Flotsam and Jetsam.

Mataura Ensign, Issue 17, 3 May 1895, Page 7

Flotsam and Jetsam.

A SHOBT STOItY. Chap. I. Lonely maid on on the beach. Chap. IE. Carried far beyond her reach. Chap. 111. Shark attracted by the sound. Finis. Saves the maid from being drowned. HOW TO EXPRESS IT, 1 I'm bo sorry supper isn't ready,' said Mrs. Dinsomoreto her husband, when he came in. ' I attended the meeting of the sewing circle this afternooD, and I couldn't get away.' 1 Hemmed in, were you ?' asked her husband. FELT SAFE. Sunday f chool teacher (to little girls.) —'Do you say your prayers every night before going to bed V Little girl (promptly).—' No, ma'am.' Sunday school teacher — ' Are you not afraid to go to sleep without; asking God fa watch over you during the darkness V Little v.girl — ' No, ma'am, I'm not afraid, 'cause I sleep in the middle.' A NARROW ESCAPE. Wife (who has just returned from the dentist's) : ' I shall be awfully stupid, now.' Husband : ' Why bo, my dear V Wife : ' I hare had all my wisdom teeth pulled out.' Huaband (with the best intentions in the world) : *Of course, my love, you know it is nothing but a superstition the idea thai wisdom teeth have anything to do with wisdom. If you were to have every tooth in your head drawn, it couldn't make you any stupider, you know. 1 He succeeded in smoothing the matter over, but it was a narrow escape. TO SEE YOUR OWN EYE. I Did you ever Bee your own eye ?' asked an unscientific person. 'It is a very simple matter. The most satisfactory view is obtained by shutting, say, the left eye, and pressing gently upon the right side of the right eye. You will then see, apparently at the right vide of the nose, a round dark object about the size of the apple of the eye. That is what I take it to be, and 1 suppose the retina is made in some way to reflect the outer portion of the eye, though the phenomenon may be only an optical illusion.' ON THE PIAZZA. A group of matrons seated on the piazz* of a popular summer resort were, discussing the pearly teeth of a wellknown ac'ress, and branched off to discussing the molars and bicuspids of their friends. 4 Will you believe it,' remarked one well-preserved personage, with a hyphenated name, displaying an admirable development of some width and whiteueae, ' that my wisdom teeth have not yet grown?' A second of dead silence ensued. It was broken by a male voice from the outer edge of the circle : ' Some century plants never bloom.' The identity of the commentator remains undisclosed. A USEFUL DOG. Re'iring President Scott, at a meeting of the Cold Spring Business Men's Association the other nigbt, told a funny story about ministers who preach long sermons. A stranger occupied the pulpit of one of them one Sunday, and at the close of an unusually brief discourse made his apologies to one of the vestrymen. I 1 hope you will excuse my brevity this morning,' said the crestfalleu clergyman. ' No excuse necessary,' was the cheerful reply. ' Your sermon was delightful.' 1 Well,' said the reverend gentleman, 1 I'm gbd to hear you say so, but to tell the truth I never preached under greater difficulties. When I started I was horrified to find that my dog had got hold of my MS., and chewed most of it beyond recognition.' ' la that so V queried the astonished vestryman. ' Well, your sermon was excellent and I can only say that you will confer a great favor en this parish by sending us one of those pups.' IN THE INDUSTRIES. The old colored uncle applied to the druggist for some whisky, not because he needed it, but because he wanted it. •We can't let you have it, uocle, except for medical or mechanical purposes. You nre not sick, are you V It was a powerful temptation, but the old man overcame it. ♦ No, sab/ be said weakly. 1 And you don't need h for mechanical purposes V 1 What's dem, sah V 'Oh, well, for manufacturing and other Industries.' ♦ Dat'fl it, sab. ; dats it,' exclaimed the old fellow with a brightening face. 1 Db boas done tol' me I had to be mo' induscbius or he want gwintec hab me 'roun' no longer, s\b, an' I spec' you better lemme hab a leetle liquor, to kinder lub'icate my j'ints. 'Bout er teaspoonful,J sab, to each j'int'll do fer to-day, sah.'