WIT AND HUMOR

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 2230, 14 October 1898, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR

Tou can neve: tell a man'; weight by his sighs.

She: l'v ■ seen twenty-two summer He (the brute) : Since when'.'

''V\*ell, what do you think of her voice'.'" "Well, she has a. beautiful singing voice to talk with, hut a had talking voice to sing with."

Tic: "And won't you give me a kiss?'-' She: "Certainly not. I never kissed a man in my life." lie (emphatically) : "Neither have [."

Nervous Old Lady (to deal: hand) : Mr Steamboatman, is there any fear of danger V Deck Hand (caivtessh > : Plenty of fear, ma'am, but not a hit of danger.

Had a. Dim Idea.—"What was the cause." asked the superintendent, "of the Egyptian plagues?" "I guess they didn't boil the- water." ventured a little girl in the infant class.

"You should never take anything that doesn't agree with you." the physician told .him. "if I'd always folio Weil that rule, Marin." he remarked to his wife, "where would you be'.'"

Nellie: "1 know that 1 am not perfect. 1 realise that I have my faults." George: "Yes. that's so." Nellie, indignantly : "I have, eli? T would like to know what they are! Just name one!"

Daughter: ".Maw. I want you to stop bossing paw until after 1 get married." Mother: "Why, I should like to know?" Daughter: "Just as quick as I get a. little bit intimai" with a young man they begin to ask if I take after you."

"Laura." said Mrs Parvenu, on the 1 hotel piazza, to her daughter, "Laura, go and ask the leader of them orchestras to play that 'sympathy from Middlejohn' over again; it's such an awful favorite' of mine, and your father's. too."

"Want a beautiful specimen of inlaying!" exclaimed the guest. "Yes." replied Mr Newrich, as he put his hands behind him and tiptoed complacently ; "but that isn't anything. Tou ought to have seen the outlay it represents."

A minister was walking along a country road when he came upon an old woman laying by the roadside 1« an intoxicated condition. Tapping her on the- head with his stick, he asked. "Do you know where people go who drink?" "Ou. ay," said the woman, "viva- they can get guid whisky."

A Scotsman, hawing hired himself to a farmer, had a cheese set down before him that he might help himself. After waiting a long time for Sandy to finish his meal, the mister became impatient, and remarked, "Yon take a long time to breakfast?" "Ay. master," answered Sandy, "a cheese <>' this size is na s*ie soon eaten as ye may think."

Scene.— Railway Station—Old gent, having entered the platform in time to see his train moving off. Suddenly he made a rush for a carriage, and was warned to stand by. The guard by this time was about to enter his- van. when the old gent, made a rush at him, and. holding him hack, exclaimed. "If I'll no' be allowed to get with this train, I'll be hanged if you'll get."

An Old Highlander, rather fond of his glass, was ordered by the doctor during a temporary ailment not to exceed one ounce of spirits in the day. The old man was a little dubious about the amount, and asked his boy, who was at school, how much all ounce was. "An ounce is sixteen drams." explained the hid. ' "Sixteen drams!" ejaculated the delighted Highlander. "Gaw! No so bad. Sixteen drams: Hun and fell Tonal Mackintosh and Rig John to come d<>oa the niolu."

During our recent stay in Crete we found the cheese there very hud. One day oil" of our fellows was going across the square with o piece of cheese in his hand, which he was keeping as far from his face- as possible. A sergeant noticing him. asked why he carried his cheese at arm's length, and on being told that ir was on account of the disagreeable smell from it, replied: " Nonsense, man. there's nothing wrong with the cheese. I don't call cheese had myself until il turns round and asks you how yon would like to be eaten alive Yourself!"

A Chinese philosopher has been found in the kitchen of on-- of our Western college presidents who makes this dis Unction between the Orient and the Oc cident: "In China, the men boss the women: in America the women boss the men." "Do I 'boss' President Blank'" inquired Mine. President. *'No, you no "but he do what you say." AX AWKWARD BLVNDEK. When Longley, afterwards Archbishop of Canterbury, was headmaster of Harrow, o favorite game with many of the hoys was called ■Jack o' Lantern.*" but as the farmers complained of the damage don- to their crops, it had" to Ix; forbidden'. Some lads, nevertheless, used to slip out at nights and indulge in their pastime on the sly. They were wont to let themselves down by a rope, from the first floor window. One night the boys had forgotten to take hi the rope, and Longley (whose nickname, hyt he-bye. was "Jacob") happened to see It. He guessed its use at once, and, giving it a tug, was promptly hauled up. the lads within thinking the signal had proceeded from one of their number. The moment that th- la-admast-'r's face <(ppeared, however, it was evident a frightful blunder had occurred. "Jacob, by ,lo\<"" was the boys' exclamation. At the sane- instant the rope-puller let go his hold, and Longley was permitted to lake a lone, drop into the evergreens below. In the citenmstanoes he thought it wistr to say nothing about th- incidcr.t. IXCOMI'LKTK. "1 sent bnek that combination r<'lling r»ln, meat chopper, egg Ivn-ier, potato masher, cake cutter, churn, and l.iscuic cutter. Hridg- < didn't like it." "Why not'.'"' "\„ bicycle cam with it " "(T.ii aeo Ki ei ► , "d " t'tjk \\'!:"N>; static.v. Th Tramp Te>. ma'am. 1 am a firm S.Ve- in ill- LiMieaJ d.>ckmtti-.|, that ; heaven will pi'oviile. Lady whh Mo*, en H<-v Nop- W- 11. just pass along to th iv xt house Ut-av-n's provision train doesn't stop htP , e\et! when it is flagged. Till*. lILATHKN. I.itTl- John falter eastine, h - p-nny into the fund f« r the P-amahm lsI land- rs)- I wis,h I was a h.-titlv n! fsibbaih School Tvaelvr—Oh Johnny! Why (ii> you wi«h such an awful th : ■; as that? S.ittlr John -Th- heaths ,\,v.i\ nov r have to give nothin'- they ar- alv. nyi uettin" som» thin'.-"Harp r's P.aaar." OF (*•<"»f»D CAPACITY. A farmer in the north or Scotland en-

gaged a man for his farm, and, as he looked strong and willing, mutual admiration ensued. John hoi been but a couple of days at work when it cam- to his employer's ears that he was a. prodigious eater. Thinking to sham* him, the master got up before John yoked his horse for a three hour-' job. "As ye'U be a while awa'. John." remarked thfarmer, "I'm think'm" you should tak' your breakfast before ye si t not.' John did as la- was hidden. "VY'll sear'-ely be back in time for dormer. John, sa? ye'd bettor tak' it tae." John said naething. but smiled pleasantly, and finished his small beer, bread, and cold beef. "Toots," exclaimed the astonished employer, "dinna mak' twe bites »' a cherry-- just, tak' your supper when you're at it." ' Nothing loth, John set to. When through, la- sat down on a "klst" in the kitchen, and pulled out his pipe. Seeing litis the now enraged farmer said. "IP aboot time ye were' yoking noo." " Na, mi." was John's cool rejoindi r. "T never yok' after '. g- t my supper " THOSE BItUTES OF ITKNS. At a farm not a day'- journey from Perth, the mistress wondered why the bins' eggs were so scar-'e. She spoke about ii In the ma-tee. ond he suspe'deel old Willi ■. the cattleman, for stealing the-iii. One day he wuuod Willie goins info lie- stable, where In had no right so be, and where' the hens sometimes laid eggs. As Willie was corning can the master pr-'-tended to accidentally push him against iho door-post. "Led. man, Wullie. what's that clrinpin' frae yer pouch"" asked the master Willie put in his hand, and brought it out all yellow v ith eggs, "Eh, miehfy m.. maisb-r, thae bruits >•' hens lay a" ov.-v the Place."