IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXXI, Issue 4958, 20 February 1937, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

“Now, be sure and eat the skins when you have fruit. Fore© yourself to do it,” the doctor advised. “It’s no good, doctor,” the patient said when he came again. “I simply can’t eat the skins. I managed banana skins, but pineapple and cocoanuts have me beaten.” Prospective Buyer: I want to buy a home way out in the country, at least a mile from the nearest neighbour. Agent: Oh, I see, you want to practise the simple life? Prospective Buyer. No, the saxophone. First Knut: Didn’t you used to have Miss Flyhigh’s photo in that frame there? Second Knut: Yes; but I got rid of it when I proposed and she gave me the negative. “Pat, Oi’m ashamed of ye, Oi am,’’ exclaimed his wife, after he allowed the burglar to escape. “Bejabbers, ye can be ashamed, then,” he retorted. “Oi’d rather be a coward for foive minutes than a dead man all me loife.” The end of the term had arrived, and the teacher, approaching one of his rather backward scholars, said: “You haven’t learnt much in this class, have you, my boy?” “I admire you, sir,’’ replied the boy, “for taking the blame in that broadminded fashion.” Bob: There was a time when I’d have done almost anything to change a ten-shilling note. Rob: What did you want to change it for? Bob: A ten-pound one. Vicar: I’m sorry to hear about your son being jilted, Mrs. Meggs. He must stick to his work and do his best to forget things. Mrs. Meggs: Oh, ’e will, sir. ’E s a plumber’s mate now, you know. Teacher: What is a volcano? Reggie: A high mountain that keeps on interrupting. Stated that an ex-Englishman in Sydney who has not communicated with his relatives for thirty years'has received word that one of them has left him £30,000. That’s something to write home about. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me to-night,” Michael remarked as he again trod on his partner’s toe. “I’ve never danced so poorly before.” “Oh, so you have danced before?” she retorted witheringly. “What are the seven ages of woman?” “Her real age and six guesses.’’

“Is your husband in, Mrs. Gossip?” asked the caller. “Yes; he’s in,” replied the lady. “Good! Then perhaps I’ll get the money he owes me.” “You’re a bit of an optimist. If my husband had any money he wouldn’t be in.” The Wife: Before we were married you said you would always anticipate my smallest wish. The Husband: I know. But you don’t seem to have any small ones. McTavish (overjoyed) : My dear, come outside; the wind has changed. Wife: Well, what of it? McTavish: Ye ken the doctor said ye must have a change of air. “To what do you attribute your start on the road to success?” The self-made man pondered. “I think,” he said, “it must have been the fact, that when I was an office boy I laughed louder than any of the other boys at the manager’s jokes.” Housewife (indignantly): Just why are you knocking at my window? Tramp: Well, your husband's out there mowing the lawn, and he says that you object to handing money out at the door. “You say after the last banquet you attended you gained five pounds. It must have been the food they served.” “No, it was the silverware.” The insurance official was filling in a form for a woman who wished to insure her husband. “What is his occupation?” asked he. “He works at a hotel,” said the woman. “He’s a ‘mixer.’ ” ‘What—cocktails?” queried the other. “Nof —cement!” came the reply. “The hotel isn’t finished yet.” Lady (to immaculate salesman): There was something else my husband wanted to know, but he didn’t like to ask. Salesman: But that’s what I’m here for,, madam. \ Any information I can possibly Lady: Well, as a 'matter of fact, it was the address of your tailor.

“I have a talk with my husband about money once a week.” “Oh, mine’s paid just once a month.” Explorer: Mercy! I have a wife and five children to feed. Cannibal: So have I. “This steak isn’t very tender, waiter.” “Well, did you expect it to put its arms round you and kiss you?”’ “Yesterday I got a parrot for my wife.” “Uh! I wouldn’t mind an exchange like that.” “As soon as I realised the business was dishonest I got out of it.” “How much?” “Did the doctor treat you?” “No, he charged me ten guineas.” Sandy: What would ye do if ye had five shillings in your pocket? Jock: I’d think I had someone else’s trousers on. “How would you like to hear your little ones howling for bread?” demanded the beggar. The harrassed family man sighed. “It would be a change,” he said. “At present they do nothing but howl for chocolates.” Brown (possible buyer): How is she at hill climbing? Salesman: My dear sir, you’d never know you were on a hill with that car if it wasn’t for the other cars blocking the way. A Scotch couple were on their way to be married. As they neared the church the bride finally burst out: “Oh, Sandy I hae a secret tae tell you before we get marrit.” “Weel, an’ whit is’t, Mary?” asked Sandy. “I canna cook vera weel,” replied Mary. “Ooh,” comforted Sandy, “never mind that; it’s precious little ye’ll get tae cook wi’.” Barber (engaging assistant): I pay lower wages in the summer, because the work’s easier. Applicant: But people get their hair cut just the same. Barber: Ay, but you don’t have to help them on wi’ their overcoats. Fruiterer: Hey, what are you doing with that orange? Sandy: Well, mon, if there’s seven for saxpence, there’ll be six for fivepence, five for fourpence, four for threepence, three for twopence, two for a penny—and one for nowt! Benson: These are hard times. Why, I heard of a man the other day who couldn’t raise money even on Government bonds. Stenson: Indeed! What was the reason? Benson: Well, you see —er—he didn’t have the bonds. The worried husband was trying to balance his budget. Presently his wife came across to him and presented a list of requirements. He seized it savagely. “More money!” he sighed. “This life is like a game of chess. Nothing but cheque, cheque, cheque.” “And,” she quietly put in, “if you don’t give me more money it will be more like a game of chess. It’ll be pawn, pawn, pawn!” Gert: I will say this for Ted’s dancin’, ’e do keep good time. Bert (Ted’s rival): So ’e ought. ’E’s just done five years of it! Visitor: I found something very absorbing on your desk. Poet (highly delighted): Indeed! One of my poems, I presume? Visitor: No, a piece of blotting paper. Judge: It is the sentence of this Court that the prisoner be confined to prison for the remainder of his natural life. Prisoner: Your honour, this is a rank injustice Judge: Silence! Two more years for contempt of Court!