AN EYE FOR EVERYTHING.

Mataura Ensign, Volume 11, Issue 833, 14 December 1888, Page 7

AN EYE FOR EVERYTHING.

Br Cyclops. A BBPOBT of a baod contest must be a tough job to undertake, and, to indulge in a mild and inoffensive pun, I ehottldiay that the man who undertakW it ought to be prepared to become a subject for an undertaker. I am judging by a. report recently published •f the contest at Queenstown. Here aft a few extracts: "Andante cantabile.—The ioloisfc played his part Hk« clockwork— -without the smallest rtgard for the poetic sentiment of the melody, and" the accompaniment was oat of tuat." So much for that soloist. Then lower • down l I see:, * eS«llen-tando*-—A few bars from the end the - DOrns .. got out, and the cornets inverted the shake." That must have . been rather serious. Fancy an inverted shake "with the horns outt Very painful surely. In another place it is stated that "the E flat clarionet was occasionally faulty in the triplets." Now really it was too bad to poke fun at the poor fellow about this. Twins are not always perfect, and every allowance ought to bo made in the case of triplets. If I were the parent of of those triplets I would lay my olarionat over the reporter's shoulders until he was In a condition to doubt whether he was sot flatter than the E flat clarionet. Still my sympathies are a ■ good deal with the reporter. . Some criticism is expected in & case like this, and the scribe who has been in the habit of apportioning a limited number of flattering adjectives amongst lingers at local concerts must naturally feel a little at sea. T'HBka are' many ways of making tacker, : and I .must say fhat for choice 1 would not take to the profession, or ealliag, or whatever you like to call it, of .. a, i parachutist. It would be too exciting for me. The plan is to go up io!, A balloon to a height of some 5000 or. 6(300. feet and then shut yoar eyes, {rat your faith in your parachute and et: go, ■:. It seems that for some dis > tenet, say a couple of thousand feat, you coma down like a stone, your fiarachute failing to get up sufficient "interest in the proceedings to spread itself out. This munt be rather an • KDxious/ time,' although the reporters, who. are, firmly fixed on mother earth be it noted, say that there is no danger at all so long as the chutist keeps his ;!8&d£;-: Njßferiaaving tried to keep my head whilst dropping like a stone for several tnonsand feet through the air 'J^il/j^ajre the reporter's wor)dj jfbr ,it fchat it can be done, but if I had my way I should like my paracbuts jbo , start .business* right away and let me down easy, from the very top. .And . after all what do you do? You simply come down more or less of a kerwollop. If the chute does not come tip to the scratch in time you make ; a nksty mess on the ground and your friends can with difficulty collect 'enough of you to make a good funeral of, and even if the umbrella behaves liandsbmely there is always the prospect of r being landed on the top of a tree or in the middle of a river. I doubt if chuting will become a popular game just yet awhile. Aftp speaking of games and reporters reminds me that a Dunedin scribe played the game very low down with an Invercargill mate the other day. The, inhabitants of this city of magnificent spaces had prepared a wily scheme for putting the Ministerial party in a good humor. They arranged to play a friendly game of bowls with the Ministers and members, and the instructions were to make the game as close as possible, but just to lose it at the last. It so happened that tbje August visitors played such, an awfully rotten game that the local champions ©cold not keep behind them, and the only thing to do was to smooth the do. feet over in the paper. The reporter of tbe ' Times ' was equal to the occasion, and after picturing the intense excite* ment of the onlookers and the agonising closeness of the play he wound up bj making the match a tie. This re* port promised to go down very well, but 'there was a traitor in the camp, The small minded representative of the Dunedin 'Times/ who was travelling with the party; knocked the bottom out of the whole concern by telegraphing to' his paper that the Parr Hamentary team was easily defeated and that the whole game was ' faked.' Thus ended the attempt of the lovercargillifcea to bowl the Ministers and members into a melting mood. It is a mistake to suppose tbafe the Australasian colonies have a monopoly of -Parliamentary 'soenes 1 brought about by the use of powerful and un- : parliamentary language. They may perhaps be a trifle advanced in New South Wales where I think one of the largest rooms off the chamber has been .fitted up as a ring and furnished with boxing gloves of varying degrees of thickcefs, -together wi h bottles, epohg(», sticking plaster, and all necessary concomitants of a resort to arms; but no provision is made in most Australian parliamentary bu'lcl- ' ing's ! for the settlement of disputes vi et arviis on the spot. In the British 1 Houfte of Commons there are Home grand old rows occasionally, but the reporters over there don't take any notice of them unless some big mon aro involved in. the scrimmage. Now, however, France is going to endanger her re; utation as the nation of polite f ilk. A member of the Chamber of D puties called another *an ass ' the Ot f ier day, and the President, after some detfher-t&ion, carae to the very natural © »nolusi:>n that, the word was 'rud*,' and ruled to tint effect. In the meantime the man whs had been called an ass had also pursued a not unnatural e>urse— he had walked across the flaor and bit the other man in the eye. Hoan-var, like most Frenob. troubles, everything ended happily. There was the usual duel in which nobody was hurt, honor waa satisfied, there were jipologieg, explanations, embrace

kisses,' and now they are all y ready for a fresh start. Steady — wh-o-a Emms— take a pull at her head. This Exhibition horse will be running away with the projectors soon if some of us don't look after them. A correspondent of a Dunedin paper suggested the other day that all visitors from outside the colony should bo provided with free "passes over the railways whilst the Exhibition is on, and the suggestion was favorably com • men&ed on in a leading article, Still I don't suppose there need be much alarm felt about this. It is rather! serious, however; when the Sbol-headed . Mr Twopeny suggests that the Go- , vernors and Premiers of the Australasian colonies be invited to spend a few weeks in New Zealand, and that on a sort of triumphal progress through the country their hotel bills be paid by local committees, It would be well to think over that a bit. Has Mr Twopeny forgotten that eloquent speech of Professor Black's made at a farewell banquet to Mr Larnach 1 Did not the Professor graphically describe the Minister for Mines entering bo heartily into companionship with the miners as to join festively during the wee sma' hours ayont the twal in jovial chorus ei of the •' For he's a jolly good fellow " stamp 1 Now a collection of Ministers of the Crown of Mr LamachV social qualifications would make glorious company no doubt, but I am inclined to think that their hotel bills would be particularly fine and large— fioer and larger in f*cc than local committees as a rule would approve of. Before anything rash is determined on in this direction it would be as well to get an idea of the convivial tendencies of the distinguished visitors whose hotel bills it is suggested should be locally defrayed. The country people aro not in a position to bt it men y fresh burdens.