iv th' bar'l, an Sagaßta pipes him out iv th' oorner iv his eye, an' says to himself : " Oh, I dinnaw," an' thanks hiven f'r th 1 law that has a sucker bor-xn ivry minyit. An' th' la-ad fr'm Canton thinks he can pick out th' Jack, an' sometimes he oan an* sometimes he can't ; but th' end iv it is th' Spanyard has him thrimmed down to his chest proteotor, an' he'll be goin' back to Canton m a blanket. Ye see it ain't his game. If it was pitohin' hor-rse shoes, 'twud be diff rent. He cud bate Sagasta at that. He could do him at rasslin' or ohasin' th' greased pig, or m a wan-legged race

or th' tug-iv-war. He oiid make him look foolish at liftin' a kag iv beer or hitohin' up a team. But, whin it comes to di-plomaoy, th' Spanyard has him again th' rail, an' counts on him till his ar-rm is sore. 1 ' Why don't he tur-rn m an 1 fight?' demanded the patriotic Mr Hennessy. 'Lord knows,' said Mr Dooley. ' Mebbe 'twill tur-rn out th' way it did with two frinds iv mine. They was Joe Larkin an' a little r-red headed man be th' name iv O'Brien, an' they wint out to th' pioanic at Ogden's grove, where wanst a year Ireland's freed. They was a shell ma-an wurrukin' near th' fence, an' Darkin says, says he: "He's aisy. Lave me have some money, an' we'll do him. I can see th' pea go undher th' shell ivry time." So O'Brien bein' a hot spoort loaned him th' money, an' he wint at it. Ivry time Larkin cud see th' pea go undher th' shell as plain as day. Wanst or twiot th' shell ma'an was so careless that he left th' pea undher th 1 edge iv th' shell. But m five minyits all iv O'Brien's money was m th' bad ma-an's pockits, an' he was lookin' around f'r more foolish pathrites. It took O'Brien some time fir to decide what to do. Thin says he, " 'Twaa my money this fool blowed m." An' he made a dash f'r th' shell ma-an ; an' he not on'y got what he lost, but all th' r-rest iv th' capital besides. Ye see, that was his game. That was where he come m. An' he took th' money an' oarrid it over to a cor-rner iv th' gr-rounds where a la-ad had wan iv them matoheens where ye pay tin cints f '* th' privilege iv seem' how har-rd ye oan hit with a sledge-hammer, an' there he stayed till the polis come ar-round to dhrive people off th' gr-rounds.'