Bennies Essay on Old Maids.

Mataura Ensign, Volume 9, Issue 640, 4 February 1887, Page 2

Bennies Essay on Old Maids.

Old maids is curious folks. Ma's sister, Aunt Hannah, is aa old mad, and pußtz ma. would iiave bet-n one two tor all of him, if he hadn't been so blessed green when he was young. I heard pa f<4l Uncle Dan bo ono day after ma had heeu bit-wing p* up *cau.<»he wouldn't take her over to a picnic, and Uncle Dan looked sad and setl he knowed how it was himself. But Aunt Hannah in the worst old maid I ever did see. She's visitin' at our house now, and I'm afraid she'll stay all summer. Pa eez he'd be perfectly happy if Borne old bald-headed bachelor came aloog and marry Aunt Hannah, and t;<ke her off his hands. And I guess it woul'i make her perfectly happy two, 'cause she wants to get married orful ; she's after old Daddie Platt like everything. He's nearly ninety years old and stays in bed most of the time ; he's orful cross, and he don't know much —got softnin' of the hrain or something ; but Aunt Hannah don't miua that. Sued marry Methuselah if he was livm', and be mighty glad to get him. The last time Aunt Hannah went to call on Daddie Platt, 1 went along, 'cause I wanted to see the way she cuuited him. We went in the afternoon, when hiß folks let him sit up a while. Aunt Hannah took a Beat v p olose to him, and begun to holler at him. Folks have to yell at Daddie Plate 'cause he can't hear very well, and when he does hear he don't understand more than half of what is aaid. Well, Aunt Hannah poked her false teeth into Daddie Platt's ear, and yelled loud enough to wake the dead : " How do you to-day, dear Mr. Platt? But I need not ask, for I never saw you lookin' bo well." 14 Yeß, yes," said Daddie Platt, " it's over 40 feeG deep, I dug it myself in ten years ago. It's a crakin' good well, a orakin' good well." "Oh, Mr. Platt," Bez Aunt Hannah, "I, do admire an old-fashioned well like yours. Is your well deep ?" "No " sez he, croßßer'n a bear, " No; we won't sell cheap. If John Henry thinks of sellin' the farm he's an ldjet, a blamed id jet! It'B a good farm, a cracidu' good farm." "Oh ! Mr. Platt," sez Aunt Hannah, sez she, "I hope your sou will never think of such a thing. It is such a lovely place, I know I Bhould never grow tired of livin' here." " No, we don't," spoke up Daddie Platt. "We don't give ttie lined man any beer, and what's more we ain't goin' to ; water's a good enough drink for him, water's a craukin' good drink." ••It is md eed," Bez Aunt Hannah. '' What should we do without water ? What a nice shower we had last evening. Did you see the lovely rainbow, Mr. Platt ?" "No, I hain't," sezDaddie Platt, mighty sharp. " I hain't Been nothin' of your lame beau, and what's more I don't want to. What do you come a whinin' to me about your lame beau, for I don't want to hear another word about your lame beau, and I won't. I want to go to bed. I'm tired, orackin' tired." That same evenin', after me and Aunt Hannah got home from oallin' on Daddie Platt, Mibß, Perkins, what keeps a milliner shop, come to our house to stay all night wich Aunt Hannah. Misa Perkins is an old mud, and she am t married any more than Aunt Hannah is, bnt she wants to be just as bad. They slept; in the room next mine, and they talked about four hours after they went to bed. The wall is so thin betwten my room and the one they slept in that I couldn't help hearin' every word they said. And such talk as them two old maid 1* talked, I never heard anything liko it. First Aunt Hannah told Mica Perkins how young Smith was cairying on with Parsun Bangs' wife, and then Miba Peikiua told Aunt Hannah a long yarn about the way the superintendent of the Sunday School noted with thac youug widder, at tbe picnic at Brighton, aud Uim Auno Hannah aud Miss Perkins both talked at onca lor half an hour, about what an old fool Mr. Brown wac to go and marry ugen bo eoou after hia first wife died. Then they talked a loug time about the Wilson girl's misfortune. I didn't understand what they meant very well, but they boon said that the Wilson gul ought to be ashamed of herself, aud that she needn't think she oould go anywhere agen, 'cause nobody wouldn't assoou.ee with her after what had happened. 1 thought that was rather fuuny, 'cause, whea pa broke his ncae last winter when he fell down the cellar, folks uaid it was a misfortune, and nobody told him that he ought to be ashamed of himseif, and as for goin' anywhere, pa went everywhere he wanted to, he went to the post office, and he went to church, and he went to the theatre, just the ajkine as he did before his nose got bruke. Miss Perkins stayed to breakfast next mornin', and while wo was eatin' I a«ked her what made folks bo down on the Wilson girl on account of her inisfortnnd. M;ss Perkins didn't say a word, but her face got onul reel and so did Aunt Hannah's. After breakfast I heard Aunt Hannah whiaptr to Miss Perkiua : ''I'm afraid, Maner, thai, tne little wietch overaeard every word we said, and lie's just mean enougu to go and repeat it, boi.her him." It madu me orful mad to have Aunt Hannah call me «* *• little wretch." She don't like me, A ant Hannah don't. She's been down on me ever since I put black ink into cue bottle that she keeps her " Bloom of Youth" in. How was Ito know that she would put it on her face and theu come into the parlor when we had company ? Ot course it made the company lati. Tney couldn't, help it. I iaffed a goou deal myself. Nobody but a ola maid would have got mad, and made a fuss about a little juke like that. Old uiaida numt got half aa much aeose as old batohelora have. Sometime I'll tell you what I know about, old uaiohelors, but I can't write any more now 'cause J Minnie Miller has come to get me to yo with bun alter bullfrogs,