Odds and Ends.

Lake County Press, Issue 2185, 5 September 1907, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

(icrman Sausage. ON K of two men bought a German sausage. <)n the way home his companion reproved him for such foolishness, declaring that the sausage was made of timeexpired cab-horses. This the purchaser indignantly denied, but that same evening, going to his friend’s room, he apologised. 1 You was right about that sausage, Bill,’ he said.

‘ Ah, I knew I was. B> how did you prove it ?’ ‘ Why, I cut the saus up into fire pieces, and set ’em out in r.v, one behind the other. Then 1 pushed irward the first on the rank, and the other fo ir moved up !’

Very Likely. Mother : ‘ Ethel, after that young man had said good-night to you in the porch last night, I heard several sounds like kisses.’ Ethel: ‘ Did you, mamma ? Whatever could it have been ? Oh, I know ! What you heard would be the sound be made pulling his feet out of the mud as he walked down the path.’

A Doubtful Compliment. The following is a fragment from a love letter : 1 How I wish, my darling Adelaide, my engagements would permit me to leave town and come and see you! Jt would be like visiting some old ruin, hallowed by time and fraught with a thousand recollections.’

Was Quite Correct. Editor (to reporter) : ‘ What do you mean by writing ‘ among the prettiest girls at the dance was Captain Andrews ?’ The captain is a man,’ Reporter: ‘ Yes; but he spent most of his time among the prettiest girls there !’

A Waning Light. She: ‘Left her husband, has she ! Why, she used fco say he was the light of her existence.’ lie : ‘Yes, but the light began to go out at night.' (iood Job It Wasn’t a Thousand. ‘ Tommy,’ said mamma (who had noticed severe bruises on his face), ‘you’ve boon lighting again.’ 1 Yes, mamma.’ ‘ And didn't you promise mo that -when you wanted to hit anyone you would always stand still and count a hundred ?’ ‘So I did, Mamma. And this is what .Tacky Jones did while I was counting. Willie’s Hope. Willie drank a pint of yeast In spite of friendly warning—- ‘ I hope,’ said he, "twill make me Rise early in the morning.’ In a Chemist’s Shop. Doctor (to chemist angrily) : ‘ You put something that wasn’t ordered in the prescription, and now the patient is quite well.’ Chemist: ‘Well, that’s not ray fault. Why don’t you write your prescriptions so they can be read ?’ In the Menagerie. Showman : ‘ The remarkable thing about the chimpanzee is that it comes nearest to being a human person of any speeshie of the monkey tribe. This here is the chimpanzee, ladles and gents—the one inside the cage. I’lease stand a little further back, Mr Missing Link, or you’ll get mixed.’

‘ Back to the Land.’ Farmer : ‘ So jou’vc had some experience, have you ?’ Youth : ‘ Yes, sir.’ Farmer : ‘ Well, what side of a cow do you sit on to milk ?’ Youth : * The outside.’ Additional Expense. < How much have you paid for repairs since you had your motor car?’ < About a hundred pounds to various doctors !’ No Shovelling Allowed, A ‘ green ’ hand, who had just started farming, went one morning to feed the ducks and fowls that he kept. When lie threw the corn to them he noticed that the fowls commenced pecking, while the ducks ran their bills along the ground. lie thought that this was ‘not good enough,’ so he sharpened the ducks’ bills and said to them : ‘ Peck for peck ye old swindlers. None of your shovellingtr -ks here !’