A CORKER IN SONG.

Lyttelton Times, Volume CVI, Issue 12556, 18 July 1901, Page 3

A CORKER IN SONG.

CHRISTCHURCH VOCALISTS' UNION. THE IRREDUCIBLE MINIMUM. The establishment of a “corner” in song seems rather a dreadful possibility to contemplate. It suggests at once a traffic in kisses, a retailing of souls, speculative transactions in lovers’ vows, and a hundred other horrid mercenary traffickings in the field of idealism. Yet such a commercial combination, is, so far as Christ church os concerned, no longer in the realm of thin air; it has invaded the region of practical social politics, and now stands blushingly confessed, “ a thing enslded,” or, as ’Any, with a discerning appreciation of the mysteries of the idiom of the Moulin Rouge and a certain gastric rapture, described! his eaten breakfast, “un fait accompli.” Spawned in the darkness of conspiracy, the Associated Society for the Protection and PropeP Payment of Poor Musicians, Limited and Reduced, now springs fully-equipped before the public gaze, like Aphrodite from Old Ocean’s womb —except for the draperies of course. It has everything, from a raison d’etrb to a secretary, from a schedule to a committee, from a sliding scale to a platform. It dangles these appurtenances with something of the doubting turned-wormi-ness that patient merit of the unworthy takes, with something of an embryo insolence of office, and with something of the proud strength of monopoly morally stayed. The Secretary, the irreducible minimum, and the creative member are the three most prominent planks of this new professional platform. The first beginning and the last end of this trinity, grown characteristically modest, aspire not after publicity; the irreducible minimum stands rpck-fimly fixed at the sturdy effrontery of three guineas. Henceforth no member of this new association will warble for a lesser insult than sixty-three shillings, Soots. These members are covenanted under ‘ ah oath which no self-respecting linotype would dare to set,, not to accept less; nor to make any refund by way of discount, counter reward, rebate or remission ■of emolument. The provisions of tie Truck Act are to 'be strictly enforced, and' no baritone will be purchasable in terms of onions or suet, nor will the silvery city tenors liquidate at per barrel of oysters or be given away with pounds of ted. Sopranos are not to be caught with chaff nor coaxed with sugar, and the wild, wayward contralto will not be capturabie with a handful of salt. Hard cash and no equivalent is the abiding principle of the Union. Friendships are to count for nothing, domestic relationships do not exist for the purposes of the League, engagements are to be made through the Secretary, who is plaintively adjured to be a stern, hard man of unfluttering eyelids, and! to accept nothing less than ' the three quid pro quo scheduled in Appendix C of the principal Act of Incorporation. The heraldic expert who has had the task of preparing the bearings of the Association supplies the following details of the official seal and escutcheon: —Quarterly, first, three guinea-pigs, or, on a meadow passamib gardant in pale, vert, for the Secretary; second, two amateur tenors rampant, sable, within a double tressure flory—counterflory gules, barred, for singers rejected from membership; third, two ladies proper, with the GooGoo smile, haloed, for the accepted sopranos and contraltos; fourth, two gentlemen, en surtout, with white ties, endorsed, or, for the tenors and basses. Supporters —Dexter, a miller in a white cap, sejant, holding in the dexter paw a purse ,of guineas. Sinister, a Percy pimpure, armed, crined and unguled proper, gorged with a, hamper of pates de foie gras.'and fleur de, lis, a chain affixed thereto passing between : the forelegs, and reflexed oyer the back, also purpure. Crest.—Upon the treble clef, gules, a crotchet proper supported by two wind instruments piangendo, and capped by a Daughter of the Horse-Leech, rampant gardant, crying “ Give.” Motto.— “The greased palm bespeaks the. supple voice.” ,

A number of questions regarding tie constitution still remain to be settled. Tie matter of registration under tine Conciliation and Arbitration Act will naturally call for consideration, and thereby 17111 hang the necessity for making provision for the supply of regular claqueurs at such concerts as are graced by the presence of members of the Associated League of Vocalists. Provision "will also have to be made for the picketing of blackleg concerts and the breaking down of renegade two-guinea singers, either by means of organised disturbance or by suborning the accompanist. A Qualifications Committee will have to bo set up to dekl with candidates for membership, for it is recognised' that the public would regard the irreducible minimum as far too low in the case of many "amateur tenors whose vocal villainies all .desire to shirk,” and would willingly pay twice three guineas to stop some enthusiasts from singing. The regulation forbidding any singer to sing the same song in public more than eleven times in a month will lend a little much-needed variety to forthcoming concerts, and necessitate some of our singers doubling their repertoire by learning a new song. The question of registration upon the Stock Exchange is also to be considered. This, though, is a matter of some delicacy, for with Millars and Hockleys, say, at a premium, amdl Bentons and Reeveses at a discount on the Stock Exchange quotation list, an element of disunion threatening the very constitution of the League would be imminent. Probably, therefore, the committee -will be content to trust to the commercial instincts of the Secretary to secure the best market price for the wares of the syndicate he represents. A system of payment by results would probably increase the efficiency of this department. The offensive always calls for the counter /defensive, and already as the outcome of the establishment of the Song Combine a protective association is contemplated. This will take the shape of a Society for the Public Protection Against Unqualified and 1 Over-Assertive Musicians. It will provide for any person singing in public without having first passed a committee of qualified experts paying a sum of £3 3s to be distributed among charities. It will place an irreducible maximum upon the number of times a certificated singer may sing in public within a fixed radius in a given time, and will provide an elaborate scale of fines for the, taking of unsolicited encores, the eleventh-hour alteration from programmed numbers, the excuse of a cold, and the singing of “ The Holy City,” “ Let Me Like a Soldier Fall,” “The Death of Nelson,” “ I’m Off to Philadelphia,” and other numbers from an index expurgatoris to be issued. Failure to reach a high top-note will be punished by a fine of a guinea a semi-tone, and anybody /sporting a red silk handkerchief with a

dress suit will be disqualified for life. Other details wiili be satisfactorily super; vised, and the public of Christchurch may confidently look to having their future musical experience purgedrto the very pink of propriety.