'LIFE'S' FUN AND FANCY.

Mataura Ensign, 28 December 1911, Page 7

'LIFE'S' FUN AND FANCY.

A PESSIMIST'S LAMENT. Where is the Grandma of long'ago, Cheery of voice, with hair oi snow Smoothly di-avvn from a brow serene, Of portly figure and kindly mien, RocKing placidly to and fro, Knitting stockings tor Jay and Jo" Where is the Orandnia we used to j know ? 0 for the "goodies" she used otmake! Golden crullers and pics and ca_e, Sweetmeats and pickles a::d home-made (What doesn't she do to-day, instead!) Biscuits light as the snowy flake, _ 0, for the "goodies" she used to make: Where are'the "goodies" she used to make? 1 peer through the window, Ha! who is that, Striding along in a picture hat, Straight and slender, with step so free. Tailored and curled to the last degree i Her Cuban heels go rat-tat-tat, Her pompadour suggests a rat ; I gaze and wonder. Now, who is that." Some youthful matron or maid? But nay: That is a Grandma of to-day. No making of dainties at home she knows To theatre, club and "bridge" she goes. And does she fritter her time away Knitting stockings for Jo and Jay? Not that you notice it much. Nay! Nay! "0, where does the dear old Grandma *w hide? |Wv heart is hungry for her," I cried. * »n town and country, o'er land and sea, I've sought for this curiosity. Vainly I looked, both far and wide, W'here'er a gray-haired dame might bide; "There are no Grandmas left," 1 sighed. Buying a Bugle. "Mr Hoffenstein," said Herman as he folded up a pair of trousers and placed them on a pile, "if you don't haf any objections, I would like to get from the store avay von efening and go mit the soldiers to the Spanish fort." "Veil, Herman, I dinks you had better keep away from de soldiers," replied Hoffenstein, "und stay mit de -tore, because, you know, you don't can't put any dependence mit de soldiers. I vill tell you vhy. "Von day vile I vars in Vicksburg, during de var, a cocli-cyed soldier came into my store mit u\\ oit bugle in his hand, und he looks asoand. 1 asks him vat he wants, und he buys a couple of undershirts ; den he tells me to keep his bundle and de bugle behind de counter until he comes back. After de soldier vent de store out, &oine more come in und valk around, vne dey look at de goods. " Shentlemen/ 1 says, 'do you vant anyding ?' " 'Ve are shoost looking to see vot you haf,' said one ul uein; and afder a i rile anodder says: iiui, shoost look L dere at de bugle ; dc very ding the capAtain told us to get. lou know we don't Hhaf any bugle in de company for dree How much you ask for dot Hk"l tells dem dot 1 can't sell the bugle MBcause it«_feelongs to a mon vot shust give you fifty dollars for it,' says the soldier, pulling his money out. "I dells dem dot 1 don't care to sell, because it vasn't mine. " 'I vill.give you a hundred dollars,' he says. "Den he offers me von hundred and twenty-five dollars. My g-r-r-acious, Herman, I vants to sell de bugle so * bad dot I vistles! De soldier tells me rile dey was leaving the store if I buy de bugle from de man vot owns it, dey yill gif me von hundred and twenty-five dollars for it. I dell dem I vill do it. I sees a chance, you know, Herman, to make some money by de oberation. "Ven de cock-eyed soldied comes in be says: •"'Git me my "bundle and bugle; I got to go to camp.' "I says, 'My frient, don't you vant to sell your bugle?' He dell me 'no'; und I says: "My little boy, Leopold, vot plays in de store, sees de bugle, und he goes aroundt crying shust as loud as he can, because he don't can't get it. Six dimes I takes him in do yard and vips him, und he comes right back and cries for de bugle. It shows, you know, howmuch droble a man haf mit a family. I vill giv you ten dollars for it shust to please Leopold. "De soldier- vont take it, und at last I offers him fifty dollars, und he says: " 'Veil, I vill take fifty, because I can't vaste any more time; I haf to go fto de camp. 1 "Afder he goes away, I goes to de door and watches for de soldiers vot rant de bugle, und I says: " 'My friends, I haf got de bugle'; und dey says: " 'Veil, vy don't you blow it?" ' "Herman, I dink you had better stay mit de store." 6Juitice. Hoss of Tin Can was accused <_f stealing a mule, but a Tin Can jury brought him in "Not guilty.' This disgusted the spectators and the judge, and the judge, voicing the genera? opinion, said: "Gentlemen of the jurv you have erred grievously. Go back, reconsider the evidence, and see if you cannot give us a verdict in accordance jwith right and justice." Crestfallen, the jury retired a second time. They were out about ten minutes. On their return the judge said: "And now, gentlemen, your verdict is?" "Guilty," said the foreman. A sigh of relief went up from the crowded court, and the judge remarked: 'Correct! We hanged him two hours ago." "You are charged," said a magistrate, "with falking back at an rfdrer. Have you anything to say?" "Dayvil a word your Honor," replied the culprit. "Gi've said +bo much alreddy!" —'N.Y. Life.'