Spare Moments.

Lake County Press, Issue 2160, 14 March 1907, Page 7

Spare Moments.

o. ■. HUSBAND AND WIFE. j ' Do you moan to tell me I'm a fool ?' . 'l'should bo sorry to say anything so rude. But I confess that you s6emto apprehend my idea.' ,-,, ";. " THE MODERN WOMAN. He—'Now, don't you think it must bo a dreadful thing to bo disappointed in love ?' She—' It must be a more dreadful thing to be disappointed in marriage.' FIN DE-CYCLE. Dashing Lady Cyclist—' Do you mean to toll me that you havo never seen a lady iu a cycling costumo bofore? Do you really think, in thoso days, that such a thing is rare ?' ;. Bashful Man—' Oh, no; I think it very common.' ■; . .FLATTERY. ' Lady Bountiful (who is being taVon in to dinnor by the now Vioar) —'Ah, my dear sir, I'm nu old v.-inmti, I'm afraid. You would never helbvo how old I am!' New Vicar—'Whatover age you aro, my lady, I'm sure you don't look it.*

SHE WENT AFTER ANOTHER. A woman complained to tho polico last week that a fortune-teller had swindled her out of a three-pound gold ring. ' How did it happen ?' asked tho sergeant at the station. * I went to consult tho clairvoyant ahout a—well, ahout a littlo affair in which I am interested, and she said, ' I must havo some of your gold heforo I can work tho charm.' Well, tho only gold I h°d about mo was tho ring, and of course I let. her havo it. She agreed to retarn it again after a few days,— as soon as sho had worked out what I wanted to know,—hut when I went there today I found sho had moved, and none of the neighbors know whero sho had gone.' 'Well, why don't you consult another clairvoyant and get track of hor ?' asked tho sergeant, sympathetically. * That's so ! I never thought of that, said tho woman, brightening up and bidding tho officer good-day. 'You polico officers beat all for thinking of things. Indeed you do!' A NOVELTY. Amateur pop—' I'vo got a new baby at xuy house.' Veteran pop—' Is that so J Amateur pop—'You bet it is.' Veteran pop—' Well, you'll wish it was an old ono before the winter is over'' A PINE OPPORTUNITY. Modest Youth—* I havo only £I,OOO a year, sir, but I think I can support your daughter on that.' Father (enthusiastically) —'Support her, my dear boy ? Why, you can support her entire family on it;* CONCERNING COMPLIMENTS. . Irate visitor (after a fow remarks)—' Well, I don't want anybody to lio about mo, and I won't havo it.' Editor (appealingly)—'How do you evor expect to have any compliments paid you then?' A VIOLENT INSINUATION. "- Ruth—' Harry told me I was the first girl he over told bo loved.' Kitty—' When did ho toll you that f Ruth—'Monday night. Why?' Kitty—' Oh, nothing; only he must have been lying to mo Tuesday night.' WHAT SFOILED THE COFFEE. At last wo have an infallible rule for' coffee, and though it comes from an unknown source it is warranted to please the most exacting epicure It run as follows : Bridget is an excellent cook, but lito most - women of her profession she is opinionated, and inemN upon making all _ her dishes strictly according to her own recipes. Her mistress gives her full swing not only us to cooking, but as to the purohase of supplies. The other day her mistress said to her: . 'Bridget, the coffee you are giving to us is very good. What kind is it ?' « It's no kind at all, mum,' said Bridgot." ' It's a mixture.' , ' How do you mix it?' 'I make it one-quarter Mocha and one* quarter Java and one-quarter Rio.' * But that's only three-quarters. What do you put in for the other quarter ?' ' I put in no other quarter at all, ,mum. Ttat's where so many spiles the coffee, mum—by putting in a fourth, quarter.' IT MUST HAVE STRAYED. %,'' •William, look up! Tell us, who made you. Do you know ?' William, who was considored a fool, screwing his face and looking thoughtful and somewhat bewildered, slowly answered —' Moses, I s'pose.' ' That will do now,' said tho counsellor, addressing the Court. ' The witness says he s'poses Moses made him! This certainly is an intelligent answer, more so than I supposed him capable of giving, for it shows he has some faint idea of Scripture; but I submit it is not sufficient to justify his being sworn as a witness qualified to give evidence.' • Mr. Judge,' said the fool, ' may I ask tho lawyer a question?' 'Certainly,' said tho judge; 'ask him any question you please.' ' Wal, then, Mr. Lawyer, who d'you s'pose made you?' Counsellor, imitating the witness,' Aaron, I s'pose.' After the mirth had somewhat subsided, the witness exclaimed—' Wal, now, we do read in the good book that Aaron once made a calf, but who'd a thought that the 'tarnal critter had got in here?' A TRUTH-TELLER. Owner.—'When did your father nay he expeoted to have this job done ?' Truthful James (son of contractor). — ' Well, I heard him tell mother that if he got a certain job he's looking after he'd have yours finished by to-night, but if not, ho guessed he'd make this job last out another week.* WHAT WORRIES. \. Mrs. O'Brien: Good morning,' ] McCabe. An* phwat makes yez look so sad ? Mrs. McCabe : Shure, Dennis was sent to gaol for six months. Mrs. O'Brien: Well, shure, don't worry. Six months will soon pass. Mrs. McCabe:. Shure, that's phwat worries me. / THE WISEST SAYINGS. In a ' wisest-saying' competition reoently* conducted by London Tit-Bits, tho prize was awarded to tho person who selected tho following : To thine ownself be true; and it must follow, As the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. —Shakespeare. Honor and shame from no condition rise; Aot well your part, there all the honor lies. —Pope. Desire not to live long, but to live well; How long we live, not years, but actions tell. —Watkyns. ' APHORISMS. 11l patterns are sure to be followed more than good rules.—Locke. Wo sometimes know what wo have done j but never what we do.—Anon. Love is better than spectacles to make everything seem great.—Sir Philip Sydney. In the commonest human face thero lies more than Raphael will tako away with him. —Curly 10. In a vain man tho smallest spark may kindle into the greatest flame, because the materials are all ready for it.—Huuio. Ourselves aro easily provided for; it is nothing but the circumstantials (the apparatus or equipage) of human lifo that costs so much. Pop.'. T'lo nature of eternity is such that though our joys after some centuries of years may seem to havo grown older by having been enjoyed so many ages, yet will they really continue new.—Boyle. . . J A good thought is a areat boon, for which j God is to he first thanked, then he who is the firs' to utter i f , and thon, in a lesser, but (•till in a considerable, dogreo, the .man who i is first to quote it to us.—Bovee. = '

I sim am?. A Wife-Hunting Adventurer, He was a good-looking, smart young man of about twenty-five, who tvas evidently labouring under strong but suppressed emotion. • It was this way,' he said quickly, like a man who brings out a statement strongly against the grain. ' Miss Harvard and I have known eaoh other from childhood. vVo have always been engaged id a sort of way, and a year ago she formally consented to become my bride. Her mother also consented, and it waß nrranged that we should bo married when Marion—Miae Harvardwas nineteen, which she will be in another two months.' Ho paused, but I said nothing. Experience ha« taught me that when a client is proceed'ng very much to tho point, tho bast course is to tfivo him his head. About three months niro,' ho continued, ' Mrs Harvard began to talk a good deal about • ho unwisdom of boy and girl and 'bin in a very i-hort tuno sho told mo oue day that tho had drcidod to withdraw her 'iciiKiit to the cagagenient. Sbo talked a lot of lot about it on tho high-falutin tack— Le utio happiness of hor child, and tho •> B gl'ct ecurti-, and that sort o£ thing—but I know ns well as possible that her motives woo m?io mean mvrcVnaiy ones.' 'A moment,' I paid, 'Your own moans nern no doicbt will known to her.' ' Ycp. I cm .veil to do, that's what I am. I have a small capital which brings mo in ibrte hundred a year ; and I havo a stoekbroHug business, which I have worked at steadily for three years, and which in this laet year has brought me a' clear profit of two hundred pounds. It promises well, and nvght lead to a fortune. Mrs Harvard is a widow on an officer's pension. When she dies, her daughter will bo almost penniietia. I don't care a bit about that. I love tho girl. Sho is a sweet girl, and as pretty as an angel; but I will epare you that. Moreover, I wss perfeotly willing that tho mother should live with us when wo were married, and she would have benefited considerably Ly tho arrangement. In fact, sho was delighted until ' ' Until the richer man camo on the scene,' £ struck in. ' Yes, that's it—though how you guessed it beats me. Do you know who he is ?' ♦ Not until you tell me,' I replied, smiling w*. his amazement at so easy a guess. .? He is a supercilious beast of a German—talks largely about his estates in Silesia, which I believe are of the SBmo character as castles in Spain. Ho turned up shortly before Mrs Harvard gave mo tho cold shoulder, and he has been continually at the houso ever siuc\ Marion tells me that her mother ia doing all fcho can to force her to marry him, and that her life is rendered miserable in consequence.' ' "What do you wieh mo to do ?' ■..' I want you to prevent Miss Harvard from marrying the count.' ' Elopo with her, I should suggest. That would sottle tho question at once.' 1 was getting u little tired of this love 6tory; for I could not see that it led in any way to business for me. ' Ah, but bho is not that kind of girl. 1 believe eho lovca me devotedly, but sho hae such a strong fenso of duty that she won't marry ma without her mother's consent, and I fear'—his face went quite white as he paused—' What I want you to do is to prove that tho Count is no Count, but a ewindier and impostor.' ' - ..„ •'•' -•■■%«' / 'That is a largo order- Have you any grounds for the idea.' 1 No, nono, except that he looks an utter scoundrel— and— well an odd thing—l have travelled in Germany, and come across German officers, and have always been much amused by the way they bow, clicking their their heels- together and bending nearly double. Now 1 have noticed that the Count dees not bow in this way. He nods, and moves a leg like a clumsy Englishman. Yet if he is a Silefian Count, he must have eerved in the Gorman army and learnt their ways.' ; • • • ■•"►'. I attached no importance to his first reason. That, cf course, was mero jealousy. There was wiore in tho second; but then perhaps this Count had a passion for imitating English habits. " •- I elicited from my visitor, Mr Lewis Hal ton, that both bis own family and the one in which ho was interested, lived in the neighbourhood of He came up every day to his tutiness. The Count, according to his own statement, had been residing at a fashionable address in the West End, but had lately removed to a hotel at Kingston—no doubt attracted by the charms of Miss Harvard. Mr Halton believed that the' acquaintance had been mado at Eastbourne in the summer. ' Is it possible,' I inquired, ' that this Count may believe that in marrying Miss Harvard he would bo marrying money ?' ' By Jove, I never thought of that. Well he might. You feo Mtß Harvard is very comfortably off now, and she is great at keeping up appearances. Sho has always calculated that her daughter would marry, and eo has mado no attempt at saving for her. I should doubt if anyone'in the place besides myself knew that, her income dies with her, and ten to one she has not told him.' '■ •' ■•S;--" Bat thon, on the other hand, it might be that tho Count was really rioh, and as disinterestedly iu love with the pretty girl as Mr .'Halton himself': Still it was clearly not my business to aot as advocate for tho other Bide. ■■".•<:■••' , I went down to Kingston with Mr Halton to take a look at tho Count. Chance favored me, and we saw him. ' Limped. I never noticed it. I see now. Do jou call that a limp? It seems to me rather as if the leg were a little stiff,' replied Mr Halton. >•' What do you think of him?' '«;«.-■ .*•*. -;'-V-v 'I am not one of those marvellous beings who can tell you tho whole of a man's past by simply looking at him,' I answeted. . As j;oon as 1 got back to town I started off tathe German Embassy and inquired of an exeeedingly courteous offioial whether thero was a \ Silesian noble named Count von Thoning.v After references to a book he replied that thero was. ' Are you aware whether he is in England at the present time P* 'No. Wo have no information.' "••'<: ,' I suppose that if he were, it would be known here?' 4 Well, not for certain. You see it depends whether he calls, and if he were only over for a short time, or only a ehort time in London, ho might not.' I thanked him and departed, feeling that tho balance of what I had learnt was decidedly in favour of the Count. Still, there Eras that other piece of evidence, and so I went straight to the fashionable address. The house proved to be a pile of most expensive fiats, .Really a man must have money to live there. I rang again, and after some time a slatternly girl came up the etairs. ■■■>■•■■ ' Count von Thoning lived here, didn't he?' I began. «No.' •Perhaps you have not been here long enough to remember him ?' I 3aid—feeling more cheerful. ' Oh, I remember him,' she eaid with disdain. ' Only he didn't live here. He had Lis letters took in.' ,1 went awy feeling that I had scored one big trick in tho game. I had' convicted the Count of one piece of imposture ; whj not of e.notfier ? , I resolved on a bold stroke - . I went back to tho German Embassy, obtained a second interview, and explained my case in full to the coarteonß ofileial. ' Can you give me Count von Thoning's fidjb. pes,' I concluded, I so : that I jaay.wiro

and eettle thig question whether ha is fa England or not V • Do you read Gor.nan ?' ho inqairod. ' No -' r , A « That's a pity. But, however, I «ml road to you. This booV he paid, taking i>p » pquat volume, 'i'the B»cwd volume of the Almanack do Gotha, nud gives d utail* about all the Cjuius of the uormim Ampiro, including their addresses. It says that uw Count von Thoning is a very <nd Silenau noble with iaryo estate—lives at aoalcs* Thoningdtein—is aged fifty-seven-^ 4 No, my nian is not mere thau thirty. « Wait. He has been twice mar.-ied; by the first wife ha had only daughters. I'ou observe that if he had a son, that s">r< would bo also a Count—yea. he had a sou by the second marriage, Count Frederick von Thoning—which might be abbreviated to Count von Thoning hero but I seo that this son is only elovon years old.' While ho continued in this drawling strain I went up and down on a perfect switchback of emotion, and when he finished, [ felt a* if I had reached th-> safe haven of solid fact. 'Then my man is an impostor P** I said triumphantly. • I really fear that he has no right to stylo himself Count von Thoning,' said my diplomatist diplomatically. ' Should you have any objection to certify that fact ?' ' I should havo no objection to certify that the Almanack de Gotha states that the only two members of tho von Thoning family who have a right to tho citlo of Count aro aged fifty-seven and eleven—if that will meet your views.* Armed with this document, I wired to Mr Halton, inado an appointment with him, and met him tho next day at Kingston in the aftornoon. "When I told him my uows, ho was nearly frantic with horror at the thought that his beloved Miss Ilarvard should havo been exposed to tho contamination of the impostor's presence, and secondly at the Ecandal which the exposure would cause. • I think I can avert the latter,' I said. After somo thought I concocted tho following letter. • One who is acquainted with the circumstances of the von Thoning family, and also with the seminary where the art of dragging tho leg is taught, advises the face card that Kingston is not a healthy place for holidays. Another term at school must result and tho leg become etiffer.' I delivered it in person at the Count's hotel, sending in tho message that it was left by a gentleman from Scotland Yard. It proved effective, for tho Count was nover seen again in Kingston, and I heard subsequently that ho left hurriedly that same evening. Mrs Harvard, being a sensible woman, was only too glad to cover up the Count's defection by announcing her daughter's engagement to Mr Halton. ■ I cannot make out why ho should have gone off in such a hurry ' said the latter to me as ho handed over a handsome cheque. « You certainly managed it like a magician.' I repeated tho words of my lettor. • Yea, but I don't understand at all. What does it mean ?' ' Why, that when I first saw him I noticed that ho walked with the peculiar gait which convicts acquire by dragging at tho chain. I alluded to that in my letter, implied that if he played in Kingston he might have to take the chain, and suggested that inquiries were being made about him at Scotland Yard. Also, J palled him the face Card, which is extra to tho pack, and does not come into play. II ho had not haen a convict and a, sham he would - not have understood-rlike you—as it was, you see, ho bolted at once. It was just i game of bluff and I won.'—-A Peiyatk Detective.