WIT AND HUMOUR.

Mataura Ensign, Volume 15, Issue 1156, 5 February 1892, Page 5

WIT AND HUMOUR.

There is one thing a woman can never do —she can't make a man tell her where he has heen. The following sentence is grammatical :— 'That that " that " that that man referred to is not that " that " that I spoke off.' A consumptive, when out walking, was accosted: — 'Ah, my friend, you walk slow.' ' Yob,' he replied, * but I am going fast.' Waiter (gorgeously attired, to young lady at ball) — ' May I have ze pliseer to — ' Young lady — ' Well, really, sir, my card is about full and — ' Waiter — 'To bring ze cup of ze coffee ?' Young lady (discovering his identity) — •' Certainly, -stupid.' Henry VIII. after tue death of Jane Seymour bad some difficulty in getting another wife. His first offer was to the Duchess Dowager of Milan ; but her answer is said to have been — " I have only one head jif I had two, one should certainly be at your service.' He — 'I must break off my engagement, Violet.' She—' Why should you do that ? He—' Well, your father has failed. How oan he support a son-in-law in the style in whioh I have lived ? ' She—' Why, you goose, he failed on purpose to meet the extra expense.' Only a coatOnly a hair — Only a wife Findeth it there. Only a broom — Only a whaokOnly a man ■*• it With a broken back ! v * ** i"Mother, I can never win the medal for good conduct/ exclaimed a hoy, just in from school; 'I've tried and tried, but some other pupil aiways gets it.' ' But you must keep on trying,' said his mother, encouragingly. • It's no use,' replied the boy. I shan't try any more. It's a olean waste of goodness.' A shoemaker received a note from a lady, to whom he was particularly attached, requesting him to make her a pair of shoes, and not knowing exactly the style she required, he despatched a written missive to her 'whether she would like them Wround or Esq. Toad.' The fair one, indignant at this dreadful speoimen of orthography, replied, " Kneether.' The Duke of Nivernais wim i-itim&tely acquainted with the Countesß of Roohfort, and never for a single evening misged going to see her. Ab she was a widow, and he a widower, one of her friends observed to him that it -would be more convenient for him to marry the lady. ./• I have often thought so,' replied the Duke, "but one thing prevents me: where oould I then pass my eveinngs ? ' Two Irish labourers being preßsnt at the f execution of a number of malefactors at the scaffold before Newgate, 'Pray now,' said one of them to the other, ' pray, now, Pat, ifi there any difference between being hanged on this new drop here and hung in chains ? * ' Wby, no,' replied he, 'no great difference j only on one you hang about an hour, and on the other you hang all the days of your life.' 1 You must be vory fond of me,' she murmured. ' What makeß you think so ? ' he asked, in tones of tenderness. ,--•*. Beoause you have known me only a week, and yet mj little brother says that he hae seen you hang, ing about our house every day since we be came acquainted. Such ardour, lam afraid, will not last.' ' Shall I tell you why I bav< been hanging about your house during th< week ? ' be asked, as he pressed the tin] hand which nestlod so lovingly and so confidently in his own. * Tell me.' •I am trying to get acquainted with the dog.'