Wit and Humour.

Mataura Ensign, Volume 11, Issue 821, 2 November 1888, Page 7

Wit and Humour.

The man who rang the bell to give ati alarm of fire when there was none tolled a lie.' •»!.-' When a Bhip " lays to," it is because she is egga-hausfced. •, , ... " „.,..• <<.; „;.. „<,» The best thing to do tfheh you catoh acotd is to let go of it. Ampler grounds, for complaint-r- finding, the grounds of your coffee to consist of* nothing but chicory. ' •''•.'..;' sr When a clergyman remarked' that there* would be a nave in the new church/the So> ciety was building, an old lady whispered tha,fc she " knew Che party to wliom he referred |V Edmund Burke, one evenings in snuffing the candle, was awakened • enough . to snuff it out;. ' " Ah,"., said he, "I fall under the Beninence of Horace — c Breois, esse labors, obs&uribs ■fioJ* • ■ • '; v " Do you believe there is any stioh thing as luck ?" asked a young man of an bid bachelor. " I do. I've had .proof .of it." "In what way?", ." I was refused by. five girla when I was a young man." . » ■•;,•' r " Please ma'am can ; you help a pdor man who is put of. work ?". " I. daresay I oan find something for you to do." . ."Thanks. Ify«a could give me. some .crashing to do, I'll take it home to my, wife." " ' .n' . You may hide your thoughts, conceal your mind and .disguise your'ac'ions, bnt the smell of a raw onion will rise mats might and inform a sneering world howyou hive gathered it to your inner man. •• . . -. : There is one streak of consolation in marrying a girl with a squint. • You never need td fear her daring you to look her square in the face when you are .explaining how it happens that you are late from your club. -. c ,;> Mother, making up, the list i-rr" l don't know, olara, about inviting young Mr De Hobson. Hisroputationis'farfromspotleiis.Jf Daughter :— "" But his gloves "are spotless^ mamma, and he dances beautifully." '" ' : Afiss Clara—" I made suoh a stupid bluhdeie to-day, ; ; Ethel." Miss Ethel — " ?£ Miss Clara — "Yes; I went' into a drug-stora and told' the gentleman behind the counter that I wanted -a good sponge bath j I meant, of .course a good ba.th sponge. It was very" annoying." . *!.. . ,- . ■. ■ ..jdki The Rev. Ozias Linley -racords hovr some* one expressed surprise that Sheridan, a ptoi prietor of Drury Lane, should have been seen taking tea and muffins in a coffee : houße wh|)S the theatre was in fUmeo. " Ani whynflb?," asked Sheridan; ",is it not allowable to tioaa't a muffin at one's own fire ?'* „ ,,; i O Over an inn- in Ireland himg ; a sign, entitled the " Four Alls.'' ■ It represented a kingoritfi his robes and sceptre, a,.}>Jßhop .vith his mitre, a warrior with his. swords . aad a poor man kneeling in his rags. The. king is say ing^f*Jl rule ail ;" the soldier says, " i.fight f,qr aUjj the bishop says, "I pray, for all ';" and the poor man says, " Atf I pat/ for all.'', „ . , „ Friend (to candidate)^-' Did you see tout 1 picture in thismorning's jfajKrP" ' CandfdatS (horrified) — "What? that thiri& 'ine ? ']Wsj\ I cut it out and seat it totheoomic weekly & • the missing Jink.' Heavens • ! and "e&Wtt! Why didnt I stop to read that 'printed' mi& ter?" ■ .... ■.•■j.f:.-i : . -.-vi • Scene, 1 Crystal Palace.- Yankee vmtori addressing a polioomtm on duty**4f Ifealoulate, stranger, that if they^.k.Qep, y,yu mmfr longer under this glass roof you'll .be in a fair way of sprouting.' Bobby, Tfespdndingjy^" No fear of that, guvnor ,• they ,don*t keep jne moist enough !" -«;.•■- - ••