Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1578, 25 February 1887, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

Kansas school teacher— 1 " Where does «U the grain go to?" "Into the hopper." "What hopper?" " Grasshopper I" triumphantly shouted a scholar. California has produced a 17 inoh onion* We hope this esculent will not become pop* ular. The man who eats a 2 ineh onion can now disperse a crowd without any trouble. " Did you hear about the burglar who ml arrested this morning ? " " No! what for V* " For breaking into song." "Is that so P " "Yes. He'd got through two bars when some one hit him with a stave. Overheard in a street car:—"l tried to kiss my wife at the front door to-night, as I was leaving home, and, do you know, she wouldn't let me. She said she didn't want the neighbours to be taking her for the hired g»l!" He—" Tell me, my sweet, are you superstitious ? " She —" What a funny question I Why do you want to know ? " He—" Answer me first." She—" Why, lam not in the least superstitious." He—" Then I don't mind telling you—you are my thirteenth sweetheart." " Tom, I gave you a very liberal allowance when I sent you to college ; nevertheless, I hear that you have had some trouble in meet* ing your bills." " Not the slightest in the world, father, I assure you. It has been all I can do to keep out of their way." First tramp—" I say, Bill, what is Com* munism ? " Becond Tramp—" I'll explain it to you. I have an empty bottle and yoa have three coppers. I let you hare the bottle ; you buy three peanor'tb of gin and put it into the bottle, and I drink it. That's Communism. See. Once when Mr Justice Byles was trying a prisoner for stealing, a medical witness wss called, who said that in his opinion the accused was suffering from kleptomania, " and your lordehip, of course, knows what that is." "yea," said Byles quietly, "it ifl what I have been sent here to cure." Brown—" Did you take any holidays this year, Jones?" Jones—"Yes, of course." Brown—" How did you manage your business while you were away?" Jones—"Oh, I just took my advertisement out of the papers until I returned, so there was no business to manage. Capital idea, wasn't it ? " At a Boston theatre, after the impressive performance of Booth's " Hamlet," attention was drawn to the effusive delight of a young lady who was thus trying apparently to ahwW her gratitude to the gentleman upon whose arm she was resting: " I've had a real good time, George," said she, "and it'a a reel good play; ii's so full of quotations." Buzzer—"l understand Jones is rather high toned since he returned from Barope." Fuzzer—" Well, he is a little stiff." Buzzer —" He has gone out of business, too, hasn't he ? " Fuzzer—" Yes, I believe he has retired." Buzser—" By the way ,where is he living?" Fuzzer—"Living f He isn't living. He's in the cemetery." "Will you dine with me to-morrow P" said a Hibernian to his friend. " Faith an* I will with pleasure." " Remember 'tis only a family dinner I'm asking ye to." *' And what for not ? A family dinner is a mighty pleasajt think. What have ye got? "Och, nothing by common. Jist an illagant piece of corned beef and potatoes." "By the powers, that beats the world. Just my own dinner to a hair—barring the beef."