IN LIGHTER VEIN.

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXII, Issue 2613, 11 August 1928, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Magistrate: “Your falre seems familiar.” Prisoner: “We were boys together.” “Nonsense.” “Yes we were. You’re about fifty-two, and so am I.”

"They say it calms the feelings to let the eye rest on the distant horizon.” "That’s a fact. When I see a man to whom I owe money it always quiets mo to look steadily into the distance ”

“My wife is rearing Bobby very carefully. When he is disobedient he goes to bed without his dinner.” “Isn’t that rather severe?” “No; she always takes his dinner to him ”

“I hear that Jones is always setting traps for his wife.” “How awful! Jealousy, I suppose?” “No. micol”

An old fisherman was asked if there wero any fish in the stream by which he was sitting. “Well,” he replied gtrimly, “I can’t' really say. I’ve dropped them a line every day for a week, but as yet I’ve had no reply.”

Thompson: “Suppose a man should call you a fool, what would you do?” Smithson (hesitatingly): “What sizod man?”

A foreign pianist was engaged to act as accompanist to an aspiring amateur singer. The latter had bounding ambitions, but her technique was faulty. The defect became apparent at the first rehearsal. After the poor woman had flatted and flatted until she had flatted practically all her notes, the accompanist waved her to silence “Madam,’l he said, mournfully, “it is no use. I gif up der chob. I blay der black keys, I blay der white keys—und always you sing in der cracks 1”

"Oh, Mr Shimshaw,’ bupathed the enthusiastic young girl, “you do tell the most comical anecdotes of your experiences! Why don’t you write them and sell them to the funny papers?’’ “That’s where I get them,” answered Shimshaw; “it ain’t likely they’d buy them back.”

“Yes,” said a noted detective, “1 have seen a great many queer things m my experience.” “Discovered a good many gigantic frauds, I suppose?” ventured an admirer. “Well, I should say so,” was the reply. “Between you and tne, the most complete piece of deception I ever saw was a woman, young, pretty, and, I would have sworn, an angel.” “But she wasn’t?” “I should say not. She has a temper like a whirlwind, and when she gets wild th® very earth seems to shake.” “Good gracious! And how did you manage to discover her true character?” “Well, I——. Ahem I The fact is, I married her 1”

Judge: And are you the defendant? Rastus: No, suh, Jedge; All’s jus’ the man who stole tht chickens.

Mabel: “I was reading about your boy friend’s big engineering feat-” Joan: “Big feet or not, I like him I’’

Chauffeur: Madam, I believe the motor is missing.

Madam: Nonsense, James 1 Why, the car is moving. ,

Prospective enant: But, I say, there’s not room to swing a cat. Lodging Home .Proprietress; 1. don’t allow no cats, muni.

Caretaker: This room is supposed to be ’punted with a man in kilts. Prospective Tenant : I’ll soon get rid of him. I’ll fix up a collecting bos

“I have another lesson with my skating instructor this afternoon.” “Oh, another sitting

Little Joan : Looks like rain, Daddy Daddy (absently) ; Well, J.’et- it rain Joan: 1 was going to, Daddy.

“There is another non-slop driver 1” “What is that ” “Oh, just a fellow looking for a parking! place.”

It is announced that in a new r restaurant the air is to be changed every five minutes. Ventilators will do this —not the orchestra.

“I can readily write with eitliei hand.” “Really 1” “Yes, with the typewriter.”

At the Theatre: Yop can see he’s clever —how w T e!l lie’s imitating the radio.

“A Scotch friend has sent me liis picture.” “Is it a good one?” “I don’t know. I haven’t had it developed yet.”

Lady ; “I want to insert an advertisement offering reward to the finder of my ring.”

Clerk (absently): “Glassware or jewellery, column, Ma’am?”

“That was greedy of you, Tommy, to eat your little sister’s share of pie.” “You told me, mother, I was always to take her part,” replied Tommy.

Rufus: “Does y’all like greens?” Rastus: “We siiuah does! Mali wife’s out now seein’ kin she fin’ some of that golf kind Ah heard mail boss talkin’ about.”

A naturalist says that he lias found a little bird that is a delicate pink all over. Perhaps it is a certain littlo bird that is always repeating gossip and has at last had the grace to blush about ii f .

A bomb' exploded during a chess tournament, in South America the other day. An absorbed player remarked, that if members of the adienee wanted to sneeze they might at least go outside.

A teacher was endeavouring to explain to the .class how air is compressed, and for example wheeled his bicycle into the room. “Now,” he said, pointing to the front wheel, “underneath that outtr coyer there is a hidden force—can any of you tell me what it is?” “Ingyrubber!” suggested one smart lad. “No, try again.” There were several guesses made, but all of them incorrect. At- length a youngster who had been making a close inspection of the machine turned to the teacher. “I know what it is,” he said beamingly. “If* wind —pust wind. I’ve just stuck a pin it and it all came out.” The centipede was happy quite, Until the frog to him in fun Said, “Pray, whfcli leg comes after which?” And wrought his mind to such a pitch, He fell distracted in the ditch, Considering how to run. Mrs Small was annoyed. Her maid was always going out. “Sarah,” she said. “I cannot have you continually going out. Next Sunday you must stay at home.” “Oh, ma’am, but I promised my aunt to spend the afternoon with her.” It was just then that little Jackie chipped in. “Do lot her go, mum!” he said. “Her aunt has been made a sergeant, and lie’s got a new coat with stripes on l”

“Tough luck, old chap!. I heard all about the breaking off of your engagement to Pearl. What wa.s the trouble —the diamond?

“No,” sighed Reggie. “The diamond was all right.” “Neither Pearl nor the diamond?” the friend.

“No,” said Reggie, glumly. “ Neither Pearl no rthe diamond?” “No,” said Reggie, “it was the mother-of-pearl.”

N> “Is your kitchen small?” “Is it? Why, it’s so small we have to ust condensed milk.”

“Is it possible,” gasped, the indignant parent, “that you would dishonour my name on the boards of a theatre?”

“But, father,” returned the stagestruck youth, “I would take an assumed name.” “Indeed! And supposing you were to succeed, much credit I would get if no; one knew that i was your father!”

City Slicker: “What does your son do ?”

Parmer: “He’s a bootblack in the city.” City Slicker: “Oh, 1 see, you make hay whi.e the son shines.”

Pedestrian: What’s the shortest way to the emergency hospital?” Cop: “Just stand right where you are.”

“Does your new typist use the touch system?” “Well, she certainly didn’t buy that fur coat out of her wages.”

Sweet Sixteen: “Mother, I’m tired of .looking such a kid—couldn’t 1 have shorter frockst. now?”

Granddaughter (being lectured) : “J seem to have heard .that the girls ol your period ‘set their caps’ at men.” Disapproving Grandmother; “But not their knee-caps.”

A man in a letter to the Harrodsburg Herald claims that he is his own grandfather. His letter says: “1 married a widow with a grown daughter. My father, a widower, married my step-daughter, thus becoming my son-in-law, and his wife, formerly my stepdaughter, became my stepmother uiso. My wife also became my grandmother, grandmother is called granddad, I must be my own grandfather.”

Barnum: “Too bad about that lion tamer, isn’t it?” Bailey: “Plow’s that?” Barnum: " He's so swelled up over his press notices that he can’t get his head in the lion's mouth.”

.A novelist) was chatting with his publisher. “By the way, where did you .get the plot of your second novel r 1” asked the latter. “Fronr the film version of the first,” was the .reply.