Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1588, 6 May 1887, Page 3

Wit and Humour.

" So you have broken off with Mr Smith P" said Maud. " Well I could never make him out." " I found him a good bit of conundrum myself," replied Clara; so I gave him up." " A man said to me the other night," re* marked a clergyman. "' I would not have missed your sermon for 50 dollars,' and yet when the plate was passed round that man put in a penny." An irate female seeks admittance to the editor's sanctum. " But I tell you, madam," protests the clerk, " that the editor is too ill to talk to anyone to-day." " Never mind j you let me in. I'll do the talking." Boss—" What can I do for you ?" Applicant—"l can do the same work your present book-keeper does for twenty dollars a month cheaper." " Thank you." " Are you going to let me take his place ?" " Well, no; but I'll knock twenty dollars a month off his wages, thanks to your suggestion." A Hottentot chief, who was lately interviewed by a British officer, was shown a map of the world. He looked over it for a while, and then spat on it in disgust—and ordered a grand parade of his 480 spear-armed warriors to convince his visitor how easily he could overrun and conquer the whole earth if he wasn't too lazy about it. Luttrell (says Moore) once told of an Irishman who, having jumped into the water to save a man from drowning, upon receiving sixpence from the person as a reward for the service, looked first at the sixpence, then at him, and at last exclaimed, " By jabers, I'm over-paid for the job." Here is a literally .true school storyA few days ago a lady, who feels a great interest in her schools, and who takes a part in examining the boys, when endeavouriug to instil into their bucolic minus some facts as to heat and cold, snow and ice. She asked one of them, " What is hail?" The answer, given after much reflection, was, " Beer, my lady." Lunset Cox was interviewed the other day in New York, and when asked for a Turkisn story he said : " I have just received a fresh one by cable from the Golden Horn, and it goes : A Turk in Constantinople called upon his neighbour and wanted to borrow his jackass. ' I have sent the ass to Scutari, my friend,' laconically replied the fortunate owner of the long-eared animal. ' Even now that ass is climbing over the hill that brings him in view of that city. It he were here, of course I would lend him to you.' About this tune the ass brayed loud and long in his stall. The neighbour spoke up. ' All! there is your a«s braying now ; I tliought he was nearing Scutari ?' The owner haughtily replied : ' My friend, which do you believe is lying —the ass or myself ?' This is a prize specimen of the humour of the unspeakable Turk."

The late Judge Williams had once a clerk who, the judge found on gomg to chambers one morning, nad hanged himself behind the door. The alleged cause of the act was domestic infelicity. It happened that the clerk who succeeded the unfortunate man in his oilice asked leave to go out of town ou a matter of moment. "It is very inconvenient said the judge, " and, betides, you have beeu witu me but a few weeks, is your business in the country of so pressing a nature ?' '• Wny, yes, my lord," was tne reply, " I am going to be married." " Uh, then,' was tlie rejoinder, " ro by ail means j but mind, when you come back, don't hang yourself behind my door, because it is extremely unpleasant to home to chambers and find persons hang* ing behind one's duor."