IN LIGHTER VEIN.

King Country Chronicle, Volume XX, Issue 2062, 3 January 1925, Page 3

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

‘Passerby: How’s the fishing? Boy: Just good enough for one. • * % * * Ho servants?” ‘‘No, isf 1 thought I saw “Oh, we have BHHHHBHHpremise.s a day or two |BBHH|HHFive don’t keep them.” „ ‘ I hear tiiab your daughter a struggling young man.” : “Yes, he did struggle, but Ke couldn’t got away.” * * * x * “D’ye ken, this wireless, Bob, is just liUe the rows me an’ ma missus hae. “How’s that, Jock?” “Words <wev , naothing, Bob.” * * * * * She (after spending the' evening with neighbours): “I tlnnk the.. are an ideal eoup e—they tlnnk alike about everything.” He: “Yes, but 1 notice alio always * * * * * -Are the Judsons happily married ” “They seem to enjoy dancing with each other.” * * * * * Hobbs: “1 was hypnotised once.” Dobbs: “I’m a married man, too. ***** Disconsolate One: “I wish 1 were dead ’ ’ Consoler: “Why? Can’t you marry her—or did you?” * * * * * Tourist: “Bother* We've climbed to the tjop of the mountain to see the view u-iul we'vo forgotten the glasses. Scottish Guide: “Osh, never mind, there’s nobody abuot. YYe can juhh drink oot o’ the bottle. ***** A waiter scored of!' a bullying guest rather ueatly. This peppery person complained of everything the poor man did, and finally bawled out, “Have you lie brains, mail.” There was a twinkle in 11 10 waiter’s eyo as he answered: “Not on the menu, sir.” ***** The Mayor hurried into the gathering a:id exclaimed, apologetically, I am sorry to have kept you waiting, but I have been addressing a hoard meeting.” . “| can qjme believe that it was, .said a voice from the crowd. * * * * * Angry Visitor: I call this a downright swindle You advertise on your bills The Most Remarkable Dwarf in the World, and he turns out to be five feet five inches high. Bland Showman: Exactly, sir. That; s what’s so remarkable about him. He’s the tallest dwarf on record. * * * * * Tommy: “Teacher, can anyone be punished for something they didn’t do ” Teacher: “Why, no, of course not.’ Tommy: “Well, I haven’t done my arMnnetic.” * * * * ->:■ C duel tiding sentence from a North Umdon school boy’s esay on tho Duke of Wellington: “And when tho Duke died he had a lovely funeral, and it took eight men to carry the beer.” * * -* * * Jf you wtfald win a girli’e band Don’t follow her each day You’ll find la is a better plan To go the other way. Don’t over burn the midnight oil, For that won’t bring success— Just practise rubbing other janes, And yours will soon say “Yes.” ***** On a sulwy summer day, when thunder and hail showers had prevailed early in the morning, a wedding party came to the church from a distant parish. When the register was being signed the. vicar asked the bridegroom : “Have you had any hail this morning ?” The man blushed and hesitated, but at length replied : “Well, air, we did just have a glass a-piece before we started.” ***** A GOOD SHOT. A certain dear old lady always made in her business to visit the poor patients in the hospital. On one occasion she approached a much bandaged individual who was sitting up- in bed, and after a little preliminary hulk she said to him, very sympathetically, "T suppose your wife must miss ydu a good deal “No, mum,” came the prompt reply; “she’s got a wonderful aim for a woman.” ***** “1 am rich,” he said. “If you marry me, my money, my motor cars, my yacht, my houses, everything will be yours.” “Fine!” she exclaimed delightedly. Then her brow clouded. “BuT how will you do?” site asked. ***** Even to smile at the unfortunate is to do an injury.—Gyrus the Great. The conscience is the most elastic material in the world. To-day you cannot stretch it over a molehill; 'ttomorruiw it hides a mountain.—Chineso maxim. ***** LIGHTNING ARITHMETIC. The Court was lost in the maze of arguments produced by counsel for the defence, and at last the Judge intervened. “I think,” he said, “it will bo better if you do noti pursue that matter any further. You might as well attempt to prove to the Court that two and two do not make four.” “I can do that quite easily,” said the barrister, with a smile. “Two and two make twenty-two.” ***** One morning an employer who had been bearing many unfavourable reports about one of liis clerks, called the man into bis private office. “1 hear you are a clock-watclier,” fie said sternly. “Is it true tliup when the clock strikes five you put down your pen and go home, even if you are in the middle of a word?” “Certainly nofc, sir,” replied the clerk, indignantiy, ‘certainly not. If it gets as near five as that I never beI giu another word at all.”