HUMOUR.

Matamata Record, Volume XIII, Issue 1109, 27 March 1930, Page 3

HUMOUR.

Doctors ‘‘What is your profession?’ ' Patient (pompon-sly): “I'm a gentleman.** “Well, you'll have to ay something else.; it doesn’t scena to agree with you." An Aberdonian was giving advice to his son. “Laddie,” ho said, “be honest. Honesty’s the best policy. I've tried baith.” Father: “Why were you kept'in at school?'' Son; “I didn't know where the Tigris was. ” ‘‘ln future just remember where you put things. ’' The young man. “I've come to see you about your daughter.'* Girl’s father: “Too late —she eloped last night with a young fool who has no money.'' “You’re right about the money—but I’m no fool.’’ First Cook: “And yer mean to saj’ yer* kept yer larst job two months? Yer must 'ave liked it.” Second Cook: “We was a cruisin' all the time in a steam yacht, and 1 couldn’t swim.” ; Mummie entered the nursery. ‘“Good gracious!’’ she cried, “you're all very quiet. I thought you were going to, play trains." • “Yes, mummy, we are playing trains, but we’re on strike." .‘L. *- ! **- * •; . \ . '’V. •/ # ■ • Tommy : “Mummy, why is it that good stuff Jike mincc-pies and plum pudding make me ill, while bad stuff like medicine makes me well!" “That makes three, times you have cut- me,’’ exploded" the man in the barber’s' chair. “Where’s the head barber?’’ . ~ “He’s gone out to get a shave, sir, replied the barber soothingly. Sweet young thing (to friend). “Really good-looking boys are so scarce these days that I think I would be wise if I made mine do another year. ’ * The master was addressing the students on epidemics. Suddenly he Ponced on a slumbering youth on the bkck ; row. ~ .. “Now, Johnson," he said, name something that spreads." ■■ *<j] r — qx —jam, sirl" was the sleepy retort. Paul (aged six, in sweetshop): “Ho-vv many of those sweets do I get for a penny, please?” , - • Assistant: “Oh, six or seven. , “I’ll have seven, please! “You must give your husband five teasjobnsful of* thlS mixture every night before he goes to bed, ordere th The o< patient’s wife looked a little she' said. "I can’t, doctor. I’m afraid that’s quite impossible.’’ , The doctor frowned. “Impossible?” he asked. » ~ ophsei What on earth do you mean? “Well sir," explained the woman, •‘I don’t think we’ve got more than three teaspoons in the house.