Odds and Ends.

Lake County Press, Issue 2184, 29 August 1907, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

IN THE RECEPJTOJf ROOM. FAIR HOSTESS : ' I want you to take that lady over there by the door in to dinner. My husband says she is a bit of an old frump, but as she has money and one of his greatest friends has just married her for it, an’ we must be nice to her. j Ouest: 'lam sorry, madainc, but you’ll j have to get some other man to take her down to dinner, lor, you see, I am the particular friend who married her.’ IN THE MOTEL COFFEE ROOM. ‘ Good morning, Mr Ryetop,’ greeted the waiter in the big city hotel. 1 1 hope you enjoyed that old Scotch I left in your room while you were out.’ ‘ It was pretty fair,’ drawled Farmer Rvctop, rubbing his parched lips, ‘ but, begum, that thar syphon you sent up had the strongest stream of fizz water I ever tackled. Why, I went to make one of these here highballs. an’ the blamed thing came near blowin’ me through the window.’ The waiter looked puzzled. ‘ Syphon ? Why, I didn’t send you up any syphon.’ ‘ Yes, you did. It was red, and bound with brass bands. ‘ Great Scott! Why, that was the automatic fire extinguisher 1’ HIS FIRST VICTORY. Magistrate: ‘ William Wiesback, you are charged with having beaten your wife.’ Prisoner (smiling) : ‘The charge is correct your honour. Magistrate : 1 'Then what are you smiling at Prisoner : ‘ I have reason to smile, We have been married five years, and in all the fights we've had, this is the first time she hasn’t beer, able to whip me. Have a cigar, Judge. ■TWAS EVER THUS. Newlywed (proudly); ‘ I always make it a point to tell my wife everything that happens.’ Oldwed : ‘ That’s nothing. I tell my wife lots of things that never happen at all.’ SAME WITH a difference. l ls it true that Maud and Charlie had a quarrel last night ?’ ‘ No, just a falling out. The hammock rope broke.’

I WORE ADVICE GRATIS^ Johnson Junior: ‘He said I was an addlepaled jackass. What do yon advise me to do about it ?’ Jaekson Senior : ‘ See a good veterinary surgeon.’ OME ADVANTAGE. 1 1 don’t see that there is any advantage in these clay pipes which you always seem to prefer,’ said wearj Willie in perfect English. 1 Oh, but there is,’ replied Tired Tim, testily. ‘ When they drop on the ground, for instance, you haven’t to stoop and pick them up.’ A SHARP RETORT. Drown: ‘Taking music lessons, are you Willie? Well, do you know what a flat is ?’ Smith, junior: 1 Yes, sir, three rooms and a bath.’

HER TELEGRAM. ' Can you meet me at fire this afternoon ? Wire reply/ Turtledove to his recently-mar-ried wife. His wife went to the Post OiHce, and wrote a telegram ‘ John Turtledove, High Street—’ 1 How many words can I send for sixpence she asked. ‘ Twelve/ replied the clerk. So she finished her telegram ‘ i'es, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.—Dorothy,

PERSUASIVE ARGUMENTS Desperate- looking Tramp (overtaking young Jones on a lonely road) : ‘ I say young sir, can yer ’elp a poor feller wot’s ’ard up ? All I ’as in the wurld is this stick an’ this loaded revolver.’ VISIBLE REASONS Tom: ‘Mabel says she has insuperable reasons for remaining single.’ Willie : ‘Yes, I know what they are/ Tom ; Then she has told you ?’ Willie : ‘ No, but I have seen her.’ A WISE HUSBANDJ Meek; ‘My wife and I never quarrel, She docs as she pleases, aud I do, too, Peek : ‘ T see—as she pleases.’ Meek: ‘Of course. I’m not looking for trouble.’