IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXVII, Issue 4460, 21 October 1933, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Paragraph in a newspaper: “On Thursday I lost a gold watch I immediately inserted an advertisement in your “Lost and Found” column and waited. Yesterday I went home and found the watch in the pocket of another suit. God bless your paper.” Arabella (to bosom pal) : Oh, my, what a beauty of a coat, and just the latest fashion!! What, may I ask, did that cost you? Clara: Just one-eleven-three. Arabella: Nonsense! One pound eleven shillings— Clara: Oh, no! One big tiff, eleven little sulks, and three good cries! “Now, den,” said the coloured evangelist, “am dey anybody else in de congregation what wishes to be prayed for?” “Yessuh,” replied a female voice. “Ah wishes you would pray for ma husband. He’s always givin’ his money away.” “Indeed, Ah will, sister,” exclaimed the evangelist. “Ah’ll pray for a whole congregation jes ’like him!” Mistress: Jane, what time did the master come in last night? Jane: Dunno, mum, but when I came down this morning his overcoat was still swingin ’on the ’all stand! Old Lady (at seaside): Can’t something be done for that ship in distress? Lifeboat Sailor: It’s all right, mum. We have sent a line to the crew to come ashore. Old Lady (excitedly): Good gracious! Must they have a formal invitation? Here lies the remains of a radio fan Now mourned by his many relations, He went to the gasworks smoking a fag, And was picked up by twenty-one stations. Mrs. Smith: Has your son started at his hair-cutting job yet, Mrs. Evans? Mi*s. Evans: Yus, he started yesterday an’ when he’d finished the first gennelman’s head, the gennelman said “Good Evans!” HEARTLESS. Dr. Swagger and Miss Simple were at dinner. “So you write poems, Doctor?” she said. “A little, just to kill time,” was the reply. “Why,” asked the lady, “have you no patients?” THE CELEBRATION. Tramp: Lady, have you a piece of cake handy, to give to a poor man who hasn’t had a bite of anything for two days? Lady: Cake? Why, isn’t bread good enough for you? Tramp: Ordinarily, yes, ma am, but this is my birthday, and I want to celebrate a little. SIMPLE EXPLANATION. “John,’ said the housewife to her husband, “while I’m out I want thee to paint the mangle. It’ll keep thee out of mischief.” She returned some hours latm\ and was surprised to find he wasn’t in the scullery. “Where are you?” she asked. “Upstairs, Maggie,” came the reply- “ What are ye doin’ up there?” she demanded. “Paintin’ mangle, of course,” replied hubby. “But what are you paintin’ mangle upstairs for?” Maggie continued. “Well, because the paint was up here, lass,” explained John. INDSPUTABLE. A woman inquired of a negro porter the time of the train to Chicago. She then went to a white man and asked him. The porter went to the white man afterwards and said with a smile: “Perhaps she will believe it, now she has got it in black and white.” MISUNDERSTOOD. “I have a little gadget which opens all my letters in a very efficient manner,” remarked Bilton at a family gathering. “You wretch!” cried his wife, “I’ll teach you to call me a gadget.” HER REASON. Stella: If wishes came true, what would you wish for? Herbert: Oh, if only I dared tell you! Stella: Go on, then—what do you think I brought the subject of wishing for? GOOD TASTE. “Dearest, will you marry me?” “No, Horace; but I shall always admire your taste.” WARNED. Mother-in-law: I wonder why George is so late home to-night? Daughter: I can’t imagine, mother. And I telephoned and told him yov were here, too.

BROUGHT TO MIND. The big man, who had just been introduced to one of his host’s guests, stood staring blankly at him for some time. “You know, sir,” he said after a while, “you look like a man I’ve seen somewhere before. Your face seems very familiar; you must have a double. Strangely enough, I remember I formed a strong dislike for the man who looked like you, but I don’t remember having met him socially.” The other guest smiled. “Yes, I think I’m the man you mean,” he replied. “I passed round the plate for two years at the church you attended.” NASTY. A couple of neighbours were leaning over the back fence, exchanging gossip, as ladies will. “My husband,” remarked one, “says he always does better work when he is thinking of me.” “Yeah! I notice,” responded the other, “that he made a very good job of beating the carpets.” CAREFUL MOTHER. While a young mother was bathing her baby a neighbour’s little girl came in and watched the process. The child was holding a doll minus an arm and leg, and much knocked about generally. “How long have you had your baby?” she asked the mother. “Three months.” “My, but you’ve kept her nice!” exclaimed the little girl. CRUSHING. He (at seaside) : You know, I was down here once as a kid. She: Really? I was down here last year, too. A MOVING PICTURE. Mae: Are ye fond of moving pictures, Jean? Jean: Ay, Mac. Mac: Then maybe, lass, ye’ll help me get half a dozen frae the attic. A NEW THEORY. “Daddy, are you still growing taller?” “No, sonny, of course not. Why?” “Well, the top of your head is poking up through your hair.” Dolly: How is your son getting on —the one who was such a clever ventriloquist? Polly: ’E’s doin’ very nicely; ’e’s in a bird shop sellin’ parrots. “Were you in the debating team?” “N-n-no. T-t-they s-s-said I w-w-wasn’t t-t-tall enough. “Let me see,” said the young man thoughtfully, “I’ve got to buy some flowers and some chocolates and theatre tickets and ” “Doing mental arithmetic?” asked his friend. arithmetic,” sighed the young man. AGREEMENT. “Honest, now, do you like Sadie?” “Well, she’s got a good heart, and she means well.” “Neither do I.” BEAU-TIFUL. A gallant old gentleman had allowed two girls to shelter under her umbrella during a sudden downpour. “How kind it was of him to let us share his gamp,” said one of the girls later. “It certainly was,” said her friend. “One doesn’t often meet such politeness these days. He was one of Nature’s shining lights.” “Yes,” said the first readily, “quite a rain-beau.” A MEAN TRICK. Client: This dress doesn’t fit. It is the third dress you have spoiled for me. Dressmaker: Does that mean that madame will take her custom elsewhere? “Yes. But I shall send my friends to you.” ENTOMOLOGY. First Little Girl: My daddy always says that mummy’s a butterfly! Second Little Girl: Well, my daddy says my mummy’s a moth, the way she goes through his clothes. EXPECTED TOO MUCH. The Smithsons went away for their annual summer holiday and gave Jane, their maid, a month’s wages and an allowance for board. On their return, four weeks later, Jane demanded further wages. Mrs. Smithson was naturally horrified. “Gracious Jane,” she exclaimed, “this is monstrous! You already get better pay than most of the girls in the town. Why, you’ve only just had a holiday with full wages! You should consider yourself very fortunate.” “That’s just it,” said Jane. “You paid me that money for doing nothing, so it isn’t fair to expect me to do all the work now for the same wages.”