IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXX, Issue 4872, 18 July 1936, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Mrs. Newly wed: I'm so glad you like it. Mother says chicken salad and strawberry tarts are the only things I make correctly.

Mr. Newlywed: "Which. is this, darling?

Father-in-law: You are a good-for-nothing, and I have to keep your wife. You never buy her a pair of shoes.

Son-in-law: Well, I only asked you for her hand.

"Has anyone remarked on the way you handled your car?" "One man did, but he didn't say much."

"What did he say?" "Two pounds and costs."

A well-dressed man alighted from a taxi and handed the driver the legal fare plus twopence. The look of disgust on the driver's face was amusing, but the effect was heightened when the man walked about a dozen yards away and then returned and loftily handed the cabby another penny! "Thanks, guv'nor!" said the cabby, "another four payments and the blooming taxi's yours."

Vicar: Have you done anything today to make somebody else pleased? Eric: Yes; I licked Jack Smith. Vicar: But that did not please anybody. Eric: You should have heard his little brother laugh!

Bright Young Man: Do you want to marry a one-eyed man? His Fiancee: Why? Bright Young Man: Then let me carry an umbrella.

Bandit: Hands up! Out with all the money you've got. Bank Official: One minute, please — kindly fill up this withdrawal form.

Briggs: Why have you got the end wall of your garage on hinges? Griggs: My wife can't always stop the car.

Wireless Fan: Wireless will eventually take the place of newspapers.

Friend-: Dear me! Fancy carrying our fish and chips home in a threevalve set!

"Although I race both greyhounds and pigeons, I am always out of pocket," declares a sportsman. And out of breath, too, we should imagine.

Mother: What happened when that high-pressure salesman called to-day? Daughter: Oh, I sold him father's old clothes and all the discarded furniture in the attic.

Spender: I asked you for a loan of twenty pounds. This is only ten.

Lender: I know it is, but that's the fairest way—you lose ten and I lose ten.

"You must be keen on the talkies to go so often." "It's not that exactly. You see, if I don't go regularly I can't understand what my children are saying."

"It is generally believed that there is luck in odd numbers," we read. We ought to be exceptionally lucky, considering the extremely odd numbers we get when we try to telephone.

A woman competitor lighted twenty- seven candles with one match at a bazaar recently. I understand she has received many proposals of marriage from Aberdeen.

"It was rather an impromptu affair." "Yes, but none the less spontaneous on that account."

A man in search of a quiet holiday set out in a small sailing boat, his only equipment consisting of provisions and a wireless set. He sailed serenely for several days, until at last he sighted one of those liners which resemble small towns rather than ships. The appearance of the little boat created excitement on board the liner, which slowed down.

The captain was wondering whether it was a matter of going to the rescue when the holiday-maker moved to his transmitter and tapped out the message: "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Author: Here's the manuscript of my new story, and, I tell you plainly, two hundred won't buy it. Editor: I don't doubt it—l'm one of them.

"Mabel, dear," began her friend, "I was so sorry to hear that Mac broke oft' the engagement. Did you have a quarrel?" '"No," replied Mabel. "He met a girl from Aberdeen whose birthday was on Christmas Day!" Husband: The shares I paid so much for last week are now only worth five shillings each! Wife (trying to console him): Then isn't it a good thing you've got so many of them.

111-mannered Diner: Hey! Waiter. Waiter: We don't serve it here, sir!

"You can have the job as cashier — the wages' are two hundred dollars a month."

"You can't go far on that, sir." "I don't want a cashier to go far."

"Did you receive many Christmas cards, Miss Brown?" asked the thrifty young man.

"Oh, yes, quite a lot," replied the young lady, "and there was an unsigned one which I thought particularly dainty and artistic. I'm sure it came from you." "Indeed!" he exclaimed, delighted and highly flattered, "and what makes you think that?" "Because I sent it to you last year."

In the dressing-room of the train the Scot had been boring everyone with tales of the great deeds he had done.

"Well, now," said an Englishman at last, "suppose you tell us something you can't do, and I'll undertake to do it myself." "Thank ye," replied the Scot. "I canna pay ma railroad fare."

"I want to see your beauty editor." said the caller at the sanctum of a popular magazine. "Are you following her advice?"

"I am." "Got confidence in it?" "I have." "Then you don't want to see her."

"Only last year in India," boomed the club bore, "I suddenly found myself face to face with a_ man-eating tiger."

"And only last week," murmured the quiet little man in the corner, "in a restaurant, I found myself face to face with a man eating fish."

The nice lady smiled at the little girl who had been left in charge of the confectioner's shop.

"Don't you sometimes feel tempted to eat one of the cream buns, my dear?" she asked.

The little girl was quite shocked. "Of course not. That would be stealing. I only taste them."

He: Good heavens, the engine is absolutely boiling. She: Then why don't you turn off the radiator, darling?

"Where were you during the sixth and seventh dances last night?"

"Jack was showing me some new steps." "Were they very hard?" "Oh, no, we had cushions."

"I want a book to take home with

me." "Yes, sir; something light?" "It doesn't matter; I have my car outside."

He: Suppose a very ugly man tried to kiss you, would you object? She: Try it and see!

"We have asked her several times to sing, and she has refused each time."

Some of the strangers may go away thinking they've missed something."

I suppose when you have been flying for a year or so it becomes second nature."

"Surest thing you know. Why, I'm getting so that I often feel a craving for worm and bird seed."

Novice (with great determination after numerous attempts): I'll stay here till I hit this ball.

Caddie: Weel, ye can get some ither laddie to haud yer sticks, for this is ma bath nicht.

The women certainly are patronising barber shops nowadays." "Yes, and it serves some of these talkative barbers right!"

"But, darling, you're using the pen without any ink." "Yes, Mummy, this letter is very confidential."

Little Jimmy: Mother, can me and Billy have some cake? Mother: Not unless you ask grammatically. Little Jimmy: Well, mother may I have some cake?

"Hullo," called a feminine voice over the telephone, "is that the Humane Society?" "Yes," replied the official in charge. "Well, there's a book canvasser sitting up in a tree in my garden teasing my dog."

Assistant (to lady who has handed in a badly-spelled telegram): I can read everything so far, but what is this word?

Lady: Never mind that, miss; it's none of your business. They'll know it at the other end.