Varieties.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Volume I, Issue 19, 4 July 1863, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

Logic.— u I don't know what you mean by not being an Irishman," said a gentleman who was about hiring a boy, " when you were born in Ireland. " Och, your honour, if that's ail," said the boy, "small blame to that. Suppose your cat were to have kittens in the oven, would they be loaves of bread do you think ?" A Bankrupt's Assets.— The entire assets of a recent bankrupt were nine children. The creditors acted magnanimou?ly, and let him keep them. EPITAPH BY MOORE. Here lies John Shaw, Attorney at law; And when he died The devil cried " Give us your paw, John Shaw, Attorney at law."

How to Cook Garotters.—First catch them with a hook, if you can; if- not, net them, like herrings; but do not attempt to cure them, for they are incurable, but let them simmer for a short time in a stone jug, then place them in auother vessel—one with sails, and send them as near as possible to the demoniacal abode of his most gracious Majesty the King of Dahomey. They will find the climate uncomfortably warm, but they are the sort that a very hot place is intended for.- " The Criminal Cookery Book." *

Geographical Tables Turned.—lt has long been known that Russia makes one daily revolution about the Pole, but it only recently established that thejPole purposes making one continual revolution about Russia.

A story is told of a certain man and his wife who were almost continually quarreling. During their quarrels their only child, a boy, was generally present, and, of course, heard many of his father's expressions. One day, when the boy had been something wrong, the mother, intending to chastise him, called him, and said, " Come here, sir; what did you do that for ?" The boy, complacently folding his arms and imitating his father's manner, said, "See here, madam, I don't wish to have any words with you."

Value of the Newspaper.—Daniel Webster said, k ' Small is the sum that is required to patronise a newspaper, and amply repaid is its patron. I care not how humble and unpretending is the gazette which he takes. It is next to impossible to fill a sheet without putting into it something that is worth the subscription price. Every parent whose son is away from home at school should supply him with a newspaper. I well remember what a marked difference was between those who had access to newspapers and those who had not. Other things being equal, the first were always superior to the last in debate, composition, and general intelligence."

There are tie.s which should never be severed, as the ill-used wife said when she found her brute of a husband hanging in the hay-iof t. A man at Newcastle, who served four days on a jury, says he is so foil of law, that it is hard work for him to keep from cheating somebody. " The only way," says an old Irish peer, " a true gentleman will ever attempt to look at the faults of a pretty woman is to shut his eyes."

Not Lent.—A lady going to church on AshWednesday, finding her seat already occupied, requested the pew-opener to remember that, although it was Ash-Wednesday, the pew was not lent.

Memory —America supplies iwo remarkable cases: a man down cast who has a memory so long that he is obliged to tie it in a knot to carry it about with him ; and a man out west whose memory is so short that it only reaches to his knees, consequently he never pays for his boots. A French ex-Minister, one of the leaders of the Orleanist party, being asked by a lady for an exact definition ol the difference between the words accident and malheur, replied, " Suppose the Emperor were to fall into a pit, that would be an accident; suppose you were to help him out again, that would be a misfortune." Trading Parodies.—A silk dyer placed on his sign the following parody on Goldsmith's " When Lovely Woman Stoops to Folly :"

" When lovely woman tilts her saucer, And finds too late that tea will stain, "Whatever made a lady crosser ? What art can wash all white again ? The only art the stain to cover, To hide the spot from every eye, And wear an unsoiled dress ahove her Of proper color, is—to dye F

An Irishman says he can see no earthly reason why women should not be allowed to become medical men. A coarse ill-natured fellow died one day, and his friends assembled at his funeral, but no one had a good word to say about the deceased. Even at the grave all were silent. At length a good-hearted German, as he turned to go home, said, " Veil, he vas a good smoker." Typographical Mistake—A young aspirant for fame having a desire to see his name in print, sent his verses for publication. In the " pome" the following line occurred:— "A fragrant rose found near the pendant corn."

The compositor set it up thus—- " A vagrant's nose sounds like a pedlar's horn." Obesity.—A priest who was very large and fat, coming late in the evening to a city, and meeting with a countryman, asked him if he could get in at the gate. u I believe so," says the peasant, looking at him jocosely; u for I saw a waggon of hay go in there this morning."