IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXXII, Issue 4642, 20 May 1938, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

The old story about the man who got a job because the prospective employer saw him pick up a pin from the floor has a sequel, possibly equally old. He told a friend of his success and the friend, also jobhunting, had the foresight to drop a pin on the floor as he entered the manager's office. At it happened he obtained the job without using this strategic device, but as he turned away, just to clinch the bargain he picked up the pin and put it in his lapel. Instantly the manager roared: "It's all off. We don't want you here. A man who will steal a pin will steal anything."

"I suppose you will want me to give up my job, Henry, when we are married?" "How much do you earn?" "Five pounds a week." "That's not a job, it's a career, and I would not want to interfere with your career, darling."

The conversation had turned on the ways of wives. "Well," said Brown, "when my wife and I have an argument I always have the last word." "Oh," exclaimed someone. "You do?" Brown nodded. "Yes, I apologise."

There was no doubt about it, little Johnny hated going to school. "Why don't you like our school?"- asked the teacher.

"Oh," said Johnny, "it isn't so much the school; it's the principal of the thing."

He: Don't- go. You are leaving me entirely without reason. She: I always leave things as I find them.

A kindly old clergyman was making his annual visit to the convicts in the big city prison. To one man who looked very miserable and crestfalien he said:

"Why are you here, my man?" "Only for just one small thing." "Tell me what that is?" "They've got all the doors locked."

A man applied for a job on a building estate. "What have you done before?" asked the foreman.

"I was a milkman," replied the applicant. "What wages did you get?" "Thirty shillings a week and my milk," was the reply.

The foreman grinned. "All right." he said, "you might be useful as we're short of men. We'll give you thirty-five bob a week and wean yon into the bargain."

The big business man, obliged to take a quicker lunch than usual, went into a nearby cafe and ordered the best that could be had. Sitting opposite him was a well-built if over-slim young man, attacking some bread and cheese, and casting envious looks at his neighbour's plate. The latter, noting this, nodded sympathetically, and queried: "Athlete on a diet, old chap?" "No," was the reply, "one of your travellers on commission."

A house-to-house collection was being made on behalf of foreign missions. At one door the collector knocked at, the lady of the house answered, and said, after hearing the appeal: "It's no use your asking me. I don't approve of foreign missions."

"But surely," persisted the caller, "you know that we are commanded to feed the hungry?" "I dare say," replied the lady of the house, grimly, "but surely we can feed them on something cheaper than missionaries."

A Chinese, said by his doctor to be insane, was being questioned by a specialist. "Do you ever have any illusions?" asked the medico. "What are they?" asked the Chinese through the interpreter. "Why," explained the doctor, "do you ever hear voices, for instance?" "Oh, yes," was the reply. "When?" "Whenever someone talks to me." Wife: Oh, do come to Mrs. Barker's with me, Tom. She'll make you feel at home. Husband: Then what's the use of going?

A retired vocalist who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was asked to sing in company. "Allow me," said he, "to imitate the nightingale, which does not sing after it has made its nest."

A friend wrote a letter saying that he was in very bad health, and concluded: "Is there anything worse than having toothache and earache at the same time?" The other wrote back: "Yes, rheumatism and St. Vitus's dance!"

They stood at the garden gate, the scent of lilacs filling the warm spring air. "Sally," he whispered, years—"

"we've been going together for two "Yes, Geoffrey," she breathed. "And we've grown close to one other—gotten to trust one another, haven't we?" "Of course, Geoffrey—" she trilled.

"Well, he gulped, "will you lend me my car-fare home? I'm busted."

Young Alex (watching painter) : How many coats of paint do you give a door? Painter: Two, my boy.

Young Alex (brightly) : Then if you gave it three coats it would be an overcoat?

Painter: Yes, my lad, and a waste coat.

The little boy was evidently a firm believer in the old adage, "Of two evils choose the lesser." Turning the corner at full speed he collided with the minister.

"Where are you running to, my little man?" asked the minister.

"Home," panted the boy. "Ma's going to spank me.' "What!" gasped the astonished minister. ""Are you so eager to have your mother spank you that you run home?" "No," shouted the boy over his shoulder, as he resumed his homeward flight, "but if I don't get there before Pa, he'll do it!"

"Are you the celebrated lion tamer?" "No, I only comb the lions and clean their teeth.''

They were giving a small dinnerparty, and for a special treat the little son of the house had been allowed to come down. When the dinner was nearly over, the child remarked in a confidential but audible voice to his mother: "Mummy, will dessert upset me tonight, or is there enough to go round?"

"Now, young man, you come with me," said father sternly. "You're not going to thrash me, are you, father?" quavered the small boy. "Yes, I am. Didn't I tell you this morning that I'd settle with you for your bad behaviour?" "Yes," answered the child, "but I thought it was only a joke, like when you tell the grocer you'll settle with him."

A Scot, whose gardens were noted for their fine fruit, once sent a basket of hothouse grapes to Queen Victoria. Graciously she acknowledged the gift in a personal letter, and complimented the donor on the excellence of his grapes. The gentleman thought the old gardener would be pleased to share the compliment and handed the letter to him, saying, "Here, Sandy, that's from the Queen." Sandy read the letter through carefully, and then, after a long pause, said: "She disna say onythin' aboot sendin' back the basket!"

A traveller noticed a number of men working in a field and stopped for a chat with the farmer who owned the land.

"Most of these men are ex-sol-diers," explained the farmer. "Oh, really!" replied the other. "They are all privates, I suppose?" "Well, as a matter of fact, they are not," said the farmer. "There are one or two privates and one of them was a corporal. But one is a major and one a colonel." "Are they all good men?"

"Well, the privates are pretty good on the whole, and the corporal isn't bad at all." "What about the major?" "Oh, he's only so-so." "And the colonel?"

"Well," relied the farmer hesitatingly, "I'm not going to say anything against a man who's been a colonel in the Army, but I've made up my mind that, whatever happens, I'm not going to hire any generals."

Wife: Our tom-cat has been scampering up and down every back-yard in the street all last night. What's wrong with him?

Husband: He heard we were leaving to-day and was cancelling his appointments.

"The horse I was riding wanted to go one way and I wanted to go another." "Who won?" "He tossed me for it."

Poulterer: Did the fowl I sent do for the whole family? Customer: Very nearly. The doctor is still attending us.

Friend: Your tour was not a great success, then? Stage Manager: It was not. When we played tragedy, the box-office receipts were a farce, and when we played farce, there was a tragedy.