IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXVIII, Issue 4633, 8 December 1934, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Jones: How can you let your dog bark all night as he does? Brown: Oh, it won’t hurt him; he sleeps all day.

Bill: Got your fishing perch? Joe: Watcha talking about? Bill: Teacher said that a rod, a pole, and a perch are all the same.

Angry Customer: Look where your assistant nearly cut my throat. Head Barber: By jove, that was a close shave.

Smith: I lent Brown a large amount last week, and now I have to avoid him.

Robinson: But why do that when you have lent him your money? Smith: He bought a car with it.

“Do you know,” said the young student of the agriculture college to an old farmer, “your methods of cultivation are a hundred years behind the times? Why,” he went on, looking around him. “I’d be surprised if you made £lO out of the oats in that field.”

“So would I,” smiled the farmer, “It’s barley.” \

On a certain plantation a workman loved ease and fishing. When he wasn’t fishing he was loafing. One night there was heavy rain and the next morning all the low places on the plantation were flooded two feet deep. Passing the workman’s cabin, the owner found his man seated in an easy-chair fishing In a puddle of muddy water.

“Here, Henry, you old fool,” said the owner, “what are you doing?” “Boss,” said Henry, “I’m fishin’.” “Well, don’t you know there are no fish there?”

“Yes, I knows that. But this ’ere place is so handy!”

“Tell me, Miss Mary —is it a good novel you are reading?” Mary’s unenterprising admirer asked diffidently. “Not particularly,” said the exasperated Mary. “It’s about a beautiful girl in love with a man —but the numbskull can’t see it.”

Son: My teacher has never seen a horse.

Father: What makes you think that?

Son: Well, I did a drawing of a horse at school to-day and he asked me what it was. ,

Golfer: Are you laughing at me, caddie?

Caddie: No, sir. I was laughing at that other gentleman. Golfer: Well, what is there funny about him? Caddie: Well, he plays golf awfu’ like you, sir.

Householder (disturbed ih the early hours of the morning: Who’s there? Burglar (with great presence of mind): This is station 2ZX calling. The experimental programme is now concluded. Good-night everybody.

Annoyed Guest (to hotel proprietor) : I left my boots outside my door last night and they have not been touched.

“That’s nothing,” came the devastating reply. “You could leave your gold watch outside your door and it wouldn’t be touched.”

Glibb: You were not at the party on Monday night. Mrs. John made a great hit with the flute. Bibb: I was wondering where John got the black eye.

Tourist: What a quaint little town you have. Truly, one half of the world is ignorant of how the other half lives.

Inhabitant: Not in this village, sir; not ’ere, sir.

What does your husband do for a hobby?” “Well, he’s been writing a novel for the past couple of months.” “How foolish! Why, you can buy one for two or three shillings.”

Mr. Newwealthy: That sundial 1 bought is a fraud. Mrs. N. What’s the matter with it? Mr. N. It won’t work inside with the electric light on.

Landlady: You’ve been here two months and you haven’t paid me a shilling.

Boarder: If I’d known that was all you wanted I’d have paid you long ago.

Cohen’s wife discovered him kissing the pretty maid. . “I’m surprised, Abe,” she said. “No, my dear,” Abe replied, “I’m surprised; you are astonished.”

Mrs. Gadd: The new family next door to you must be purty well off; they’re got a pianer. Mrs. Gabb: Go along! They don’t own it. It’s hired.

“How dye know?” “By the way they bang on it. Why, I’ve seen two of them playing on it at once.”

Judge: Why did you strike this man like that? Prisoner: That was the only way I knew of hitting him.

Old Moneybags was told that his favourite nephew was ill in hospital and badly needed cheering up. So he thought for a while, then suggested: “Here's a good idea —tell him that I, too, am very sick and not expected to live.”

“My man,” said the patronising friend, as he handed him a cigar, “that’s something like a cigar!” “Yes,” responded the victim after he had taken a puff or two, “but what really is it?”

A famous banker was seated next to a woman from a small town in the West. He attempted to make conversation.

“I’ve have been busy with my own personal affairs,” he said, “that I have never found the time to study many subjects which appeal to me. For instance, I can’t even tell you what makes that electric lamp glow.” ‘How peculiar!” said his companion, with a patronising air. “You simply press the button, and there it is!”

“Don’t you miss your husband very much now he is away?” “Oh, no! At breakfast I just stand his newspaper up in front of a plate, and half the time I really forget he isn’t there.”

“Did you know that when a man has prominent eyes it is a sign that he is inquisitive?”

“No. I suppose when a chap has black eyes it is a sign that he has been inquisitive.”

She: You never hear of young women cashiers running off with their employer’s money. He: Not often, but when it does happen they do the job properly. They take the employer, too.

Little Isadore got a brand-new tenshilling note for his birthday. Going to the local chemist he had the note changed into sixpences and shillings. Then he went across the street to the grocer and got a ten-shilling note for the change. He repeated this several times. Finally his father called him to account for his strange actions, and .Isadore explained: “Why do I keep changing that note? Veil, sooner or later somebody is going to make a mistake, and it ain’t going to be me.”

An interview was sought by a London playwright with an actress known for her caustic wit. The playwright was an unabashed Cockney. He wanted to show the actress a play he had just completed and in which he hoped she might consent to take the principal part. She sat in silence while he read the script. When he had finished he looked up, expecting some word of approval. The actress said nothing. “Ahem!” said the dramatist at length. “I’m afraid my play seemed rather long to you?” “Long? Well, rather!” drawled the actress. “It took you two hours to read it —without the h’s.”

Champion Borrower: When I returned Mr. Smith’s mower with the broken blade he swore!

Wife: We don’t want that sort of thing to occur again, dear. You’d better borrow next time from the

vicar

On the verandah of a seaside hotel a visitor approached, in the dark, the spot where a girl was sitting with an adoring youth. As he neared the pair he heard the girl say:— “Aren’t the stars beautiful tonight? I love to sit and look at the stars on a night like this and think about scie'nce. Science is so interesting, so wonderful; don’t you think so? Now take astronomy. Astronomers are such wonderful men! I can understand how they have been able to figure out the distance to the moon and to all the other planets, and the size of the sun, and how fast it travels. But how in the world do you suppose they ever found out the right names of all those stars?”