THE SERENADE.

King Country Chronicle, Volume VI, Issue 493, 21 August 1912, Page 7

THE SERENADE.

ARTEMUS WARD AND THE BRASS BAND. As several of our public men are constantly being surprised with serenades, I concluded I'd be surprised in the same way, (said Artemus Ward,) 50 I made arrangements according. [ asked the brass band how much they'd take to take me entirely bysurprise with a serenade. They said they'd overwhelm me with a unexpected honour for seven dollars, ,vhich I accepted.

I wrote out my impromptoo speech severil days beforehandi, bein vevy careful to expunge all ingrammatticisms and payin particuler attention to the punktooation. It was, if I nay say it without egitism, a manly jfiort ; but alars ! I never delivered it, as the sekel will show you. I paced up and, down the kitchin speaking my piece over so as to be cn tirely perfect. My bloomin yo:indaughter, Sarah Ann, bothered me summut by singia, "Why do summer roses fade ?"

"Because," said I, arter hearin' her sing it about fourteen times, "because it's their biz ! Let 'em fad 3!" "Betsy," said I, pausin ia the niddle of the room and lettin my eagle eye wander from the maiv.iicrip—"Betsy, on the night of tV.is here serenade, I • desires you to appear in the winder dressed in white, and wave a lily white handkerchcr. D'ye hear ?

•'lf I appear," said that remarkible female, "I shall wave a white bucket of bilin hot water aiil somebody will be scalded. One baldheaded old fool will get his share." She referred to her husband. No doubt about it in my mind. But for fear she might exasperate mc I said Qothin. The expected night cum. At iftne o'clock precisely there was sounds of footsteps in the yard, and the band struck up a lively air which when they did finish it, there was ;ries of '"Ward ! Ward !" I stept out onto the portico. A brief glance showed me that the assemblage was summut mixed. There was a great many ragged boys, and there was juite a number of grown-up persons, jvidently under the influence of the intoxicatin bole. The band was alsc drunk. Dr. Schwazey, who was holdin up a post, seemed to be partie'ly drunk, so much so that it had got into his spectacles, which were staggering wildly over his nose. But I was in for it and I commenced '''Feller Citizens —For . this onexpected honor — Leader of the band—Will you give us our money now, or wait till you get through ?" To this painful a nd disgustin interruption I paid no attention. —"For this onexpected honor, I thank you." Leader of the baud —But you said you'd give us seven dollars if we'd play two choons." Again I didn't notice him, but resumed as follows :

"I say, I thank you warmly. When I look at this crowd of true Americans, my heart swells —" Dr. Schwazey—"So do I !" A voice—"We all do. !" " —my heart swells —" A voice—"Three cheers for the 'swells.' "

"We live," said I, "in troublous times, but I hope we shall again resume our former proud position, and 50 on in our glorious career !" Dr. Schwazey—"l'm willing for one to go on in a glorious career ! Will you join me,, fellow citizens, in a glorious career ?" What wages does a man get for a glorious career when he finds himself?"

"Dr. Schwazey," 'said I sternly, you are drunk. You're disturbin the meetin.

Dr. S.—'"Have you a banquet spread in the house ? I should like a rhynossyross on the half shell, or a hippopotamus on toast, or a horse and waggon roast whole. Anything ;hat's handy. Don't put yourself out on me account."

At this point the band began tc make hidyous noises with their brass horns, and an exceedingly ragged toj wanted to know if there was not tc be some vittles afore the concern broke up ? I didn't exactly know what to do, and was just on the point of doin it, when a upper winder suddenly opened and a stream of hot water was bro't to bear on the disorderly crowd, who took the hint and retired at once.

When I am taken by surprise with another serenade. I shall, among other arrangements, have a respectful company on hand. So no mere from me to-day. When this you sac, remember me.