HOumour. A BOY'S ADVENTURE.

Hawera & Normanby Star, Volume I, Issue 2, 17 April 1880, Page 3 (Supplement)

HOumour. A BOY'S ADVENTURE.

THK WAT IN. WHICH MABK TWAIM WOTTTJ) HAVE WRITTEN" THEEI CBNTTTBIBS AGO.

[As l haven'ij.a miacellaneoxw article at hand, 'nor a""subject to make^enet of, not time to -write the article if I had the subject, I beg to offer the following as a substitute. I take it from the twenty-second chapter of a tale for boys which I have been engaged upon at intervals during the past three years, and which. I hope to finish yet before all the boys grow up. I will explain, for the reader's benefit* as follows : The lad who is talking is a slim, gentle, smileleas creature, void of all sense of hnmourand given over to melancholy from his birth. He i? speaking to little Edward VI., King of England, in a room in the palace ; the two are by themselves ; the speaker was "whipping-boy" to the king when. the latter was Prince of Wales. James I. and Charles 11. had whipping-boys when they were little fellows, to take their* punishment for them when they fell short in their lessons, so I have ventured to furnish my email' prince with one, for my own purposes. The time of this' scene is early in the year 1548, consequently Edward VI. is about ten yeara of age ; the other lad is fourteen or fifteen.] ' I will tell it, my liege, seeing thon haat so commanded (said the whipping-boy, with a sigh which was manifestly well freighted with painful recollections), though it will open the core afresh, and I shall suffer again the miseries of that misbegotten day. It was lash midsummer — Sunday, in the afternoon — and drowsy, hot and breathless ; all the green countryside gasped and panted with the heat. I was at home, alone; alone, and burdened with the solitude. But first it is best that I say somewhat of the old knight, my fatherSir Humphrey. He was just turned of forty, in the time of the Field of the Cloth of Gold, and. was a brave and gallant subject. He jjras rich, too, albeit he grew poor enough before he died. At the field he- was in the great cardinal's suite, and shone with the best. •In a famoua mjftque, there, he clothed himself in a marvellous dress ef most outlandish sort, imaginary raiment of aome failed prince of goblins or spirits, or I know.nbt what j but this I know, that it was a nine days' wonder even there, where the art of the broad world had been taxed in the invention of things gorgeous, strange and memorable. Even the King, thy father, eaid it was a triumph, and swore it with his great oath, "By the splendour of. God !" What a king hath praised is precious, though it were dirt before; so my father brought home .this dress to England, and kept it always laid up in herbs to guard it froni injurious insect 3 and decay. When his wealth vanished he clung to it Btill. Age crept upon him, trouble wrought strangenesses in him, delusions ate into his mind. He was of co uncomfortable a piety, and 10 hot-spirited withal, that when he prayed, one wished ha might give over, he co filled the heart with glooms of hell and the nose with the stink of brimstone; yet when he was done, his weather straightway changed, and he bo raged and swore and laid abont him, light and left, thafone'a thought .was, " Would God he would pray again." In time was he affected with a fancy that he could ca«t out devils— wo worth the day 1 This very Sunday whereof I have spoken to your G-raee he was gone, with the household, on this sort of godiy mission, to Hengist's Wood, a mile and more away,' where all the gaping fools in Bllton Pariah were gathered to hear him pray a most notorious and peatllenb devil oat of the carcase of Gammsr Hooker, an evil-minded beldame that had been long and grievously oppressed with -thstrdovil'H presence, and in truth a legion more— God pardon me it I wrong the poor old ash-cat in so charging her. As I did advertise your Grace in the beginning, the afternoon was come, and I was sore wearied with the, loneliness. Being scarce out of my thirteenth year, I was ill stocked with love for solitude or patience to' endure it. I cast tabout me for_a pastime, and in an evil hour my thought fell upon that old gala suit my father had brought from the Field of the Cloth of Gold near thirty years bygone. It was sacred ; one might not touch it and live, and my father found him in the act. But I said within myself, 'tis a stubborn devil that bides in Gammer Hooker; my father cannot harry him forth with one prayer, nor yet a hundred — there is time enow — I will have a look, though I perish for the trespass. , . . I dragged the marvel out from itshiding, and fed my* soul with the sight. Oh, thou shouldst have seen it flame and flash in the sun, my liege ! It had all colours, and none were dull. The rfose of shining green — lovely, silken things; the high buskins, red-heeled and great golden spurs, jewelled and armed with rowels a whole span long, and the strangest trunks, the strangest odd-fashioned .doublet man ever saw, and so many-coloured, so rich of fabric, and co bespangled ; and then the robe 1 it was {crimson satin, banded and barred from top to hem with a wedded glory of precious gems, if haply -they were not false— and mark ye, my lord, this robe was all of a piece, and covered the head, with holes to breathe and spy through]; and it had long,, wide sleeves of a most 'curious pattern; then there was a belt and a great sword, and a shining golden helmet, fully three spans high, out of whose top sprang a mighty spray of plumea, dyed red as fire. A most gallant and barbaric' dress— evil befall the day I saw it ! When I was sated with gazing afrit, and would have hid it in its place again, the devil of misfortune prompted me to put it on. It was there that my sorrow and my shame began. I clothed myself in it, and girt on the sword, and fixed on the' great spurs. Naught fitted — all was a world too large — yet was I content, ana filled 'with worldly vanity. The helmet sank down and promised to smother me, like to a cat with its head fast in a flagon, but I stuffed it out with rags and. so mended the defect. 'The robe dragged the ground, wherefore was I forced to hold it up when I desired to walk with freedom. Marching hither and yonder before the mirror, the grand plumes gladdened my heart, and the crimson splendours of the robe made my foolish soul sing for joy, albeit, to epeak plain truth, my first glimpse of mine array did well nigh fright the breath out of my lank body, so like a moving conflagration did I seem. Now, forsooth, could I not be content with private and secluded happiness, but must go forth from the house and see the full sun flash upon my majesty. I looked warily abroad on every side ;* no human creature was in sight; X passed down the stairs and stepped upon the greensward. .

I beheld a something, then, that in one little fleeting instant whisked all thought of the finery out of ray head and brimmed It with a hot, new interest. It was our bull— a brisk, young creature that I had tried to mount a hundred times and failed; now was he grazing, all peacefully and quiet, with his back to me. I crept toward him, stealthily and slow, and, oh ! so eager and so anxiously, scarcely breathing lest I should betray myielf— then, with one muter bound I lit astride bis buck I Ah! dear, my liege, it w« butwoful triumph. He ran, he bellowed, heplanged here and there and yonder, and flung bis heels aloft in so mad a fashion that I was sore put to it to stick to where I was, and f*i» to forget it was a jaunt of pleasure, and' busy my mind with expedient* to the saving of my neck, Whswfore, to this end, Idldt»k#ajp d*dly grip upon hi, sjdj«

with thole galling spurs that the pain o£ it banished the dim remnant of bis reason that was left, and so forsook he aU semblance & reserve, and nt himself the task of. tearing the general world to *ags, if »o be, m the good providence of God, his heels might lut out the (B»il purpose of bis heart. Betog thus resolved, he Jell toragingin wide «mlm round and round the place, bowing bis head blood, lathing the air with his taU, and plunging ia'd prancing, and launching Us "accursed h«ols, full freighted with destruction, at each ptrishable thing Ms fortune gave him for a prey, till in the end he erred, to bis own hurt no leu than mine, delivering a random kick that did stave a beehive to shreds and tatters, and empty iti embittered host upon us. Id good sooth, my liege, all that went before was but holiday pasltime to that that followed after. In briefer time than a burdened man might take to breath* a sigh, the fierce insects did clothe us like a garment, while , their mates, a singing swarm, encompassed us as with a cloud, and waited for any vacanoy that might appear upon our bodies. And I had been oast naked into a hedge of nettles, it had bten a bleued compromiu, foraimnoh as nettle-stings grownotso near together m did these bee-stings compact .themselves. Now, being moved by the anguish of this new impulse, the bull did surpass himself. He raged thrice around the circuit in tha time ha had consumed to do It once before, and wrought. final wreck and desolation upon such scattering matters as he had aforetime overlooked and spared; then, perceiving that the awarm still cloHded the air about us, he was minded to nj the place and leave the creatures behind —wherefore, uplifting his tail and bowing his head, he went storming down the road, praising God with a loud voice, and w a shorter space than a wholesome poise might take to beat a hundred, was a mile upon hii way— but alack! so also were the bees. I. noted not whither he tended, I was dead to all things bnt the bees and the miserable torment; the first admonishment I bad that my true trouble was bat now at hand, was a wild, affrighted murmur that broke upon my ear; then through those satin eye-holes I shot a glance, and beheld my father's devout multitude of foolß scrambling and skurrying to right and left with the terrors of perdition in their sools ; and one little instant after I, helmeted, sworded and blazing in that strange nnearthly panoply of red hot satin, tore into the midst, on my/roaring bull— and my father and his ancient witch being in the way, we struck them, fall and fair, and all the four went down together, Sir Humphrey crying oat, in the joy of his heart, " See, 'tis the master devil himself, and 'twas I that 1 hailed him forth 1"

I marvel yonr majesty should laugh ; I Bee naught in it of a merry sort, but ouly bttterness. Lord, it was pitifal 1 to Bee howj the wrathfal bees did assault them, turning their meek and godly prayers into profane cursings and blasphemous execrations,' while the whole multitude, even down 1 to the aged mothers in Israel and froßty-headed patriarchs did wildly skip and prance in the buzzing air, and thrash their arms about, and tumble and .sprawl over one anotber in mad endeavour to flee the horrid place. And there, in the grass, my good father rolled and toßßed, hither, and thither; and everywhere— being sore beset with' the bees— delivering a howl of rage with every prod he got — ah, good my liege, thou sbouldst have heard him curse and pray ! and yet, amidst all his woes, Btill found his immortal vanity room and opportunity to vent itself, and so, from time to time shouted he' with a glad voice, saying : " I wrought to bring forth one devil, and 10, have I emptied the courts of hell!!' I was found' out, my prince — ah, prithee spare me the telling what happened to me then ; I smart with the bare hint of it. My tale is done, my lord. When thou didst ask me yesterday what I could mean by the strange reply I made to the Lady Elizabeth, I humbly begged tbeo to await another timej and privacy. The thing I said to her Grace was this— a maxim which I did build out of mitm r o»ifr-:head!- "All. superfluity » not wealth ; if bee stings ware farthings, there was a day when Bitton parish had been rioh." — Mark Twain, in the Bazaar Budget. A Talked PioTCBK-BooK.— A somewhat olever toy, one that is sure to please children, and that is (so far as we know) quite new, has been patented. The book consists of a series of pictures of animals, with apparatus for produoing sounds in imitation of each oreature represented. Opening the book, the illustration is on one side of the page, and letterpress descriptive of it on the , page f aoing. The text oovers concealed mechanism, comprising bellows and whistles of peculiar construction 'for mimicking various' voices, The bellows are " blown" by pulling a button, at the edge of the page, the button belonging to the picture on view being pulled to prodnee the sound in imitation of the cry of the animal exhibited. "Mr. Brand, of Sonneberg, Germany, has patented this invention. — Oattel't Magazine. ' _ , . Glass jbom Bonis.— On extracting the phosphorus from bones, the residue consists of lime and phosphoric' acid, which can; be readily transformed into glass. Bone-glass, which is now manufactured in France, can be worked with the same facility as any other glass, and it possesses the valuable property of not being attaoked by fluoric aoid. " Ocn," said a love-siok Hibernian, " what a\reoreation it is to ,bo dying of love ! It sets the heart aobing so dilioately there's no taking a wink of slape for the pleasure of the pain." A pbtosnt lover sings : " The thrush in the thicket is singing, The lark is abroad on the lea, And over the garden gate swinging, A maiden is waiting for me. " She will wait till she's weary, I'm thinking, Though eager I am for the tryst ; She will wait till the bright stars are blinking, . And sigh for the kisses she missed : " For her father is .watchful and wary— A very ill-tempered old churl— And I'm not the sort of canary < To be kicked for the love of a girl." A s-oitd. mother wants to learn bow lier son will tarn oat. That's easily done. If he's wanted to go' out and weed 'the garden, he will turn out slowly, and reluctantly and be two hours dressing. If he's called to see ft oirous procession go by he'll probably turn out quick and hurt himself trying to come down stairs and put ft boot on at the same time. It is a pleasant incident that is related of King George of Greece. During his first visit, to Paris a grand ball was given in his. -honor at the court o% Napoleon 111. While ! the festivities were . going forward, the Empress Eugenic asked him, " Whom do you i think is the handsomest woman at the ball V* "Pardon me, your Majesty," replied the king; "I am a barbarian, a Cossack; I know but one handsome woman— my wife." How to Sbkecx a Wife.— Dr. Franklin recommends a young man,' in the choice of ft wife, to select her from a bunch, giving aB a reason that, when there are many daughters, they improve each other, and from emulation acquire more accomplishments and know more and do more than • single child spoiled by paternal fondness. A Gbhat IMant1 Mant Do It.— 4)ne day they happened to be talking before Bmile Augier about ft family whose means had been materially diminished, bat who had not therefore ceased to live in a most expensive manner. " I never heard of anything of the sort," said one of the company, "They are rained, and yet they live in as stylish a manner as ever.' 1 " Oh, that is simple enough," said Augier ; " formerly, from time to' time they paid some of their debts ; now they, pay none. They have retrenched their creditors."

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