Varieties.

King Country Chronicle, Volume III, Issue 109, 23 November 1908, Page 3

Varieties.

Cis: See if you can find the man in this p'cture puzzle, aunt. Spinster Aunt: It's useless for me to attempt it; I've been trying to find a man for thirty two years. Riding in an omnibus up Regent street recently, iai old lady annoyed the other her remarks. The conductor with her, saying, "Ma'am, iTMit-niber you are in a public vehicle, behave as such." "Did your grandfather live to a green old age?' - was the query put up by a girl to a young fellow. "Well, I should think so! He was swindled three times after he was seventy!" replied her sweetheart. The Heiress: But, why should I marry you? I don't love you. Her Suitor: Oh, that,s r.ll right; I shan't be at home very much, you know! MrsMugins: My husband is a perfect crank. Mrs Bugins: All husbands are, my dear. Mrs Mugins: But, fancy a man who complains that my mustard plasters are not as strong as those his mother used to make! "What makes the milk so warm?" said Betty to the milkwoman when she brought her pails to the door one morning. "Please, ma'am, the pumphandle is broke, and, missus took the water from the biler." Proud Owner of New Cottage: I've been wondering what creepers to .. put on the cottage. What do you think best, John? John: Well, sir, one of them Virginians would cover it up the quickest. Mrs Eastend: You'll not find me difficult to suit, Nora. Nora (the new maid): I'm sure not, ma'am; I saw your husband as I came in, ma'am. "Then this," asked the rejected suitor "is absolutely final?" "Quite!" was the calm reply. "Shall I return your letters?" "Yes, please," answered the young man. "Theres some very good material in them I can use again." "What you want is a stenographer who is rapid and absolutley accurate". "Well," answered Mr Bliggins, "rapidity is all right, but as to accuracy—well, I don't want to be held down strictly to. my own ideas of grammar." "Your husband says he works like a dog," said one woman. "Yes, it'e very similar," replied the other. "He comes in with muddy feet, and makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed." She: It's my doggie's birthday, and I have given him a nice new collar. What will you give him? He (resentful of Fido's rivalry): I don't think I can do better than supplement your gift by giving him a kick. "Oh, ma," she cried, rushing into the kitchen, and flinging her arms around the parental neck, "he loves me!" My dear child, I am so glad. Has he told you? Has he asked you to be his wife?" "No, but he's in the parlor learning to play chess with pa." "You ask was I lonely when I was cast away on the Pacific?" repeated the weather-worn traveller with feeling. "Well I tell you straight that I was so desolate that I pulled up a little jelly-fish, and before I got off that island I'd taught him to sit up and beg." Little Johnny, having in his possession a couple of bantam hens, which laid very small eggs, suddenly hit upon a plan. Going next morning to the fowl run, Johnny's father was surprised to find an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, and above it a card with the words: "Keep your eye on this, and do your best."