IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXIX, Issue 4731, 10 August 1935, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Teacher: Give me a sentence using the word "analyse." Willie: Anna says she r.ever cats plum pudding, bu f , how analyse!

Wife: I believe you often wish I had married another man. Husband: Nonsense! I have no enemies.

Dave: We've been going together for ten years now. 'Ow about us getting married?

Kate: Oh, Dave, are you sure it's not a passing infatuation?

Warder: Now, my man, I have come here to take some notes. Prisoner: Don't try it, mate. I got five years for it.

Brown: Who gave the bride away?

Smith: Her small brother. He got up in the middle of the ceremony and shouted, "Good old Kate! You've got him at last."

"Hello, Higgs. Furnished ycur new flat yet?" "No, old man, not quite. By the way, do you happen to know where 1 can buy a folding toothbrush?"

"Mason always ■ cuts me since I commenced to grow a beard," remarked Jemson.

"That's easily explained," replied Herlock. "He's a shareholder in a razor-blade firm."

Wife: Why don't you put the cat out as I told you? Absent-minded Professor: I put something out. Ye gods! It must have been the baby!

Host (absentmindedly to singer): Will you give your song now, or shall we let the guests enjoy themselves for another half-hour?

Scotsman: And what country do ye belong? Yankee: The grandest country in the world. Scotsman: Well, that's funny. So do I, but you don't talk like a Scot!

The following notice was posted in a North of England factory: "Applications for leave of absence on account "of influenza, twins, measles, relatives' funerals, etc., must be handed to the foreman not later than 8 a.m. on the day of the match."

Shopkeeper: I'm afraid I haven't another hat in the shop. You have looked at them all, and yet have not fou'nd the kind you want. What is wrong with them? Customer: Well, it is like this: I've just bought a motor bike, and I want a cap with a peak at the back.

"Did you investigate that burglary at the harness-maker's?" asked the chief.

"Yes, sir," replied the detective. "Did you find any clues?" "No, sir; the burglars removed all the traces."

Angry Father: What do you mean by bringing my daughter home from a dance at six o'clock in the morning? Young Man: I had to be at work at seven.

* The new milkman was bashful, but anxious to please his customers. An elderly woman appsared at the door of a big house which he served, and '•haughtily put the question, "How much is my milk bill?" » The young mail blushed and stammered, "Beggin' ycur pardon, ma'am, but—my name's Jim!"

Jimson was relating his experiences in India.

"I was taking my usual morning" dip when I spotted three gladiators making for me. so I had to swim for dear life!"

"You mean navigators—something like a crocodile?" interposed Johnson. "Well, what am gladiators?" "Gladiators? Why they're a sort of flower grown from bulbs."

The old lady was paying a visit to a mental home which she had endow? ed. In the gardens she came across a youthful-looking inmate fast asleep in a hammock.

"Why aren't you working with the rest, my boy?" she asked, tartly, after waking* him up. "I'm crazy," came the candid answer.

"But surely crazy people can work?" argued the other, pointing to some of the toilers.

"Maybe," was the reply; but I ain't as crazy as that."

A- bootmaker gave a guarantee that his last for three months after purchase. An Aberdonian bought a pair, but three weeks afterwards brought them back in holes and completely worn out.

"That's queer," said the bootmaker. "Such a thing has never happened before. Did they fit you right?" "Aye, but they were a wee bit tight for ma brither on the night shift," was the astounding reply.

Foreman: Well, everything all right? Night Watchman: Yes, I haven't done so bad for the first night. I've checked everything off, and there's only one thing missing—the steam roller. New Cook: Yes, ma'am, my late mistress was very quick-tempered. Shed flare up, call me names, and Mistress: Ah, I know, and then next minute would be sorry she had done so. New Cook: That's right, ma'am. An' so will anybody else who calls me names. The dramatic actor was recounting some of his experiences to a friend. "When I played Romeo," he said, "I died so naturally that a man in the audience fainted."

"Wonderful!" exclaimed his fiie:d. "But why?" "Well, explained the actor, "he was my insurance agent."

Private Brown (writing home): Hi Bill! How d'yer spell "fort"?

Private Smith: F-o-r-t

Private Brown: I don't mean that blooming "fort." I mean the "fort" what you fink.

A barber was scraping away industriously for a while. Presently he made the usual inquiry. "Razor all right, sir?" he asked.

"My good fellow," replied the customer, "if you hadn't mentioned it I should never have known there was a razor on my face."

The barber beamed. "Thank you, sir,—thank you! ' he murmured.

"No, I should have thought you were using a file," came the sharp retort.

"It gives me great pleasure, O'Connor, to pin this medal on your breast." said the commander, "and to tell you that I am also placing twenty-five dollars to your credit in the bank. "Thank ye, sorr," said the private. "But, sorr—" ' "Yes?"

"If ye wouldn't mind now, sorr," said O'Connor, "couldn't ye pin the twenty-five dollars,on me breast and put the medal in the bank?"

A Scot, who had worn the same hat for fifteen years, decided, with a heavy heart, to buy a new one.

Going into the only hat shop in his neighbourhood, he said, "Well, here I am again."

Most of the family were at the window, waiting for the,Jubilee procession to pass. Suddenly the mother asked her eldest daughter, 'Where's Phyllis?'

-"Upstairs," came the reply, "waving her hair." "Why?" asked the mother, unthinkingly; "hasn't she got a flag?"

She gazed dreamily into his eyes. "George, dear," she said, "you will give up going to the club and stay at home when we're married, won't you?" "Why, yes, my pet, if you wish it," he replied. "Of 'course, I wish it, darling," she went on. "Who will look after the house when I'm out, if you aren't in?"

"Dr. Bottles is a very wealthy man they tell me," said Hayes. "How can an ordinary village practitioner make so much?"

Freeman smikd knowingly. "Dr. Bottles is very lucky," he replied. "He owns a large number of shares in a very prosperous oil well."' Hayes nodded. "I see," he replied, "he makes money from the sick and the well, too."

"What part am I cast for?" asked an ambitious amateur actor of the club secretary. t "You are to be the heroine's father," was the reply. "What does he do?" asked the eager player. "Oh, he dies ten years before the curtain rises on the first act," was the secretary's crushing answer.

Perkins, the bachelor, made a practice of going for a run each evening in shorts and vests to keep fit. One evening he was trotting sedately round the square when he almost collided with an old woman. He recognised her at once as his washerwoman.

The old woman gazed at Perkins's athletic attire in amazement and then gasped out: — "Oh, dear, sir, I'm sorry I'm late this week with your washing, but if you'll go back now I promise you I'll deliver it first thing in the morning.'