Odds and Ends.

Lake County Press, Issue 2355, 22 December 1910, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

Her Father: “Blanche, why doesn’t Mr. Linger go home earlier?” Blanche: “I’m why, dad.” “How could Maude descend to marrying - a mere circus contortionist?” “She wanted a man she could twist round her finger.” “Henry, how do you like my new. hat?” “Well, dear, to tell you the truth ” “Stop there ! If you’re going to talk that way about it, Henry, 1 "don’t want to know.” Elsie (aged seven) : “Ma, I want a penny.” Mother; “What for, dear?” Elsie: “I asked Willie Jones to play we’re getting married, and he says he won’t do it unless I have a dowry.” Joe: “For eight years I used tp get up at six, breakfast at eight, dinner at one, tea at six, and bed at ten, and 1 never felt better in my life.” Bill: -“Blimy, Joe, what were yer in for?” Anxious Mother: “How do you know Cashliegh is in love with you? Has he told you so?” Pretty Daughter: No-o. But you should see the way he looks at me when I’m not looking at him.” “My dear,” exclaimed a young bride to her friend, “my husband writes so beautifully; you really ought to see some of his love letters.” “Yes, dear, I know,” was the unkind retort, “I have a drawer full of them at home.” Old Gent, whose hat has bc§n sent gyroscoping into the gutter:' “You young ruffian, aren’t you afraid the ball will crash through one of those windows?” Street Cricketer; “Not i me, guv’nor. You sec, it ain’t my ball.” Farmer (bursting into the village inn) : “What do you think, Silas? The bones of a prchistpric man have been discovered on Jim White’s farm.” Innkeeper: “Great Gosh! I hope poor Jim’ll be able to clear himself at the imprest.” Small Girl: “Please, Mrs. _ Drennan, mother sends her compliments, and will vou lend her a cruet, ’cos she’s got'company?” Mrs. Drennan (who hasn’t the faintest idea what a cruet is) : “Tell your mother I’m very sorry, my dear, but ours is torn.” /“I bought my wife the finest kind of an arrangement for long motor rides.” “What is it?” “A sort of trap to wear over her mouth, called a dust-protec-tor.” “Docs it work ” “I don’t know about the dust part of it, but it keeps her from talking.” AN S-ENTIAL DIFFERENCE. “Please do not pluck the flowers without leave,” was the request placed prominently in the garden of a mansion to which the public were occasionally admitted. One day a practical joker added an “s” to the last word of the sign. The result was that everybody who visited the estate for yhc next "few days carried away a large bouquet of flowers and, with the blooms, lots of leaves. “SALTS” AND THE SOUP. An old captain and his mate went into a restaurant near the docks and ordered dinner. The waiter placed a plate of curious liquid before them. _ “1 say, young fellow, what’s this stuff?” shouted, the captain. ' “Soup, sir,” replied the waiter. “Soup?” shouted the old sea-dog. “Soup, Bill” (turning to the mate), “just think of that. Here you and me have been sailing on soup all our lives, an’ never knowed it till now! AN UNEXPECTED PRIZE. With a deftness acquired by long and patient practice the pickpocket extracted an old buf well-filled purse •from the hip-pocket of the unsuspecting old gentleman with the beaming countenance, against whom he had carelessly brushed, and on reaching a secluded place, he opened it. The contents had been wrapped with great care in numerous thicknesses of blank paper. Removing the wrappings one by one, he found in the centre of the package a card with this inscription:— “Young man, give up your career of crime! Nothing in it!”