Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1584, 8 April 1887, Page 3

Wit and Humour.

Pressed for time—mummies. The proper length for a lady's walking dress.—A little above two feet. When does a farmer bend his sheep without hurting them ?—When he folds them. Why is a newspaper like an army ?—Be* cause it has leaders, columns, and reviews. When is a punster most like an outlaw ? When he is robbing Hood (Robin Hood). What is the best time for sowing tares ? When you go round and collect jour rents. Why is a tradesman who keeps enlarging his stock like a reptile ?—He's an adder. Why is the earth like a school slate P—Because boys and girls multiply on the face of it. When is money damp ?—When it's duo (dew) in the morning and missed (mist) at night. Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow ?—Because he has suoh winning wavs. When is the best time to brew cider P When it is not very clear, as it will settle for itself. It is supposed that the reason Hymen is represented with a torch is to indicate that marriage throws light on those little imperfections which are not seen during the dayi of courtship. A Quaker was protesting against agitation, when a lady listener exclaimed, " What good in the world was ever done without agitationP We cannot even make butter without it!" Things are not exactly right. A careful political economist closely calculates that women in this country might annually save J63,000,000, in ribbons which men might spend in cigars. Times are pretty hard with some people. A deaf and dumb man went into an office the other day, and seizing a paper, wrote : " I am hungry." The clerk took the piece of paper, read the unhappy words, and scrawled under them, " tio am I." One of his supporters said a very smart thii'g at his first meeting. People said Mr. Henry George was a " crank " " Well," said the oratur,' what is a crault ?" It is a piece of machinery which effects many revolutions.' The audieuce, largely composed of working men, saw the point, and applauded vehemently. Little Herbert was standing by the nursery window watching the people who passed through the street, when two young fellows, about sixteen years old, with tall bats and oaues and swell appearance, came sauntering by. "O, mammacome and look!' oried Herbert. Aud •' tell me, ain't those two young men boys ?" Barnum, tlie showman, once notioed the little drummer in his orchestra not beating, and sung out to him to ' plav up.' I have a rest, sir.' ' Kest be hanged,' cried the showman. «Play up, play up; I don't pay you for resting.'

A selfiih California minister recently refused to perform a marriage service where Hie bride was his owu abacouuiag wife- Aud thaiaggra* vatiug woman said that he " was just as mean as he always used to be."

"I m afljafc, I'm afl >at!" sere med a young lady, with powerful lungs and fingers to match, as she. exercised boih at a p.mo. ''l should think you were," growled an old batohelor," j udgm from the squallyou raise.' 1 A man in Indiana, on returning home from a business journey recently, found that his wife, during his absence, bad rafflid all the iuruiture aud departed, and tue oheriff arrested iiitn for allowing gamoling on the premises.