IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXXI, Issue 4961, 27 February 1937, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Passenger: Have I time to say goodbye to my wife? Ship's Officer: I don't know, sir. How long have you been married?

Motorist's Wife: What beautiful white fleecy clouds! How I should like to be up there amongst them. Motorist: All right, you drive.

Mother: Sit down, Bob, and tell your little brother a story. Bob: I can't mother. I've just told father a story, and I can't sit down.

Deacon Pinchpenny: Yes, suh, he got mad an' called me a derned old barefaced scoundrel.

Colonel Bluegrass: Well, he's : slightly mistaken, suh. You've got a goatee an' moustache.

Customer: Satisfied? Certainly I'm satisfied. I've nothing but praise for you. Tailor: Then I suppose it's not much good my sending the bill in again, sir. He: A wagon maker who had been dumb for a number of years picked up a hub and spoke. She: Yes, and a blind carpenter on the same day reached for a plane and saw; a deaf sheep ranchman went out with his dog' and herd; a noseless fisherman caught a barrel of herring and smelt; a forty-ton elephant inserted his trunk into a grate and flue. London Magistrate (to Scot who has been.. out "painting the town red"): Seven days' imprisonment. The Scot: Ye canna dae that; I'm only up here on an excursion ticket. The young man who had been calling on Helen came at last to see her father. Finally, the suitor made this announcement: "It's a mere formality, I know, but we thought it would be pleasing to you if it were observed in the usual way." "And may I inquire," he asked, "who suggested that asking my consent to Helen's marriage was a mere formality?" "Yes," replied the young man. "It was Helen's mother."

Madge: Why do you prefer Wagner? Marjorie: Because he composed about the only kind of music one can hear above the conversation.

Father: Young man, I understand you have made advances to my daughter? Young Man: Yes, sir. I wasn't going to say anything about it, but since you have mentioned it, I wish you could get her to pay me back.

Slow Waiter (in London restaurant): Your coffee, sir; it's special from South America, sir. Diner (sarcastically): Oh, so that's where you've been!

"You must find debt collecting a thankless job. Nobody wants to see you, do they?" "On the contrary, they all ask me to call again."

"Tommy, your manners are dreadful. You're a regular little pig at the table."

Silence from Tommy, and father added: "You know what a pig is, don't you?" "Yes, dad," answered Tommy, meekly, "it's a hog's little boy."

Five -year old Billy was being urged by his mother to take medicine. "It's to do you good, Billy dear, and God wishes you to take it." "I don't believe He does, mother. I'll ask Him."

The youngster buried h's head under the bedclothes and thence a hoarse voice was heard saying: "No, certainly not."

The negress was applying for a separation order from her husband. "He done said that one night he'll do me in," she protested, "He has a razor under his pillow; and Ah has a hammer under mine. "Well, Ah doan' mind that. Ah guess it's the give-and-take of married life. But yo' see how it is, suh. Neither of us doan 7 get no sleep." He leaned over the garden fence and beckoned to his neighbour. "I say, old man," he said, "I understand that you have Jones's rake." The neighbour nodded. "Good," said the first. "If you'll let me borrow that occasionally, I'll let you use his roller whenever you may be wanting it." New Boarder: The landlady is very thoughtful. Although I arrived late for dinner, she saved the tenderest part of the chicken. Old Boarder (suspiciously): What was it? New Boarder: The gravy! Smith (looking up from his newspaper): I say, Jim, what is the Order of the Bath? Brown: Well, as I've experienced it, it's first the water's too hot; then it's too cold; then you're short qf as towel; then you step on the soap; and, finally, the telephone bell rings.

Little Boy: There must be some visitors downstairs. His Little Sister: How can you tell? Little Boy: I hear mother laughing at father's jokes. "She is a woman who has gone through a great deal for her beliefs." "Indeed? What is her belief?" "She believes she can wear a No. 5 shoe on a No. 7 foot. "Where is the paper plate I gave you under your pie?" asked the bride. "Was that a plate?" inquired the groom anxiously. "I thought it was the lower crust." Author: May I have some further details about this magnificent estate you offer for sale? Agent: Do you wish to buy it? Author; No. But I think I can use your glowing description of it in my new novel. The examiner was conducting a science course at a local school. One of his requirements in the written examination was the following: Define a bolt and nut and explain the difference, if any. The student wrote: A bolt is a thing like a stick of hard metal, such as iron, a square bunch at one end, and a lot of scratching wound round the other end. A nut is similar to the bolt only just the opposite, being a hole in a little chunk of iron sawed off short with wrinkles around the inside of the hole. New Farm Club Member: One of our pigs was sick, so I fed him sugar. Old Member: Sugar? You must be crazy. New Member: Crazy nothing! Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured hams? The pilot was giving exhibition flights at 2s 6d a time. "Now," he said to his passengers before taking off, "I am going to rise to 2000 feet. If by accident anything should go wrong up above, you have only to pull the rip cord of the parachute strapped to your shoulders, and you will float gently to earth." "But," ventured a young lady, rather nervously, "supposing the parachute doesn't open?" The airman smiled reassuringly. "That's all right, miss," he returned. "In that case just go round to the aerodrome cashier's office—third door left up the stairs —and you'll get your money back." The guide was showing a party of American tourists over a noted church in London. When they reached the belfry the guide said: "This 'ere bell is a bit unusual, it is. We only ring it on the occasion of a visit from the Lord Bishop, or when we 'ave a fire, a flood, or some such calamity." Father: I hate travelling in trams. They always seem crowded. Child: Well, you had a seat to-day, dad. Father: Yes, but your poor mother had to stand. The M.P.'s son came to his father and confided in him that he, too, wished to become a politician. His father, not wishing the boy to enter his new career unprepared, offered him some good advice. "My boy," he said, "two things are necessary if you are to succeed in politics —honesty and sagacity." "And what exactly is honesty?" asked the lad. "Honesty means that always, no matter what happens, however adversely it may affect you, you keep your word once you have given it." "And sagacity, father?" "Never give your word, my son." Proprietor of Restaurant (to diner): Monsieur, we are famed for snails here. Diner: I thought so. I have been served by one already. Mrs. Guddley (hostess): Oh, do have another cake, Mrs. Duggley. I baked these myself. Mrs. Duggley: Well, I'll just have one more, and that'll finish me. Worshipper: I was given to understand you had a mixed choir here, but I noticed they were all males. Curate: Nevertheless it's mixed. Some of them can sing, and some of them can't. Diner: Waiter, this, steak is only half the size of the one I had yesterday. Waiter: But you're not sitting beside the window to-day.