IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXVIII, Issue 4606, 6 October 1934, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Old Lady: But how is it your clothes are so ragged down the right side?

Tramp: That's the side the motors pass, lidy.

"Daddy, I should like to marry grannie."

"But I couldn't let you marry my mother." "Well, why not? You married mine."

Mr. Staylate: Do you know w Miss Sharp, that music quite carries me away? Miss Sharp: Isn't that lovely? Do let me play to you! Good Samaritan: Hullo! Need any assistance? Motorist: Yes. Just answer my wife's questions while I am u'nderneath, will you? A boy six years old asked his mother how old she was. Mother: About 30. Why? Boy: My teacher must be much older than you, because she has been telling us to-day all about Noah and the flood. She must have been there at the time, or she would not have known so much about it.

Mrs. Snaggs: Did I understand you to say Mrs. Perkins is interested in business? Mrs. Bitters: Yes. "What business is she interested in?" "Everybody's." John was tinkering in the garden. "Come in to your tea," called his wife. "There's toast and eggs, kippers and ham." "You're kidding me," said John, as he entered. "No, John, it's only the neighbours I'm kidding," replied his wife. Jane: I want to give notice, ma'am. Mistress: Why, whatever is wrong, Jane? "Well, M'm, I 'aven't minded Miss Veronica using my fingers as glove stretchers, nor putting the master's new boots on to make room for 'is corn, but I ain't a-going to sit on the family Bible for two hours to press leaves for young Master Eric, nor nobody."

"Here's one name on the committee that I never heard of." j "Oh, that's probably the person who actually does the work!"

Mrs. A.: Shall I ask the cook for references? Mr. A.: No, get her to submit samples.

Head Waiter: Did you order ham and eggs? Patient Customer: No, I humbly requested them.

Dolly: Please Miss Sharp, mamma wants to know if you really left your songs at home. Miss Sharp: Yes, dear. Why? "Well, papa says it sounds too good to be true."

A Chinese tourist was asked his name by a Customs official. "Sneeze," replied the Oriental. The customs officer stared at him. "Is that your native name?" he asked.

"No," the Chinese said, "I had it translated into English.' ' "Then let's have your native name," persisted the officer. "Ah Cho," replied the other.

Wife (displaying an evening dress of a rather alarming design): Look, dear, I got this at a ridiculously low price. The backless gown, you know; it's going out. Husband: It's not going out with me, my dear.

Lawyer: What is your gross income? Witness: I have a net income. I'm in the fish business.

A child of rich parents saw half a dozen ragged infants streaming across the street in front of her car. "Poor little children," she reflected. "I s'pose they've got no nurses —only mothers."

"Madam," shouted the angry neighbour, "that confounded boy of yours has just thrown a brick through our conservatory!" "I wonder if you would let rnehave the brick, please," begged Tommy's fond mother. "We are keeping all the little mementoes of his youthful pranks. They'll be so interesting when he grows up."

Tourist (inquiring at historic castle): Can I see the antiquities to-day? Servant: I am afraid not, sir. The mistress and her daughter have gone to tow*n! Eddie: I told your father that I couldn't live without you. Angie: What did he say? "He offered to pay all funeral expenses.' '

"I called to see your father this afternoon," remarked Charlie, as he took a seat in the parlour. Dora fluttered visibly. Recovering herself with an apparent effort, she said simply: "Did you?" "Yes," replied Charlie. "He has been owing our firm a little account for a long time."

Jack: Mabel's a smart girl. Doris: How's that? "I tried to steal a kiss and it landed on her chin." "Nothing smart about that." "I know, but after I kissed her she said, 'Heaven's above.'"

"Mummy, do angels fly?" "Why, yes, darling, of course they do." "Well, mummy, papa said that nurse was an angel. When will she fly?" "To-morrow, my dear," Smith: Do the people next door borrow much from you? Jones: Borrow! Why, I feel more at home in their house than in my own. "Well," said the bride of three months, "how do you like my cake, dear?' ' "I was just wondering," said the young husband, awkwardly, "how such light, tiny hands could make such a great, big, heavy cake." "Dae ye speak to McKie?" "No; I always steer clear of anyone sharper than mysel'." "Hoo dae ye ken he's sharper than ye?"

"He once had a chance tae marry my wife and didn't."

"Freddy," said the teacher, "you have spelt the word 'rabbit' with two 't's.' You must leave out one of them."

"Yes, Miss," replied Freddy, "which one?' '

Mrs. Jones had been looking at the shop windows, and as it was nearing tea-time thought she would be in time for a cup of tea at Mrs. Smith's, where she was not very welcome. Seeing the kettle on the hob, she said, "I see I'm just in time for a cup of tea; the kettle is singing on the hob." "Take no notice of our kettle, Mrs. Jones," said Mrs. Smith, "it sings for hours before it boils."

"Tommy," asked his stingy uncle, "how would you feel if I were to give you a penny?"

"I think," replied Tommy, "that I'd feel a little faint at first, but I'd try to get over it."

Old Lady (to man selling shoe laces): Are you married? The Man: Do you think I'd be doing this job if I'd got a wife at home to keep me?

A schoolmistress asked a child what "S-e-e" spelt. The child hesitated. "What do I do when I look at you?" said the mistress. "Thquint," replied the scholar.

"Johnny, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion?" "Yes, sir. Attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man to the ground, and the attraction of cohesion prevents him getting up again."

A man, observing a carter, a friend of his, shedding tears, inquired: "What's the matter, John?" ( "Oh, Sandy, mon, ma mither's deed," sobbed the carter. "Is that a'—l was feared it had been yer horse!"