WIT AND HUMOUR.

Hawera & Normanby Star, Volume I, Issue 3, 21 April 1880, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOUR.

How strange it is that hot words produce a coolness. A man seeing the sign "Hands off," innocently asked if they had gone on a picnic. The Czar begins to feel like a target at a shooting tournament.

Charles Lamb remarked of one of his critics, " The more I think of him, the less I think of him."

Glass-eyes for horses are now so skilfully made that the animal himself cimnot tell the difference.

Professor Proctor alludes to the earth as a mere mustard seed. The Buffalo Express says that this is because it is not hot inside.

A Miss Nannie Williams has become the wife of Mr. Goat, of Sfcephensville, Texas. She is now Mrs Nannie Goat.

Lady (behind counter to cabman) — " Pair of gloves ? Yes ; what is your number ?" Cabman—" No. 1 93."

An exchange says " Napoleon loved a man who could lie." This accounts for his purchasing Lousiana from the Spaniards.

There may be men who would willingly search the Scriptures if they thought they could find anything to steal in them.

" Investigator" wants to know what is good for cabbage worms. Bless your soul, man, cabbages of course. A good plump cabbage will last several worms a week.

Burnside and Van Zandt having refused to go to Russia, Rhode Island's population is exhausted, and the other States will have a chance.

Laura (with novel) — " Oh, if this tale were only true, and I were the heroine!" Kate— "What! with her persecutions, her misery ?" Laura — " Ah, but then, dear, remember she does get a husband after all."

"Well, no, I'm not at all well. Something wrong internally. One of my organs out of order." Medicinal Friend (who will have his joke) — " That must be your barrel organ, then, old man."

" Man," says Victor Hugo, " was the conuradrum of the eighteenth century ; woman is the conumdrum of the nineteenth." An American editor adds : "We can't guess her, but will never give her vp — no; never !"

The Social Cup, January 1, 1880 — " Now, do have a cup of coffee, Mr. Smith." " No, thanks, I really could not; I've had fifty-one cups since I commenced calling, and I'm almost paralysed now."

" Keep a young man in chase of a pretty girl," says the Detroit Free Press, " and he will let whisky alone." Now, what are we to infer? That there are pretty girls in Detroit, or that they won't submit to be chased ?

He entered a car, when a brakesman came inside and took a key out of his pocket, unlocked the stove, put in some wood and locked' the door again, and he asked him what he locked the stove door for. The brakesman shut his left eye and said he locked the door so the fire couldn't go out.

A three-year old little girl at Rochester, N.Y., was taught to close her evening prayer, during the temporary absence of her father, with, "And please watch over my papa." It sounded very sweet, but the mother's amazement may be imagined when the child added, " And you'd better keep an eye on mamma too."

A story is told of a shrewish Scotchwoman who tried to wean her husband from the public-house by employing her brother to act the -part of a ghost and frighten John on his way home. " Wha are you ?" said the guidman, as the apparition rose before him from behind a bush. " I am Auld Nick," was the reply. ' Come awa', man," said John, nothing daunted ; " gie's a shake o' your hand — I am married tae a sister o' youi-s."

Lord William Lennox tells a good story of a French dramatist who, on the production of one of his pieces, sat in a secluded part of the pit applauding furiously, whilst his wife was gently clapping her hands in one of the side-boxes. At the end of the third act he looked daggers at his unlucky spouse, and, making his way towards her, reproached her for her want of enthusiam. " What could I do more," she innocently asked, " with these lovely violet-colored gloves ?"