JUST NONSENSE

Hauraki Plains Gazette, Volume XXXXII, Issue 2803, 20 November 1931, Page 4 (Supplement)

JUST NONSENSE

“ 4 LITTLE LAUGHTER NOW. AND THEN—” Did you hear about the gent who went into a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber soaked him for the job and the man complained. “ Well, sir,” replied the barber, “ there’s extra labour in shaving a man these days. What with the general depression and the universal tightening up of money, gents’ races are longer than they were. s£* ♦ • It was his first job and it was in a bookshop. His first customer was a worried looking man who finally bought a volume entitled “ Stories for all Occasions.” The next day the customer returned the book in disgust. “ It’s a fake,” he said. “ There’s nothing to tell a man what to say to his wife when he arrives home at 2 a.m.” * * ♦ ♦ “ Waiter,” said the customer, after waiting "15 minutes for his soup, “ have you ever been to the Zoo ? ” “No, sir.” “ Well, you ought to go; you’d enjoy seeing the turtles whizz past yju! ” * * * * Mistress (to new Cook): How long^- ; do you boil eggs, Mary? They were a little too hard this morning. Modern Kitchen Queen: Until I smoke a cigarette, ma’am, and some burn slower than others. * * * • Pa: Do you know why I am going to spank you, Tommy? Tommy: ’Cos I’m small. If I was as big as you and that man as called you names last night, you wouldn’t touch me. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Just as a tramcar started two women rushed from opposite sides of the street, only to meet and greet each other in the middle of the track. The car stopped, but they paid no attention to the clanging signal. At last the driver leaned over the front of the car and said in his sweetest tones: “ Pardon me, ladies. But may the conductor and I bring you out two chairs,” * • • ♦ Newedd: I'm afraid we’re going to find it hard to get coal. Mrs Newedd: Oh, dear! Ido wish they’d plant larger crops in the coal fields! $ * * * Lady: I didn’t know your little boy wore glasses, Mrs Smith ? Mrs Smith: Well, yer see, miss, they belonged his pore father, and I thought it would be a pity to waste them. The party was in progress. One of those outspoken brethren met the friend and gesturing toward a certain lady asked: “ Who’s that frump over there? ” The interrogated got his worst frown ready and said: “That’s my wife.” The gay questioner was ready: “Zatso? You ought to see mine.” ■K ♦ * * Teacher (to first new boy): What is your name? First Boy: Please, it’s Jule. Teacher: You must not say “ Jule,” say Julius. To next boy: And your name? Next boy: Bilious. * ♦ * ♦ Genial Friend: How are you, my dear sir, this inclement weather? Invalid (out for the first time): Oh, just managing to keep out of the undertaker’s hands. Genial Friend: Oh, sorry to hear that. * * * * As soon as she heard her husband insert his latch-key in the door, she rushed out into the hall to meet him. “ Mary gave me notice this morning,” she said. “ She told me that you had spoken most rudely over the telephone to her.” “ Good, heavens, my dear,” answered her husband, “ I thought I was speaking to you.” *♦* * * The doctor visited a sick Irishman. He advised the man’s wife to take her husband’s temperature and report it back to him. Later, when he returned, he inquired if she had followed his instructions. “ Yes, doctor, I borrowed a barometer and placed it on his chest. It said ‘Very dry,’ so I brought him a pint of beer and now he’s gone back to work.” „ , » A certain young man took a sweet young thing to church with him the other Sunday. When the collection was being taken up, the young gallant explored his pockets and finding them empty, whispered to his companion, “ I haven’t a penny, I changed my pants.” The girl friend searched her bag, blushed a rosy red when she found nothing and said, “ How awkward, “ I’m in the same predicament.” * • ♦ * Mother (catching her son at the cake): I’m surprised at you, Johnny! Johnny: So am I, Mummie. I thought you’d gone out. ♦ ♦ * * “ I hope,” said one wife to another, “ that you never nag your husband.” “ Only when he is beating the rugs,” said the second one. “ When he is thoroughly irritated he makes a much better job of it.” » « * * A lady visitor to a prison, in the course of a chat with a burglar, thought she detected signs of reform in him. “And now,” she said, “have you any plans for the future, on the expiration of your sentence ? ” “ Oh, yes, ma’am,” he said hopefully, “ I’ve got the plans of two banks and a post office.” * * * *> A mother said to her little boy, “ Please go and ask how old Mrs Jones is? ” The little boy ran off, and knocking at the neighbour’s door, said, “ Mummy wants to know how old Mrs Jones is?” When he returned his mother asked, “Well, what did she say ? ” “ She said it’s no business of yours,” said Tommy.