Wise and Otherwise.

King Country Chronicle, Volume VIII, Issue 713, 17 October 1914, Page 7

Wise and Otherwise.

— "You mustn't tear tho book like that." "How must I do it,' then, daddy?" **. # * * Flippant Cockney (to countryman): "Are there many fools in this part of the world, my lad." "Yokel: Not as some like?" * * * * * Brown (impatiently): "Why don't you marry that girl? She is a real pearl." Jones (darkly): "That may be, but I don't like 'mother-of-pearl.' " * # * * » Marks: "Say, old man, did I ever tell you about the awful fright I got on my wedding day?" Parks: "S-sh-h! No man should speak that way of his wife !" ••* * * * "What brought you here?" asked the prison chaplain. "Youth," said the convict, sadly. "Youth ? Why you look quite fifty." "Not my youth, sir; my lawyer's." * * * « * She (concerned about her mother's health): "Don't you think mother should have a change? I don't like her looks at present." The Brute (heartily) : "I never did." • * * She: "They held a mirror over her face to see if she was alive. I don't understand that." He: "Why, you see, if she Vns alive she'd open her eyes and loci: in it." * * * "Has Willie Giggs a responsible position?" asked one girl. "Yes," replied the other, "in one way. Every time his employer rings a bell he's expected to respond." • • * * * "I can't understand it." "What?" "In winter-time my husband can't get home to supper before 10 o.'cloclc, but in summer he's always at the cricket ground at' seven." * * * # * Miss Passe (hopelessly): "No, I don't think that I can ever learn to ride a bicycle." Miss Up-to-date; "Oh, nonsense! • Cato learnt Greek at 80, so don't be discouraged."' ♦ ##'## "What're ye comin' home with your milk-pail empty for?" demanded the farmer. "Didn't the old cow give anything?" "Yess," replied his boy; "nine quarts and one kick." *** ; * * Guide (taking a party round a big college) : "And this is the examination room." One of the Party: "Why, it smells like a churchyard." Guide: "Yes; many hopes lie buried here." .** * * * "I hear you actually encourage your boy to send 1 poetry to the magazines. Do you want our son to become a poet?", "No; I. merely want him to get the conceit knocked out of him." ***** "Were you nervous when you proposed to your wife?" asked the sentimental person. "No," replied Mr. Meek, 'but if I could have foreseen the next ten years I would have been." # * # * # "English is a funny language, after all." "Why so?" "I Heard a man talking of a political candidate the other day say: 'lf he only ,takes this stand when he runs, he'll have a walkover.' " # # * * » The Suitor: "I am going to marry your sister, Johnny, but I know I am not good enough for her." The Little Brother: "That's what Sis says, but ma's been telling her she can't do any better;" • • » # * Village Constable (to villager who has been knocked down, by passing motor-cyclist) : "You didn't see the number, but could you swear to the man?" Villager: "I did, but I don't think he heard me." • * # * * "A man has invented a way of compressing a large meal into the space of half a crown." "That's good, but " "But what?" "What we really want is the > price of a large meal compressed, into a coin the size of a sixpence." * * » * » "So you committed this burglary quite unassisted—no accomplices?" ..asked a Judge. "Not one, my Lord," replied the prisoner; "it is a risky thing to have a pal in my profession. I can never be sure whether he is honest or not." # * » * * "Pardon me," said the lady on amarketing expedition, "but are these eggs fresh-laid?" "Absolutely, madam," replied the grocer, promptly. The farmer I purchased those eggs from won't allow his hens to lay them any other way." « * # * * "Pshaw!" scornfully ejaculated the fond mother. "What do you know about babies?" "Very little," humbly acknowledged the bachelor who had ventured an opinion, "except that some years ago I had considerable practice at being one." * « * * ♦ Old Lady (who sleeps badly): "Now, Mary, if I should want to light my candle, are the matches there?" Mary: "Yes, ma'am, there's one." Old Lady: "One! Why, if it misses fire, or won't light?" Mary: 'Oh, no fear of that, ma'am. Sure I tried it!" * * « *. * ... He was seeking lodgings, and the landlady at No. 21 was showing him over the house. "This is the bedroom," she said; "very nice and airy, and this is the bathroom." Then noticing the look of astonishment on the listener's face, she added: "Of course, if you ever did want a bath, I could find a fresli place for the coal."- " "' i-.'.