Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1517, 29 January 1886, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

A chaplain was once preaching to a class of collegians about the formation of " Gentlemen," said he, " close your can against bad discourses." The studenta immediately clapped their hands to their can.

A man in Illinois committed auicida bj drowning Utely in six inches af water. Ho couldn't hare done it alone, but his wife, with that self-sacrificing devotion and help* fulness so characteristic of her sex. sat on hia head.

There are times in a man's life when th e whole sky seems rose-coloured, and this old, dull world paradise. One of these is when he bas discovered a quarter dollar in the lining of his last summer's vest,

Boileau used to say, that the beat epigram a originated in conversation, and of all hia own, he gave the preference to the following " Here lies my wife, and, Heaven knows, Not leas for mine than her repose."

An Irishman angling in the rain waa observed to keep his line under the arch of the bridge. On being aaked the reason, be gave the following answer: •• To be sure the fishes will be after crowding there to keep out of the wet.

Boswell on one occasion was praising the English highly, and saying Jthey were a fine open people. " Odd ," says Macpheraon, "an open people! their mouths indeed are open to gluttony, to fill their bellies; but I know of no other openneaa they hare." There ia a good story told of Bishop liaororie. He (the Bishop) waa aitting next a Yankee navy captain, who said to him, w Yon have in your province two rival Bishops, C— — and another fellow; to which of them do you incline ?" " I am the other fellow," said Maerorie.

There u an anecdote of an honeat Irishman whose mingled sense of the duty of grati-ude and the awkwarduess of obligation found vent in the characteristic aspiration, " Oh! that I could see your honor knocked down in a fight! Sure, and wouldn't I bring a taction to the rescue!"

In a storm at sea the chaplain asked one of the crew if he thought there was any danger. " Oh, yes," replied the sailor, "if it blowa aa hard as it does now, we shall all be in haven before twelve o'clock to-night." The chaplain terrified at the expression, exclaimed, "The Lord forbid!"

A lady, young, attractive, and just married went into the country accompanied by her husband. At a party one night the lunar eclipse waa alluded to—" Mrs H., did not sit up to see it ?" asked one. " No, I did not," was the reply; "Mr H. sat up. Where I came from they are such a bore—we have them ao often!"

Gondomar, the Spanish ambassador, called upon Lord Bacoa after his disgrace; and wishing to taunt him in his misfortunes, said, "My lord, I wish you a merry Easter." " And to you, senor," replied Lord Bacon," I wish a good patsoverreminding him of his Jewish descent, which was the most cutting retort that could be made to a Spaniard.

A police sergeant was boasting of the honesty that prevailed in his precincts. " Why," he said, you might hang your gold watch on a lamp-post in the evening, and find it still there in the morning." " You don't mean to say nobody would take the watoh P" exclaimed the listener. "No; I mean to say nobody would take the lamp-post," said the sergeant.

A half-famished fellow tells of a baker whose loaves had been growing smaller by degrees and beautifully less, who, when going on his round to serve his customers, stopped at the door of one of them and knocked* The lad/ within exclaimed—Who's there?" and was ans *ered—" The baker." " What do you want?" "To leave jour bread." " Wall you, needn't make such a fuss about it; pat it through the keyhole."

An insurance agent applied to a woman to induce tier to get her husband's life insured. " Will I be sure to get the money if he dice directly ?" " Certainty madame." " But will you give me any assurance that he'will die directly ?" No, madam, we cannot do that." '• Well then what good will it be to me to get his life injured if he doesn't die? I knew there was some catch about this insurance business."

Dr Dow, of Erroll, and Dr Doff, of Kil* spindle, ministers in the Carse of Gowrie, were both humorists, and often met- On a New Year's d»y Dr Do* sent to his friend, who was a great snuffer, a mull, inscribed j—- " Dr Dow to Dr Duff, s>>uffl snuff! snuffl" The allusion to this habit, Dr Duff resolved pithily to avenge, and knowing his friend's weakness for toddy, despatched to him a hot water jug, with the lines upon the lid s—Dr Duff to Dr Dow, fou! fou! fou!"

A good story relating to Lord Selbourne has been going the rounds of the Bar. A few days ago a favourite parrot of hit Lordship made its escape into a garden, and perokea itself on a high tree. Great was the consternation of the servants when they found that they could not induce the troant bird to return. At length the escape was mad* known to the Lord Chancellor, who at onoe went into the g*rden and placed himself io view of the parrot. Foil instantly alighted on his Lordship's shoulder, and looking him in the faoe, said in the gentlest tonei Let us pray i

810 BKBBIBS OK TOP. The vendor crying out hia wares, Has many trials, many cares j But 'mid them all he'll hourly itop To palce big atrawberriet on top. So through the world we sing our deeds, Spread forth the flo »era, and hide the weeds, Our voices to the bottom drop, Put fairest berries on the top,

The hawker knows what he'a about, He takes ua in, and leaves us out.

With berries that are not firat chop, With bluahing beauties on the top. —Boeton Budget.

On one occasion, at a breakfast given by th« Bishop of Oxford, Micauley told a story about one of the French prophets of the seventeenth century, who came into the Court of Queen'a Bench and announced that the Holy Ghost had sent him to command Lord Holt to enter a nolle prosequi. " If," said Lord Holt," the Holy Ghost had wanted a nolle protequi, he would have bid yon apply to the Attorney-General. The Holy Ghost knows that I cinnot enter a nolle protequi. But there is oue thing which i can do; I can lay a lying knave by the heels," and thereupon he committed him to prison.

" Fes, atranger," aaid a passenger from Texas, " I'm goin' down East on an important errand. Don't mind telling you that I'm going to be married. Tou can imagine how good natured and jolly I feel." " Yes, bat don't you feel a little anxiety, a little trepidation about taking such an important step in life P" " Nary a step stranger. " Have you ever been married before P" " No, bat I've been in one fight with Injuns, two scrimmagee with oowbovs, an' went through four oyoloim, I'm bo cWcW*