IN LIGHTER VEIN.

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXIII, Issue 3092, 14 December 1929, Page 2

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Lady: I hear you’ve got at very industrious wife. Laundryman: Yes, mum; she s always finding me something to do.

“I want to order some flesh-co'oured stockings,” said the voice over the ’phone. ‘‘Yes, ma’am, and what kind will, you wantj—pink, yellow, copper or black?”

Felice: “The diamond in this engagement ring is awfully small. Henry: “I told the jeweller it was for the smallest hand in Eng.and. ’

Mary: “Another argument with youi husband What’s the trouble this time?”

Anne: “The same old thingl. In; right, and he won’t! agree with me. ’

Mr Flaphead: Yes, I’m jolly nervous. 1 don’t think Ive got the oouiage to propose to ai girl. Miss Coyly: Er—l’m not exactly a girl, you know.

First Youth : So you aren't going to marry that school teacher ? Second: No, I couldn’t show up one aighd, and she wanted me to bang a written excuse from my parents.

‘I haven’t seen your husband lor a long time.” “No, the sheep had loot aim mo <th disease, and he couldn’t g.-t out ”1 am sorry to hear that. ' Is ho better now?”

“I’m sure tenuis hasn’t, made flic s.ightest difference to my looks,” said she, defending the assertion ot some one who had said the game ruined a g.rl’s beauty, Ho (knowing nothing whatsoever about any such assertion) : “Well, why not try some other glume, dear ? ’

Husband: “Always thinking of youi wardrobe. Haven’t you any octtiei thought than of dress, dress, dress ’ Wife: “Yes, if only you would let me finish. I \vant a now hat and coat as well.”

After tlie collection had been taken the minister announced that, it amounted to ten pounds and three halfpence, and added sarcastically that there must bo a Scotsman in the church. Voice from roar: “Hoots, mon! There’s three of us.’’

She insisted hotly that, economy or no economy, she must have ai new frock, and he, with equal warmth, declined to produce, the cash. “I'll never speak to you again!” she hissed angrily. “How like a woman!” lie sighed. “When everything else fails, you try bribery!”

The conversation at the village inn was about the- newcomer, who had rented a cottage for the summer. “What is his business?” asked one of the company. “An oeeulist,” was the reply. “And what may that be?” persisted the inquiring one. ‘ Oh, well, an eye dentist.”

Bobby Brown wanted a pony—ind he had seen the pony in a near-by meadow. “What would happen if I stole that pony?” he asked his father. “You would g(et six months in prison,” was the reply. Bobby thought for a while, and then said: * “You wouldn’t forget to feed Jt while I was away, would you, father?” “My memory is excellent!” explained the oid lady. “But! there are time things I can never remember I can’t remember names; I can’t rememocr faces, and I can’t remember- I for get what the third thing is!” “Alabaster?” asked a o.mg woman. as the museum guide approached a statue. “No,” he replied, .vith ,a slight lifting of the brows, “Venus.” Bobble: “But why do you repot me Is there another fellow?” Bessie: “Possibly I Did you think you were the last of the species P”

A youth with at large moadi stalked into a music shop, to purchase a mouth organ. Ho was shown every make of mouilh organ in the shop 'nit still v.as not satisfied. “Look here,” said the assTstaait, “we. shall have to measure for one. Just try your mouth along fchi t s piano.”

Mhtorist: “Would you be good enough to look _after my car while l do a bit of business?” Townsman: “Sir! I am the mayor of this town!” Motorist: “That doesn’t matter. You seem to me an honest! man.”

She: “Did you see in the paper how some people were poisoned through, eating chocolates?” He: “I fancy I did, but what about it?” “Nothing, except that I was thinking how safe we are!”

Binks: “I wonder this rotten club doesn’t drive you to matrimony.” Jinks: “My dear sir, matrimony drove me to this club.”

-x woman entered a chemist’s .shop and said: “I want some distemper, please.” “Yes, madam,” replied the assistant, “what colour do you want?” “I don’t know,” said the woman, “but the dog’s a black and white one.”

Mr Moggs: “Making any progress towards getting acquainted with those fashionable people next door?” Mrs Moggs: “Just n little. Their cat invited our cat over to a little sing-song-last night.” »

Mr Newlywed: “If you were in my shoes, which would you prefer—boys or girls?” Mr Oldwed: “Boys! My daughters smoke my cigarettes 1”

Plumber: “l ! ve come to see vour old geyser iu the kitchen.” Child: “Mother, here’s a. man to see cook.’

Wife: “You siiould never take anything that doesn’t agree' with you.’’ Husband: “if 1 had always followed that rule, Maria, where would you be ?”

“I’m afraid your husband is beyond help,” said the doctor to the wile. “1 can ve no hope. “Here, you, eanae a voice from the bed, “I haven’t suutfed out yet.” “Keep yniot. dearie,” answered the wife. “laj.ivc it to tho doctor; he knows best.”

The small girl had been permitted to visit the vicar’s family and stay for dinner. Just as the clergyman had asked a- blessing and they were about to commence, the child said, “That isn't the way my daddy asks a, blessing.” “And how does your daddy ask a blessing?”' he asked. “Oh, he just says, ‘Good heavens, what a meal!’”

Sandy was engaged to a girl who, a few days before her nineteenth birthday, had her hair bobbed. All her girl friends congratulated her on her improved appearance, and it was tliereloro without any misgivings that she showed herself to her sweetheart. Put Sandy viewed her with grave disapproval. “It’s hard on me, lassie,” ho said, “vera hard. After I’ve just bought ye a packet o' hairpins for your birthday.”

“Have you beeu out of work long?” “Since the death of my mother.” “Has she been dead long ?” “She died atl my birth.” Me: You must economise I Think of the future. If I w T ei'e to die where would you be? She: I should be all right. The question' is—where would you be? Someone bus remarked: “If wives only knew what stenographers really think of their husbands, they would cease to worry.” He: Tlie weather always affects me; when the air’s mild, I feel mild; when it’s brisk, I feel brisk; when it’s She: How balmy the air is to-night 1 Solicitor: “i should advise you to write this man a nice polite note and see what happens.” Client: “AH right, I’ll do it. How do you spell ‘blackguard’ ?”